The Qadishtu Experience

Just Having Fun

2009-09-20T02:16:00.001-04:00

“Can Tantra help me with erectile dysfunction?” Robert asked, as he clasped his hands and leaned forward.

This was our first session. He was an older man, with white hair and saggy muscles. His blue eyes looked at me hopefully.

“Well, there are a lot of reasons for that, so it can be complicated. Let’s start with the easiest ones first – the physical causes. Have you seen a doctor about this?”

“Yes, he didn’t find anything wrong.”

“Do you smoke?”

“No,” he answered.

“Good. Smoking will constrict the blood flow to the penis and make it harder to have an erection. How much exercise do you get?”

“Well, I don’t do very much.”

“You might try adding some aerobic exercise to your daily routine. If you have good circulation, then you’re more likely to get good blow flow.”

I continued to ask him questions about his physical health – diabetes, antidepressants, and his general health condition. Nothing seemed to be out of the ordinary, so I moved into another area.

“Sometimes when you focus upon trying to get an erection too much, it actually gets in the way. You give yourself performance pressure. When you think to yourself, ‘I wonder if I’ll stay soft this time,’ your brain hears ‘stay soft’ and it cooperates.”

He chuckled a little. “Yes, I can see that.”

“One thing that Tantra teaches is to just stay in the moment, without an agenda of what should happen. You can enjoy the sensations of sexual touch whether you have an erection or not. If you’re working hard to have an erection, then sex becomes work, not fun. And isn’t is supposed to be fun?”

“Yes, I guess it is.”

“So let’s try a little experiment. Let me pleasure you, and instead of trying to make something happen, let yourself just have fun.”

“Ok,” he agreed. “Sounds good to me.”

As I touched him, I made sure to include his whole body, with only incidental touches to his lingam. I made my pace leisurely, reminding him from time to time to focus just upon the touch in the moment without needing it to go anywhere next. His body responded to my touch with relaxation, and he began to drift.

Soon, his penis began to enlarge. I began to focus more upon it, adding lubricant to make a sensuous slippery feel. His mouth opened in arousal and his lingam got harder.

“Oh, that feels good,” he breathed.

“Good, I’m glad you’re enjoying it. Just continue to pay attention to each touch, as if you have never been touched before. Notice how it is different one moment to the next.”

I encircled the base of his penis with my thumb and fingers, trapping the blood and creating a full erection. My other hand continued to glide over his lingam.

“Oh! I’m going to come!” he exclaimed.

“Good, let yourself do that,” I purred.

His body stiffened and his face reddened as he ejaculated. Soon, he collapsed into a complete relaxation. Moments passed in silence as I continued to cup his genitals in my hands.

“Thank you so much.” He slowly opened his eyes and looked at me. “It’s been a really long time since that happened.”

“See what happens when you drop the goal and stay in the moment?” I smiled at him. “Did you have fun?”

“Yes, it was great fun! Much better than working at it,” he laughed.

“Now you know what is possible. You can do this again.”

(This is an excerpt from my book, Tales of a Sacred Prostitute.)

Life, death and love

2009-08-30T22:36:00.009-04:00

A Terra Incognita member died recently of cancer. He was in his early 50's and well known in the extended Pagan community. I met Cy at Light of the Moon, a monthly Chicago Pagan gathering where David and I helped our local crone Cailleach co-host for many years. We found this event a great way to satisfy social obligations and invite people to meet us for the first time. Characteristically Cy wore a black Paladin-like cowboy hat and was accompanied by his red-headed magickal partner, Heather. Though my influence impacted more directly on her husband Woody, I believe my story is more about how this Qadishtu experience primarily affected Heather and both her loves.

Heather was her Magickal name. Apparently she chose that name because it reflected the person her psyche pictured as the little girl who stood on a knoll of her childhood farm. She and Woody had been married for years when her uncle left her a quarter of the ancestral farmland. The family decided to sell the property to developers so the farm as she remembers it no longer exists. The name Heather, she explains, gives that farm permanence in her life and thus gave her the stamina to let it go when she answered an advertisement and joined an active Pagan group in nearby Evanston. Coincidentally, Cy, an experienced pagan living across the city in Hyde Park, read the same ad and drove 20 miles to attend the coven’s first initiatory meeting. They immediately became close partners in an earth-based spiritualism which finally gave her a language that responded to the land she so deeply cherished.

Heather and Cy became dedicated to the coven and began going everywhere together, whether it was weekend retreats in other states or attending local Pagan events. Their mutual affection grew while they remained married to other partners. Heather and Woody had no children, but Cy and his wife adopted two girls. Unfortunately, as her spiritualism took on the face of her land, the coven became the euphoric spiritual path she shared with Cy that balanced the weighty every-day familial responsibilities she had with Woody. Needless to say, Woody was not happy.

I entered Heather's poly family through sexual energy work with her and Cy. I soon discovered that her husband Woody basically felt abandoned and lost without the loving partner that he thought he had married. My sexual relationship with Heather and Cy faded, though, as I became more invested in a Qadishtu healing dynamic with Woody. He was not spiritually or magickally inclined at the time, but even that changed as I introduced him to the Chicago Tantric community when Terra Incognita hosted a workshop led by Janet and Sasha Lessin from Hawaii in 2005.

Woody's primary complaint was that he didn’t have access to a world that could understand nor accept people having relationships outside of their marriage. Through this workshop Woody became more aware of how he could enjoy polyamorous experiences as meaningful physical exchanges with like minded folks that didn’t include wife swapping or cheating. There were families, like his, that were “poly” and incorporated spiritual, meaningful exchanges in their familial multi-partnered relationships.

Woody took my sexual exchanges with him very seriously and it was through this heart connection that he began walking into unfamiliar situations, unbelieving at first and then progressively with more confidence. He is now open to date and develop relationships without being hampered by traditional ideas of monogamy and fidelity. Woody loves his wife very much and although Heather's relationship with Cy was difficult for him in the beginning, it was through this love for her and his desire to maintain their marriage that he found room to include Cy in his family.

As Qadishtu, I gave my body to all three ... twice to Heather and Cy, twice to Heather and Woody ... loving exchanges which facilitated bringing them all closer. Poly is hard to implement in a non-poly situation so it took me a few couseling sessions to work out the pain and animosity Woody initially felt toward Cy and Heather.

On the morning Cy died, he sat up in bed and clearly called for Woody twice. Heather got her husband on the phone while he was at work and Cy's faint voice brought him to tears. Cy didn’t ask for anyone else. A successful Qadishtu experience is not just about sex, though the connection sex offers is important. It's about the relating, bonding and support our efforts give and how it supports the love everyone feels in the end.

Freeing The Muse Within

2009-08-24T22:19:00.006-04:00

A man I’ve known casually for a few years recently approached me at a social event. He began a conversation that quickly turned to a discussion surrounding sensuality and mutual pleasure, and it became apparent that he felt a lack of both in his life. He also revealed that he’d been in both the military and an unhappy marriage for over 30 years, and was sadly aware that these life choices had curtailed his freedom of expression on many levels. Sensing interest in creative and sensual activities, I described an ecstatic dance event that I attend weekly, and he began to ask questions. Giving him the time and location, I added that he might find it just the opening he needed to begin to bring more passionate expression to his life.

To my surprise, he showed up the next morning at the event, but had a very difficult time entering into the flow with everyone. He was too used to structure and instructions, and needed assistance in allowing himself to let go into the music and energy. During my dance, I swirled around him at various times, inviting him into my flow, encouraging him to find his own.

Afterwards he came up to talk to me, and very awkwardly asked if we could spend some time together. Because he wasn’t clear in his intention, I suggested that we meet for coffee. His face took on a stricken expression, and he suddenly grabbed my hands and blurted out, “No! I want to feel you touch me! I want to make love to you, and have you see me deeply!” He continued on for a few moments before catching himself. It was obvious that his deep desires had burst out of him without warning, as tears gathered in his eyes. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said any of that.”

His outburst prompted me to answer him as a qadishtu practitioner, and I gently reassured him that what he had said was perfectly clear and acceptable, and I was greatly touched by his honestly and heartfelt emotion. We talked for a bit more, and by the time I’d reached home, I’d received an impassioned email from him filled with esoteric poetry references, and his declaration that he thought he’d found in me the muse that could unlock his inhibited passions and deepest desires. Through a series of emails and face-to-face conversations, as I explained my role as a qadishtu and offered my services from that sacred place, it became clear that this was someone who was absolutely unwilling to move out of his comfort zone in order to access his long-held dreams.

I found out that between his 30-plus years of military service, and his upcoming five-year doctoral program, he had given himself 3 months of ‘freedom’ in order to ‘awaken his muse,’ as he put it. Yet in reality, every option I offered him in order to do just that was rejected. What was interestingly clear to me was the way he viewed himself, and insisted that I view him as well; a learned and intelligent man with a vast knowledge of obscure romantic references, who would deign to shower his pent-up passion upon me if only I were immensely and properly grateful for his worshipful adoration. I would have laughed if it hadn’t been so apparent that he truly believed this of himself.

This, of course, was not my viewpoint of the situation, which I gently attempted to convey to him over time. What I saw was a very unhappy man, resentfully married to a woman whom he both respected and despised for her catholic virtues, full of repressed rage and self-loathing because of his fear to move beyond his own imposed boundaries. As he was moving from the area within a month, I offered to introduce him to two other well-known qadishtu in his new hometown, as well as a session or two with myself before he left. But he refused all of this on the grounds that what he sought and what I though he needed differed. His last words were that he hoped the muses would cross his path with another woman who exhibited my same wonderful karma, presence, and candor, with whom he could complete himself by worshiping her with abandon.

At that point it was clear that there was nothing else for me to say, and I wished him well in his new journeys. I reflected on the fact that while we as qadishti shine with a light of freedom that beckons seekers, not all of them are ready to receive the gifts we have to offer, and that this, too, is part of our path.

Celebrating the Feminine

2009-08-15T11:42:00.002-04:00

As a student of Qadishtu, I was assigned to create a ritual to be repeated over several days. My basic thought was to be my own supplicant and create a ritual could be sexual healing for me and an experience for me to better understand both sides of the equation.

Since it would involve masturbation and the most female parts of my body, I wanted it to be a celebration of the feminine. Scent is important to me, so I chose lavender which is associated with prostitution and, also, a scent that I find pleasant. I bought lavender candles and lavender scented lotion. I did the ritual in the evening, because it seemed the best time of day to be able to consistently complete the rituals. It’s also traditionally a pleasant time for me at the end of my day and full of simple rituals anyway, far less hurried than morning rituals.

I made my bed and laid a red full-size towel and smaller towel on the bed. I set the candles at the points of a triangle around my bed. I also heated a bowl of water and set a wash cloth soaking in the steaming water. Then I undressed and turned off the lights.
Instead of calling quarters or invoking a particular god/goddess, I designated each point as Maiden, Mother and Crone. At each point, I thought about stage of life and what is was like, the shapes, the emotions, the advantages, the disadvantages, how it shapes and individual’s role in the community, in the family, etc. Some aspects came up every night as I lit the candle and meditated on youth, maturity, and old age. But, each night my insight on what the different stages meant was different. Some nights, it was more universal, what it means for anyone to be a child. Other nights, my thoughts became more personal. This was true at every station.
The maid is a creature of straight lines and awkwardness. She is moving from physical weakness toward strength, also uncertainty to increasing competence in a number of ways. Every experience is new, with the positives and negatives associated with newness.
The mother has curves. Her body is like ripe fruit. She has moved beyond the newness of sexuality and into appreciation of the joy, the humor, the responsibility. No longer a child in need of protection, she is the protector and nurturer, even to the point of doing so inside her own body. I said that I didn’t invoke a goddess, but, by coincidence, a statue I have of Athena was near the mother candle and often caught my eye as I moved toward that point.
The crone re-visits the need for physical help. Her skin becomes thin and delicate. Her body often thinner and easily broken, but her experience is her strength. She no longer bears children, but she continues to enjoy life and her sexuality.
After lighting each candle and spending some time meditating at each, I moved to the bowl of water and within reach of the small candle and lotion. Thinking as I did of what I was washing away, I bathed myself by candlelight, slowly and carefully. In addition to dirt, sweat, oil and dead skin, I washed away the negative thoughts about my body. I imagined I was uncovering not just clean skin, but inner beauty. Because it was chilly some of the nights, I cleaned then dried one part of my body at a time. Then I rubbed lotion into what I could reach and thought about the beauty of my body as I did. I like my eyes, my lashes, the straightness of my nose, the symmetry of my face. I like necks, women’s in particular, the image of a ballerina from behind, head tilted, naked nape under a bun of hair. I thought of these kinds of images as I rubbed scent into my face, neck, breasts, stomach, and so on down to my toes, thinking of the beauty and utility of each part. Then, warm, feeling and smelling good, I laid down. I gave myself pleasure, focusing on my vulva. I didn’t think about anything in particular, concentrating on the sensation. I floated and enjoyed. Sometimes, I had small orgasms, sometimes I didn’t. After a time, I’d come back into my self. I used the water and towel to clean as needed. I’d visit the candles in reverse holding a similar meditation before blowing each out.

Gift for the Goddess

2009-08-10T20:07:00.006-04:00

It has been said that I have never met a stranger. This day was no different. I was flying to visit some friends. I have always loved to fly because you never knew who you would meet while flying the friendly skies. While waiting on all of the passengers to board the plane, there was an Indian couple who took their seat about three rows in back of me. The husband got up to check each over head compartment but they were all full until he noticed no one was sitting across from me. He opens the compartment and struggled to put his bag in the overhead compartment. I helped him and caught a glimpse of a good looking man sitting right in front of wife of the little Indian man. I smiled at him and then sat down as the little old man went back to his seat. He said something in Hindi or Punjabi to his wife that I didn’t understand. I decided to go ahead and buckle up while watching the other passengers come aboard. When I looked up, the gentleman moved to the open seat across the aisle. I didn’t think anything of it at the time but what I know now is that he saw me and was clearly interested in some way. We talked during the airplane ride and we talked during our layover however it was cut short because he was due at another terminal. I thought our conversation was very tame but I had a feeling that there would be more to this interaction. He and I exchanged numbers so that we could keep in touch. During our next phone call conversations, I told him about my path and my passion. He became very inquisitive and yet I knew that he lived in another state so there may not be an opportunity for any physical contact but over the phone we discussed many aspects of his life and his needs. Let’s call him Q. Q began calling just about every day. During the conversations, I learned a lot about Q. I learned about his situation at home, his idea of who he was as a father, a husband, and a business man. We discussed the absence of intimacy with his Wife. I discussed with him ways that he could open the door to being intimate with her. Over a period of time, I found out that they were an open couple and poly however he did not have someone in his life. Q expressed that he missed being intimate felt as if his needs would never be met by his wife or any other women because he didn’t have time to cultivate a relationship or connection with someone due to his traveling and his hectic job.

After a while, he and I began the meet-up conversation. Luckily or mysteriously, he had to come to my hometown for 7 days on business. He asked if I would be available. I moved around some appointments and then we set up our plan to meet. He wanted to take me out on a date and the rest was up to me. After chatting for several weeks, I asked many questions to help understand what he liked and began my own plan. Q and I met at my friend’s place of business so that we could take one car. He drove me to one of my favorite restaurants. When I walked in, he gasped as I smiled slowly at his adoration. I had on a crème colored wrap dress with stockings and black shoes high heeled shoes. During the dinner, we ate slowly and talked a lot. I put my hand on the table and looked into his eyes and looked at my hand. He caught the signal for him to touch my hand. I held his as he continued to tell me about what he needed to do business wise in my hometown. He seemed a bit nervous but as I caressed his fingers, he began to loosen up. Dessert was served. He order three kinds and he fed me a bite from each one. It was an exquisite moment as we decided to end the evening. In the car, we parked in the lot and began to talk about the dinner and I held his hand and I pulled him in close to give him a kiss. He was very hungry with his kiss. I touched Q’s heart and it was beating really fast. He slowly outlined my body with his hands and admitted that he was pleased with what I was wearing. He and I continued to hold hands and kiss. We discussed our next date which would be the night in my temple. I asked that he remember to bring and offering to the Goddess for the time shared.

Two days later, I invited Q to my home which was ritually prepared prior to his arrival. I was dressed in a lovely dress that didn’t show my body with the exception of my neck, hands, and feet which only showed when I walked towards him. He walked in and I moved to remove his shoes from his feet. I placed them next to the door. I lifted my hand and he helped me stand up to meet his kiss and hug. I brought him into my great room and asked him if he would like something to drink. I fixed the beverage while he gazed at the table that was my living room altar filled with my statues, candles and receiving bowl and flowers. I introduced him to my altar and each item on it. I explained my ritual for him and what would be significant to him as well as what he could expect. I asked that he trust me from this point on as I blindfolded him. I asked him to stand as I took off each article of clothing. I then walked him though my hallway around to my master bedroom so that we could go to the master bathroom. I had already prepared the water to be about half full of my large bathtub. I closed the door and took off the blind fold. I asked him to get into the tub. I rolled up the sleeves on my dress to reveal my arm jewelry. I then ran some hotter water in the tub and I showed him the soap and towels that he would use. As he laid there waiting for my instructions, I couldn’t resist touching his chest then his stomach and as my hand hit the water I felt his pubic hair and his phallus already pulsing. I kissed him full on the mouth as I stroked him a few times. I stood up to see his eyes closed and I whispered that he should clean himself off while I watched. He began to bathe himself with lathered soap. I then rinsed him off after he finished. He stood outside of the tub as I dried every inch of him. I placed the blindfold back on and led him to my temple room. There was another altar there with many lovely delights that awaited Q. There were cushions on top of a futon mattress on the floor covered with red silk cloths. He went down to his knees when he saw me take off my dress. I wore a large Lapis necklace, snakes coiled around my arms, and a chain around my belly. I asked him to come close to me and we laid on the futon and we held each other. I asked him to recite my earlier instructions as to how to call upon the Goddess as I called upon her to enter the space, Her Vessel. And then my hands explored his body as his explored mine. He laid me down and opens my legs while exploring my eyes in acceptance. He began to taste every each of my body with worship I received every inch of him into this vessel. After Q left, I began to snuff out candles and once in the living room I noticed what he left as an offering. It was a lovely conk shell for the Goddess, a gold penis charm, and an envelope labeled "A Gift for the Goddess Gryn". Sigh, what a life.

Easing pain of seekers

2009-07-29T13:26:00.005-04:00

I recently met a lady at a wedding reception. "Z" was sitting by herself along a wall. While she was busy watching others dance and mingle I was quietly observing her. I watched her toes tapping out the beat of the music but realized that Z was unable to join in the revelry, at least in part because her ankles and feet were extremely swollen. She was overweight but not so large as to justify the size of her ankles.
I could almost feel the anticipation in her posture, that, at any moment soon, someone would invite her to join in the fun.
The invitation never came.
I pulled up a chair next to Z and introduced myself. It turned out that she knew who I was, via a mutual friend, who referred us both to a group online. Small world but we had 'met' before,

even if it was only online.
I noticed that she hadn't eaten and so I offered to get her a plate of food from the kitchen downstairs. After I delivered the food, I got sidetracked in other Hostess duries. When I returned Z had cleaned her plate but was looking even more forlorn than before. So I sat with her again.
Although I was in my Hostess mode and wanted to keep the talk light, she began to talk.

Z opened with the beginning of her infirmity, which tragically began when an automobile hit her as a pedestrian, leaving her physically impaired. The subsequent lack of mobility resulted in weight gain and loss of self-esteem. Each of us is allowed to choose our reactions to our life situations and unfortunately this became her reality. To further compound matters, Z's husband of 26 years died just eight months ago. She viewed this as a final nail in the coffin of her previous identity. Her pain was palpable.
The story continued through most of the night even into the final cleanup when the discussion ensued about sleeping arrangements. My host admitted to me that Z had mentioned that she would be more than happy to bunk with me in my bed. I realized how lonely she was but I still didn't feel that sharing my bed was a viable option in this situation. Our host reminded me that this was fine as it was my choice and there were other options available.
Z seemed at a loss as to which direction to go. Almost instantly the Goddess had me offering my hand and asking to join me in sharing comfort. I lay down beside her and laughed with her about..... about, well nothing of import.
Sitting up next to her, I leaned into her and covered her in my embrace. The Goddess flowed through me into her belly and heart. Aligning her chakras, the Goddess allowed me to feel her pain centers. There were many. The Goddess guided my hands and empowered me to caress her entire body. Z began to touch me and I still her hand and whispered that this was the time she needed to release her desires to me. Z needed open and let me comfort her.
As her body opened I let the Goddess and the Goddess' innate sensual nature drive my hand into her yoni. I suckled at her breast. My head feel to her belly and she grabbed my hair and pulled me into her orgasmic release. I had a tiny ripple of pleasure that warmed my blood and soothed my soul with my acknowledgement of fulfilling what the Goddess wanted of me. That was my reward from the Goddess.
I held my lady.
My Goddess held me.

Believing

2009-07-22T20:27:00.002-04:00

I have a saying that I repeat to my mate on a fairly frequent basis, whenever I sense he's feeling like he's not contributing enough, or when his insecurities make him question his worth as a poet and an artist.

"I believe in you enough for the both of us."

I think that sometimes it's that belief in other people, even when they don't have the strength to believe in themselves, that sparks so much of the healing we do in this practice. Whether it's belief in their beauty, in their worthiness to be loved, in their ability to receive touch and have it move them, in their spirit and the connection of that spirit to deity that so many times they can't see for themselves - we believe in them enough for the both of us. And seeing OUR belief, they begin to believe it too.

I wrote this poem for my mate, but I share it for you. All of you. Whether you read this blog because you seek healing or understanding or that touch of deity in your life; whether you read this blog as inspiration in your practice as a Qadesh or to gain insight into your healing work; whether you read this blog to gain understanding of a path that is different from your own - I believe in you. :) I believe in you - please believe in yourself.

Believing
9/12/07

They lied to us.
With their certificates on the wall
And their credentials in hand
Advisors in everything but truth
They told us the moon and stars were in reach
If only we could obtain the magic scroll
That would make our lives complete
Give us purpose
Make us experts
And suddenly, like the scarecrow,
We would think deep thoughts and be seen
As leaders of men
Yes, they lied to us.
But the realization is a set back
Nothing more
For they lied about something else
We don’t need their validation
We don’t need titles or degrees
Or credentials to make our futures legitimate
We just need our dreams
Our belief
Our vision
And our drive
We can be anything we wish to be
If we see it, name it, and make it so
They can’t hold us back
And they can’t make it real
Only we can do that
The power lies solely within ourselves
If we choose to believe.

And if your belief falters…
If the dream seems out of reach
Or the damning crowd gets too loud
And you find yourself spinning and spinning
With nothing solid to grab on to,
No benchmark or beacon to point the way
Take my hand,
Take a deep breath,
And see the truth in my eyes,
Look deep into my heart and know
That I believe in you enough for both of us.
And that belief is what will get you there
Not some piece of paper
See the moon and the stars in my eyes
Reflected as I look and see the moon and stars in yours…
And go for it.
You’ll make it.
I believe in you.

Feast of Intimacy

2009-07-14T20:47:00.003-04:00

It was his birthday, and after a delicious home-cooked meal among friends, she had him shower, shave and dress nicely for a secret reservation she'd made for them at 8pm. Before leaving the house, she tied a blindfold on him and led him out to the car. She drove around for a bit, wandering aimlessly in an attempt to confuse him, before finally arriving at their destination. She even called ahead and when I picked up the phone, she said "Hello, this is Rosa Martinez. I have a reservation for two at 8:30, but we're running a little late." I assured her that we would "hold her table." When they finally arrived about 10 minutes later, she guided him to the door where I greeted them.

"M'lord, m'lady," I said with a head bow to each. "Your place is ready." She then removed his blindfold and he could see me, standing in a long white satiny gown, with my hair brushed out and long down my back, and silver bangles sparkling at my wrists. These were long-standing friends of mine, but this was the first time they’d come to me in my role as priestess, as Qadishtu. I led them into the building and said, "I understand the occasion for your visit to the Temple this evening is to celebrate this one's birth." She answered in the affirmative, her voice quiet and subdued, and yet full of anticipation. I continued, smiling up into his eyes, "So let us show him just how much the Goddess values his existence." And with that, I took his hand and guided him up the steps to the Temple itself.

As we reached the top of the Temple, I motioned at the altar and said, "You may now pay your respects to the Lady." I had them both kneel before Aphrodite and spend some quiet moments in contemplation and worship. I then stepped up behind and between them and started gently stroking their hair, faces and necks. I said, "We are here tonight to celebrate your birth using the Goddess' gifts of love and pleasure. My Lady Aphrodite, be with us here tonight. Bless us and guide us during our rites of celebration this evening."

After another couple of moments, I took his right hand and her left, and bade them rise. We turned together and passed through the veil to enter the inner sanctum. I used my hand to indicate that they should get comfortable on the bed, and then I began to strip for them. I swayed my hips and held their gazes as I slowly and sensually removed my gown. Once I had completely disrobed, I grasped his hands and raised him to his feet. I looked over his shoulder at her, and with a smile and a nod, I invited her to help me remove his clothing. Then he and I turned to her and did the same. His grin was infectious and soon we were all naked and smiling widely.

“Now, we have a special dessert for you, Birthday Boy!” With that, I removed the covering from the tray that was sitting beside the bed, revealing a bowl of whipped cream and several trays of fruit, including ripe strawberries, mouth-watering mangos, and tart cherries. I handed him the bowl of whipped cream and instructed her to lie back on the bed. After she was comfortable, I dipped a finger into the bowl and streaked the dollop of cream down between her ample breasts and encouraged him to decorate her any way he desired. He artfully covered her nipples and her newly-shaved crotch with the fluffy cream. I then handed him a platter of fruit, and strawberries and cherries joined the cream in fun and delightful patterns. Finally, I smeared the juicy mangoes around the mounds of fruity cream he’d made, coating her skin in sweet and sticky goodness.

He and I took a moment to admire our handiwork, and then as if on cue, we each lowered our mouths to her breasts to begin devouring our delightfully wiggling and squealing dessert! After it had all been lapped up, I broke out the wet wipes and we went to work cleaning everyone up. Now, we could get to the part he was really looking forward to. She had told me in advance that one of his fantasies was to be in a threesome, and she told me that she only trusted me to be that third party. So now she and I laid him out on the bed and slowly kissed up and down his body, occasionally kissing each other as well. We proceeded to give him the time of his life and by the end of it, we were all snuggled up together, with big smiles and deep sighs of contentment. I thanked the Goddess, and then I turned and thanked each of them for their trust in me. They thanked me for gifting them with such a wonderful birthday gift for him. What was even more amazing was when they contacted me several weeks later to express thanks again, for they were beginning a relationship with another woman; something they’d never even been able to consider before their experience with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For an erotic visual treat of fruit, cream, and chocolate, check out Clean Sheets magazine.

Qadishtu youth education

2009-07-09T19:25:00.009-04:00

One important job of most Qadishti practicioners is education.

Many of us give presentations, workshops, write articles or books and mentor others. Some of us have students, apprentices and trainees. Most of us also have children or young adults that we are responsible for.

I think preparing young people to handle sexuality and relationships is part of our job. It's also a hot topical concern that's frequently tossed into the Lake of Oblivion to cool off and disappear. Our schools can teach the mechanics and biology of sexuality, enlightened parents can be open and unembarrassed with their hormonally confused children, but something they need is still missing.

Maybe a safe, facilitated place to explore their questions and feelings with peers. A place to learn about the responsibilities of sex and relationships, how energy exchanges work and most importantly a sanctuary that protects them from judgement. They need to know that we ALL feel weird and different from artifical, societally imposed norms.

Years ago Terra Incognita had a skilled Priestess in her mid 20's (now in her 30's and pregnant with her first child) who wanted to help us form a family-oriented outreach group called Caer Aelwydd. We had a lovely series of classes that were multi-generational and did PG-rated ritual together. However, Amanda and I felt our teenage children needed their own program. We suggested this to Dr. Elsbeth Meuth and Freddy Zental Weaver of the TantraNova Institute and they percolated the idea carefully. It's risky creating a workshop for teens (14 to 18) about relationships, intimacy and energetic exchanges that will fully engage them, yet not get anyone upset or arrested.

In the Spring we sent out son Robert and some of his high school friends to participate in a focus group at TantraNova and now we are finally looking forward to their inaugural Summer Youth Program. Based on the responses we got from the focus group, the five week program on Sunday evenings from 7/19 to 8/16 should be very meaningful and interesting. We felt that Elsbeth and Freddy Zental were the ideal choices to do this type of Qadishtu work with our son and his teenage friends, since they are trained professionals and don't have the problem of being Mom and Dad.

David

The Perfect Conduit

2009-07-05T08:16:00.001-04:00

I’ve spent much of my life being unconventional in my approach to healing work. For years I have included sexual energy as part of the healing process. That’s unconventional enough for most people, but I have also experimented with another area that feels even edgier to me.

When I first started doing sexual healing work, I kept a clear distinction between me, the “healer”, the one who was holding the space, and the “heal-ee”, the one who was receiving the healing. But as I worked more intensively with people, it became harder to maintain those boundaries.

I have done lots of long sessions – being together all day, or several days in a row. I have even camped in the desert for a week with a client. With that amount of exposure, the artificiality of the “healer/healee” relationship begins to dissolve.

At first when this would happen I was horrified. I wasn’t supposed to let my own issues be activated! I wasn’t supposed to cry, or feel uncertain or vulnerable. But it was like trying to stop a river. If it were there, it would flow.

Surprisingly enough, I found over and over that the more authentic I was, the more the client received. I tell the story of one of those times in my book, Tales of a Sacred Prostitute. As I allowed myself to be vulnerable, I allowed my client to be strong, to not be identified as the weak one. To be a man, and to learn how to hold space for a woman.

This issue recently surfaced again. I stopped to see a client at the end of a long trying trip. I was tired and barely recovering from a massive psychic attack received earlier that week. I arrived at his house worn out; bare bones.

Meanwhile, he had built up an expectation that our time together would be ecstatic, that I would show him a glimpse of enlightenment. (No pressure!)

In our last time together, we had begun to work with how his energy could feel invasive to a woman. I had started teaching him about how to husband his energy, to use it to attract a woman rather than invade her.

As we got together again, he told me about a workshop that he had just attended. To make a point about how women and men experience the world differently, the leaders had asked how many woman had considered their personal safety in the last week – parked under a light, didn’t go down an alley, etc. All the women raised their hands. Then they asked the men. None of them raised their hands. My client was having trouble understanding this and found it hard to believe.

As the day wore on, between brief glimpses of enlightenment, issues began surfacing in me about safety. On many occasions, I felt invaded by him. I don’t think this had anything to do with him; it was the issues I was carrying before I got there.

So here’s where it gets sticky. Am I wrong for having my issues? Did I serve him by those issues arising? Since the things that I was feeling are very common feelings in many women, perhaps I was acting as a conduit for that particular energy – a woman feeling unsafe and invaded. Perhaps I was giving him the experience that he needed in order to learn to be with a woman in an intimate relationship, to learn how to be in order to build trust.

I often expect myself to be the perfect channel, a portal to enlightenment. There are times, moments usually, when I can be that. But then there I am, a messy human being like any other, doing the best that I can.

When I begin a session, I always ask that I be used by Spirit for service to the highest good. I try to surrender as much as possible, and let my personal self get out of the way. But what if Spirit is using my personal self, my personal issues, as part of the teaching or healing for that person? Can I surrender enough to let whatever happens just be there in the space?

What if the other person doesn’t like it? What if he had an expectation of something that didn’t get met? It’s easy to doubt myself at that time. But the words to a song keep coming through:

“You can’t always get what you want . . . But if you try sometime, you just might find,
You get what you need.”

River Goddess

2009-06-28T10:06:00.004-04:00

The South Fork of the Yuba River is probably my favorite place on earth. The clear water tumbles over granite worn smooth over hundreds of years of spring run-off from the snow packs in the Sierra Nevada Mountains. Aspens and pine trees tower on either bank, and in the late afternoon, when it's hot, their branches are rustled by gentle breezes. I've spent countless hours floating in the placid pools and shooting through the rapids on the Yuba.

After the short, hot hike, I threw off my clothes and hopped into the cool water. It was mid-July, and the water temperature was perfect, cool but not cold. I spent some time swimming from rock to rock, getting reacquainted with the river. After a while, my beloved joined me.

It was a Monday, and there were few people around. We swam a bit upstream to a secluded spot, and found a large, partially submerged rock. He leaned against it to anchor himself against the current. I put my arms and legs around him, and we began to kiss. The feel of the warm sun on my face and the cool water rushing around us was intoxicating. As we continued to kiss, I felt his phallus getting erect. I guided him into me

As we bobbed gently together, buoyed by the water, I called to the river's spirit to come into me. I felt a boundary within me dissolve and became part of the great flow. I felt the power of the water, sometimes a gentle trickle, sometimes an angry, destructive torrent, welling within me, ebbing and flowing like my emotions. The sun, the water, the rock and our bodies were tangled together, separate yet all part of each other. When I finally climaxed, the world began to regain some of its solidity.

We continued leaning against the rock, kissing and looking into each other's eyes. Suddenly, I felt something brush against my cheek. I looked down, expecting to see a broken branch bobbing through the water. Instead, it was a small river snake. Startled, I screamed, and she swam off. When I calmed down a bit, I realized she was saying hello and recognizing me as a kindred spirit. A blessing, indeed.

Scarlet Sanctuary

2009-06-18T14:58:00.000-04:00

We’ve run across her a couple of times. At one event, my husband gave her an open heart hug and she started crying and ran for the bathroom. I followed her in there and she mentioned that she had been working with some memories and that my husbands hug was so loving that she just started crying. But, she wasn’t ready to look at the memories and wanted to enjoy the event. I told her that she would know when it was time. She agreed, suppressed the memories and went back to enjoying herself.

I took her out to dinner a couple weeks after that and once again she started crying. The memories had been coming to her in her dreams. I offered to help, but again, she didn’t want to look at it and suppressed the memories.

A few weeks later, we had the Scarlet Sanctuary set up at an event. She said she didn’t want to do it because she knew she would cry. But, decided to give it a try. I anointed her and blessed her before she entered the sanctuary. I helped her undress and get onto the massage table. Soft music was playing in the softly lit room. She was near the last one to be worked on, so there was only one other client in the room on their own table. She closed her eyes and my husband and eyes started the sacred touch. Then, another Priestess came over to help us. Lightly we touched her. Lovingly we touched her. One person at her head, one at her feet. I drifted to her belly. That’s where most women hold their sadness. I started to shiver as the Goddess guided my hands. I could feel the energetic pull to her belly. My hands shook as I gave her Reiki energy and loving energy. Then, I felt my hands start to open her and pull dark energy from her. She started to cry. She not only cried, she sobbed. Heart wrenching sobs. With her eyes closed, she could feel me pulling all that crud out of her and at the same time felt the loving hands stroking her body. She was safe and knew that we were there for her. She sobbed more. We held her and stroked her.

Once I was done with the energy work, I energetically closed her back up and sealed the working with love. She stopped crying. She laid there and received our loving touch. She allowed herself to be loved and comforted. She allowed herself to be healed in anyway we were able to help her.

This is what we do. Through love and loving touch, she was able to go where she needed to go and attempt some healing. She isn’t done. She will still have to work with the memories. But, she has a great head start, knowing that she is a loved individual.

Star power

2009-06-15T08:30:00.004-04:00

A few weeks back, we set up our Scarlet Sanctuary at an event and opened the door. The idea of the Scarlet Sanctuary, the way we do it, is simple - we provide loving, compassionate, non threatening sensual touch to anyone that wants to experience it. Everyone, regardless of race or age or size or style, is greeted with Qadishti Eyes of acceptance and that Heinlein sense of "Thou Art God/dess". They are brought inside and intimately led to receive.

(Receiving, we discovered, is very hard for some people. For lots of people. Just to lay there and allow yourself to just be, just receive erotic touch, and not feel like you are supposed to do anything).

As it happened, "Everyone, regardless of..." was tested for me personally at this event, as I found myself working on a 'Star'. Now, I do not mean TV Star or a Hollywood Star (although she may be in movies). But in this case, she is a star of the erotic circles. Would you have heard of her? Well, if you run in my circles, then yes, but the fact that I knew who she was, and she was one of the first people I ever saw lecture, was threatening to throw me off balance. Both my own sense of awe at working with her and my own ego (look who I am working on) were observed as possibly causing this to be less than sacred.

Until we got started. Once we got started, it was no longer about her as The Star, nor was it about Me the Qadesh Working with the Star, it was just two people. It just a receiver and a giver. She simply was another human, another person, full of sensual love. I was just a giver, allowing my ego to sleep while I ministered to another of the beutiful beings that inhabit the world.

Beyond that, her response and mine, become a matter like many other sessions, but one too private feeling to post here.

The important thing I took away from this experience is not that everyone is just another person. But instead, something that I was told at the very first sacred sexuality event I ever went to was brought to mind - "Everyone is a star"

Learning Opportunities

2009-06-10T08:07:00.002-04:00

The previous few months had been, in a word, challenging. The kink event we’d attended in February ushered in an unprecedented period of transition in my relationships. My mate and I had weathered storms I’d never anticipated, and our girlfriend was experiencing a blossoming that, though beautiful to see, had her fairly involved elsewhere. As we prepared to attend another large kink event, I found myself nervous and unsure of myself. So many situations were still unresolved, so much still hung in the balance, and I was terrified that something I might do, or not do, would tip the scales one way or another. I found the sense of uncertainty overwhelming.

I'd planned to spend Saturday night primarily in the Scarlet Sanctuary (yeah. hiding...and yeah, I know...I'd been hearing "Mother Abbess" from The Sound of Music reminding Maria that "These walls aren't here to hide behind, you have to go face your problems" all week in the back of my head). But sacred touch is something I *know* I can do, a place where I fit (and focusing on loving other people is a really good way to get my mind off myself). My mate and I started off the evening by watching our girlfriend and her new girlfriend scene with their mutual crush, a woman who really knows how to work with energy. Then he walked me to the Scarlet Sanctuary, kissed me, and promised he’d come back for me later. I walked into the “intake area”, and waited until one of the folks running things emerged from the Sanctuary space (not wanting to interrupt the flow of anything going on by just walking in), and let her know I was ready to get started. And immediately found myself in the "aftercare" area, being asked to help someone ground who'd had an emotional reaction to the sacred touch and needed holding. I recognized the lady - she'd been in a class earlier that the four of us (myself, my mate, our girlfriend and her girlfriend) had attended - a class on "releasing control", that turned out to be an extremely good "how to do relationships honestly and openly" kind of class. And I remember this lady talking about polyamory, and that she was having a hard time dealing with the transition in her relationship...and here she was, sobbing in my arms, admitting all the fears that I'd been dancing around with my mate the past few months, and facing something *this* weekend that I was facing (on a slightly different scale) *the following* weekend...needing my help to deal with the very things that had me hiding in the Scarlet Sanctuary in the first place.

Sneaky bitch, that Goddess of mine. *sheepish look* Kind of a dirty trick, but OH I got the message loud and clear.

I forget sometimes that I'm not the only one who gets scared. But I've been given tools to deal with it, and after all this time and all the BAD and all the pain, I've been blessed with wonderful partners who work with me and help me through it, and with all that blessing, I need to share what I know. What I've learned. "Tricks of the trade" of poly relating, so to speak, I guess. And, if I was going to hide out in the Scarlet Sanctuary to get my mind off myself, Mom wasn't going to let me get away with it without making me face my own demons, and helping someone else through the fire (thus helping myself). So I did. And continued - we exchanged e-mail and blog addresses before she left that night. And we've been talking. And it's been helping - both her ('cause she told me so) AND me. In my case, working with her got me out of myself and helped me remember the GOOD stuff, instead of focusing on the fears. Which is what I needed most of all, I think. Not that I still don't have fears – even though my mate and I walked through that particular fire and came through tempered and stronger than ever. But I know my mate loves me, and we're solid, and as I made it through this challenging period, we’ll make it through others when they come along. And as I've been the shoulder for someone who's been hurting, I know I have a host of shoulders to lean on when I need it.

So "What have you learned, Dorothy?"

You may try to run away from your problems, but you never really leave your “own backyard” behind. And apparently, when it comes to deity, my mate isn’t the only one who dances with tricksters. :) Mine are just a little less obvious (but a lot less subtle when they wanna be).

2009-06-08T14:01:00.003-04:00

Recently, I learned that Craigslist in the US closed down its Erotic Services Category. I didn’t even know that Craigslist had an Erotic Services Category (and yes, I probably should surface from my computer every once in a while and visit the ‘real’ world). For more info you may want to check out the following:
http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/technology/2009/05/craigslist-attorneys-general-erotic-services-prostitution.html
While I am not surprised by a privately owned company shutting down anything erotic, I am pleasantly surprised at some of the support that this action has generated.
I have read several letters written by former clients of the service stating why they felt that had legitimate reasons for utilizing such a service. Some of their reasons were shyness, feelings of inadequacy with the opposite sex, adventure, and simple exploration. However, one article in particular would elicit sympathy from even a member of the Moral Majority (or perhaps it SHOULD elicit feelings). This client spoke of his medical condition resulting in facial ticks and tremors and handicapped social skills. To this client, ‘hiring’ a partner relieved the burden of trying to impress a prospective partner. This is turn, removed some of the stressors that, let’s be honest, can affect any sort of interaction for anyone much less someone who feels less than adequate socially due to a medical condition.
Craigslist was bowing to pressure from law enforcement agencies to remove the ease of finding illegal services. But as pointed out by Illinois Atty. Gen. Lisa Madigan, “Prostitution will not disappear” (LAT, May 13, 2009, Business Section). And erotic providers have already begun utilizing alternate advertising sources according to The Washington City Paper, that states that newspaper “sales of adult ads was up 38 percent in the first week of May”, (WIRED, June 2, 2009, Threat Level Online) This statistic is repeated all across the country.
So if the law enforcement officials are saying that prostitution will always be around, and this is supported in part by the proof that sex providers who are just going about their business in a different matter – why, oh why, does the government seek to impose their moral beliefs upon all of society?
I do not apologize for having my own moral compass to which I adhere. This censorship of morals is a major cause of the exaggerated inhibitions that most of our society suffers from. Which is turn, is why there is such an incredible, under-reported need for human touch.
As a Qadishtu, I offer a service: a service of human touch; a service of acceptance; a service that allows me to be a funnel from the Goddess representing her love; and a service that helps heal me as I work to help heal others.

I am proudly a Qadishtu priestess.

Spillover

2009-06-02T08:26:00.002-04:00

Sometimes our work as Qadishtu impacts others in ways we may not ever be aware of unless we're lucky enough to have them tell us. I recently was fortunate enough to have that happen.

I have a good friend who I would not perceive has ever paid that much attention to what I do as a Qadishti. We are at many of the same events together and although he knows that I dedicate a large portion of my time to working in our Sacred Touch sanctuary, we have not spent much time talking about that portion of my life. If someone would have asked me what my perception was of what he thought about it, I would have said that he probably found it to be "woo woo" and didn't have much interest in it.

This friend recently returned from an out of state event. During this event he encountered a woman who he began to get to know. He described her as very shy and someone who had difficulty interacting with people. She hugged the walls and did not venture into the crowds.

He had the opportunity to spend time with her one on one and he had a sense of hurt and pain within her. He was able to hold her and stroke her and help her feel loved and accepted. As he was relaying the story to me he said that he was "channeling me". He said "it may not have been sacred touch but I was thinking about you and what you do and it felt very similar." I responded by saying that in my opinion, it was indeed sacred touch. It was exactly what he was doing.

I was filled with gratitude (and a few tears) that someone who I thought didn't really pay much attention to what I do, not only pays attention, but thinks enough of it, that he pulled on that when faced with someone he sensed could use it.

Namaste,
Karen

Referrals

2009-05-31T17:28:00.006-04:00

Seekers find their way to Qadishti practicioners in a variety of ways, but referrals are one of the best. We've had several Priestesses who respond to Craigslist ads or place their own carefully worded descriptions of the Qadishtu dynamic they provide, however the potential Clients who are sent to us by people we know are usually safer and better candidates for our work.

The Temple of Terra Incognita developed a Patron system predominately based on our older, wealthier Clients referring their friends, which was designed to support all the pro bono and barter work we do. We've also had quite a few Seekers passed on to us from the BDSM, Sacred Sexuality, Poly and Pagan communities.

Oddly enough, this post is going to be about a referral that didn't work. It occurred this week and illustrates the importance of being ready to heal and being able to celebrate one's sexuality fully.

About five years ago a woman named "Willow" who was in her early 20's approached us after a Pagan social gathering and shared her life story looking for help. She was referred by mutual friends and began visiting our home for Terra Incognita events. Willow found Paganism liberating and had grown up in a very repressed household of Christian fundamentalists that had put the fear of God's anti-sex wrath into her mind. Even after she grew up and became convinced that sex and intercourse were divinely pleasurable acts, parentally programmed fear of male penetration and pregnancy stopped her from exploring intimacy with boyfriends or having an orgasm.

Over the years Amanda and I have encountered a number of supplicants like Willow who wanted to defeat similar fears. Her case was so severe that we decided to have my wife do the actual sexual catharsis, instead of me. I would be present as a trusted male anchor, but only to hold space and support the process. After much dialogue and co-creating a plan, Willow decided she wanted Amanda to use a cyberskin dildo and to be bound to our Temple bed using strong chains. The first time this was attempted didn't go well, so we stopped immediately, released her and calmly dialogued about her feelings. The second try occurred at a Temple party at Willow's urgent behest. She insisted she was ready and the exhibitionism aspect excited her so much that we proceeded with the same scenario in front of a small crowd that had been specially prepped to support Willow's Rite of Passage. It was loud, scary and her fierce struggle bent several eyehooks on the bed, but Amanda skillfully performed oral sex and used our sensually soft dildo until the young woman exploded with ecstasy.

It was a huge breakthrough for Willow that enabled her to be sexual with other women and eventually men. She's been having great sex with her current boyfriend for over a year and recently acquired a 20-ish female friend (Acacia) who seemed to be in the same position Willow was back in 2004. Of course, she referred Acacia to us and this time the story was different. Although Willow had prepared Acacia for a phone call from Amanda, the young lady became terrified and said: "I don't want to talk to that woman, she can't help me!"

Acacia is correct. Even a glowing referral can't always overcome lifelong barriers ... you have to be ~ready~ to do the work. The most important (and most difficult) step of the Qadishtu journey is sometimes the first one.

David

Sexual Initiations

2009-05-27T13:46:00.001-04:00

The Egyptian Goddess Isis was known, among other things, as the Initiator into the Sexual Mysteries. In some ancient cultures, young people were initiated into the sexual aspects of their lives by priests or priestesses specifically trained for this purpose. Can you imagine how your sex life might be different if you hadn’t had to learn all about sex through the fumblings of your own experimentation?

Some of us had particularly abusive or violent initiations into our sexuality. I, for instance, was raped by two men at the age of 13. I had just started to bud into my curvy, womanly body, and was learning the power of my feminine wiles, when I found myself in a compromising position, which I had trouble getting out of. Then, several months later, the boyfriend I’d been dating for several years and I decided it was time for us to have sex for the first time. He carried me over the threshold and up the steps, laid me down on his waterbed, and we proceeded to have a delightful time. Until afterward, when he called me a slut and a liar, because I moved too naturally for that to have been my first time, and I didn’t bleed. I had already told him about the rape, but that didn’t seem to matter to him. I ended my first voluntary sexual experience in tears and feeling just as ashamed and dirty as I did after my first involuntary experience.

Many, many years later, I became involved with my current beloved, who taught me about the Qadishtu path. I shared with him, as so many of us do, my early sexual history, including those two experiences I just mentioned. He suggested that we re-do my virgin night. I agreed. He was gentle and patient and asked my permission every step of the way. “May I kiss you now?” “May I caress your breasts?” “May I remove your shirt?” He made it clear that we could stop anytime I wanted. He also pretended to teach me how to touch him in ways that he liked. And when I would have sped things up, he slowed them down, explaining we had all the time in the world. It was sweet, and loving, and moving, and everything a first time should be. That night, he was my Qadishtu, my sexual initiator, my healer. Old, old wounds that I thought I’d gotten over, but were really just scabbed over, were finally put to rest in his loving hands.

The Lady of the Dark Fire

2009-05-24T08:24:00.000-04:00

I saw a client yesterday who was in crisis. She had been fighting with her boyfriend, and her neck was hurting badly. As I laid my hands upon her neck, I told her that it was all right to cry. Soon she was sobbing loudly.

She moved around the floor into different positions, crying and then screaming. She remembered being molested at age seven, in the dark. I stayed with her, following her energy.

Then she sat up. Her body softened, and she started saying “OK” over and over. I asked her permission, then held her yoni with one hand. My other hand touched her spine lightly as she rocked her body. I didn’t know exactly what was happening, but I knew that it was important.

She got to a place where she could talk again, and told me what had happened. A goddess had spoken to her, one who is of the dark fire. The goddess told her that it was time to dedicate her life to the dark fire, that she could make no more plans of her own. It was time to serve the dark fire. My client surrendered to this, and was at peace with it, even though she didn’t know what it meant.

Today she called me and told me that the session yesterday had changed her life. She was more relaxed at work than she had ever been. She is willing and even excited to do this service.

It is such a privilege to be a midwife for such an opening. I am honored to do this work.

Be the change

2009-05-13T02:22:00.007-04:00

Ostensibly this post is about my first Qadishtu client “I.” However, as our initial conversations began to unfold, I realized that a current and very problematic situation in my own life was going to need to be rethought before I could truly be of assistance to this young man I was working with. While his name begins with “I,” it turns out that the situation he was struggling with was mirroring deeply within my own shadow side, and it was imperative that I open my heart up further than ever before to solutions that appeared impossibly painful.

For years, I can even say decades, I’ve been working on my own childhood issues of abuse using psychotherapy, Zen meditation, and my own unflagging commitment to embodying the changes that I’d wished my mother had demonstrated. A phrase attributed to Gandhi, “Be the change you wish to see in the world,” has been of much support throughout the years, and provided guidance when I was uncertain as to the correct action to take in many situations. However, it wasn’t helping me now in the aftermath of a horrific breakup of a very valued relationship with “R.” Despite the amazing support and advice of many dear and loving friends, I wasn’t resolving the situation internally. I was completely at a loss as to how to interact, or not interact, with someone I deeply loved, but knew I couldn’t continue a relationship with, and none of my own or other suggested solutions felt correct.

As I continued to listen to and work with “I,” I was constantly reminded of another story from Gandhi’s life.

A mother went to Gandhi one day, with her young son in tow. “Gandhiji,” she pleaded, “please tell my son to stop eating sugar.” Gandhi told her, “Come back in three days.” Puzzled, the mother did as she was asked and went back home. When she returned with her son three days later, Gandhi told the boy, “Stop eating sugar.” The mother then asked Gandhi, “Why didn’t you just tell him to stop eating sugar three days ago?” "Because,” the Mahatma said, “three days ago I hadn’t stopped eating sugar myself.”

This was an exceedingly apt metaphor for my own situation. I needed to change my behavior first before I could proffer advice to “I.” My own integrity had to be intact in order for my being to have value for him or anyone else.

In my personal situation I began a new search for habits and patterns of thought and behavior that were comfortable, but not necessarily productive or even positive. I began to use another technique I learned early on at the dojo, “Always assume I’m wrong in a situation in order to find a solution.” While I’ve been doing this for years, I knew that the depth of my love for and openness to “R” had allowed previously untapped areas of my psyche to be uncovered for examination. This process is usually not pleasant or fun, as delving into the depths of anger, rage, hatred and other assorted dark aspects of myself can be horrifying and frightening. Yet I’ve had enough experience and support in this process to trust that I would be able to handle whatever came up within, as well as access the other, brighter side after I’d done so. All of this was again necessary for me in order to encourage “I” to walk this same path within himself.

Over the years of unraveling my own past, I’ve gradually learned to completely trust my intuition with regard to my self and others; and without fail it has never steered me wrong. It’s only when I second guess myself, or ignore obvious truths out of greed or incorrect self-interest that I get into trouble, and the relationship with “R” contained much of this. As I identified behaviors in “I,” their corollary in me also showed up; passive-aggression, self-pity, feigned ignorance. What was suddenly different one day was a greater depth of understanding that flooded through me after listening to a voice-message from “R.” While his voice was bright and vibrant, and the offer he made was seemingly innocent and friendly, upon hearing his words I felt as if I'd been punched in the gut. My body began to shake and I became nauseated. I had to pull over and stop the car in order to care for and settle myself down. “What is this, why am I having this reaction, what’s underneath . . .” a long series of questions began to methodically manifest in response. The answer suddenly became clear in my mind.

Both “R” and I are from extremely abusive childhoods. In that moment I identified a passive-aggressive behavior that I’d developed as a very young child that was my only means of defense. Because I wasn’t allowed to express my own anger I found ways to sadistically provoke my mother, and in the only way available to me, ease my own pain by causing more of it in her, while at the same time pretending to be innocent. While I could righteously claim “I’m not doing anything,’ in fact I was, and it was contributing to the cycle of abuse. Through my introspective work, this behavior in myself had gradually ended but without me being fully aware of its depth. In a flash, I recognized this same sadistic/pain-relief behavior in “R” in both the offer in the voice-message, and as a long-time underlying theme in our relationship. Becoming aware of this immediately, and now more fully over time, has allowed me to relax into accepting the current state of that relationship, and to respond appropriately and maturely when this particular issue manifests itself in him, myself, and others.

For “I,” me being able to identify and work successfully through another of my shadows put another tool in my toolbox that I can use in my work with him. Having the experience myself allows me to be of further assistance to all my clients. As my first bodywork teacher, Dub Leigh, mentioned often, we can only take others as far as we’ve gone ourselves. David and Amanda, my Qadishtu mentors, often say that as Qadishti we’re wounded healers. This to me has always made sense, and I’m gaining a deeper appreciation by the day for the manner in which this work enfolds everyone involved in the growth process.

I’ve been working collaboratively with “I” for about two and a half months now, and he’s making incredible progress towards realizing the goals he set out for himself. While originally apprehensive and even frightened of some of the changes and practices I suggested for him, his submissive nature and our contract allowed him to fully embrace and carry out our agreed-upon plan of action. He himself has been amazed and delighted by the difference in how he’s felt, and the different perspectives he’s gained on his life. Even his family has commented on the changes they've noticed. Where his life has been seemingly stuck for years, in a fairly short time, many areas are rapidly shifting and he's experiencing a great deal of new perspectives, and feeling hopeful for his future. By being able to utilize so many different modalities in the healing process, i.e. talk-therapy, BDSM, sensual and sexual touch, intuition, meditation, bodywork, and collaboration with other Qadishti, I am feeling for the first time in my professional career as if my entire self is being utilized, as well as directly benefiting from, the work I do.

Ivory Tower Mysticism

2009-05-11T20:26:00.005-04:00

David is sweet ... he scheduled me to write on Mother's Day thinking I'd do something topical like how Karuna stems from maternal compassion, or some such thing. He should have known better. I'm a single focus woman, and right now my interests are limited to slowly climbing academia's ivory towers.

I’ll finally be done with the first leg of my Phd quest after I complete my thesis in June. Three years ago, we sacrificed decent income as a legal secretary, so I could return to college to finish my undergrad. It seemed silly since I was over 50 and I hadn’t been in school for three decades, but to me this was unfinished business that could give my Qadishtu Temple work important credibility.

I started in an adult program at DePaul with the quaint concept of being a theologian or ethicist. Theologians are the Christian way to define spokespeople for a religion. I'm Pagan, so this idea quickly morphed after I started taking classes in DePaul's Religious Studies Department and I ended up leaving the adult education ad hoc program.

DePaul's Religious Studies Department put me under the advisement of Dr. Kay Read whose special area of expertise was Meso-America and Native American studies. It was through her guidance I got over my self consciousness about being a mystic. In fact, I learned that William James wrote a book a century ago about secular mystics, those of us that had ecstatic transcendent experiences outside the structures of a church. James said we belonged to “Natural Religion.”

My thesis is on Interconnectedness and its impact on secular affairs. What I’m doing is showing legitimate connections between the transcendent and the mundane – and how it’s not supernatural, but everything is sacred and should be treated as such. The point is to stop the idea of disenchantment and allow mystical traditions to help heal mental health issues through a community-based method. Native Americans are already using community-based traditional spiritual practices to help soldiers coming back from Afghanistan and Iraq to get over Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. If we can create a link between spirituality and a practical problem solving, this should generate actual secular and scientific validity.

What does that accomplish? Oh my god! Can you imagine? Being able to do active Qadishtu work without some institution coming in and arresting you for prostitution? Or how about doing studies on adolescent sexuality that will heal the society, not cripple it. I mean how far can we go on Just Say No To Sex? How is my education benefitting me as a Qadishtu? With a solid body of academic work behind me, my efforts as a Qadishtu Priestess should pack a bigger wallop. To my mind, a legitimized Priesthood has the greatest chance to help heal and serve our wounded world.

Amanda

Sexting

2009-05-06T19:41:00.003-04:00

“Are you sure,” She said for what seemed like the tenth time. “That you will cover ‘sexting.’” I start again to go into my explanation that I would talk about children interacting online. My presentation, I have already told her, explores both risks and benefits of new technologies. I wanted to tell her that ‘sexting’ is a media-term that teenagers would never use among themselves. I wanted to tell her that flirting between teenagers even in sexually explicit ways has always been happening from time immemorial. Cell phones that can send words and pictures winging through space are the new trend, not adolescent behavior.

I take a breath and stop myself. She and the parents she wants me to speak to are scared. They’ve seen the pictures of a lovely, young woman who took her own life, and they are thinking of their own loved ones. They see a technology that they will always be hopelessly behind at utilizing. Most of what they’ve heard has fanned the flames of that fear. I can hear it echoing in this woman’s tone and her choice of language. And, I’m glad she called.

I have a chance to replace the sound bytes and blurry images with facts and research. I will make a case to parents to get to know their kids better and not have knee-jerk reaction that lead to conflict. I have the chance to talk about teenagers and sexual behavior as natural and not essentially destructive. I have the opportunity to help parents empathize with their children and use this as an opportunity to start a conversation, not a lecture.

“Yes,” I said. “I will make sure to cover ‘sexting.’”

The Qadishti Experience

2009-04-29T16:56:00.002-04:00

Recently I have been going through some personal things, not feeling that great about myself, went through a break up and a recent surgery and I have a friend who is the most beautiful person i have ever had in my life and she is a fellow Qadishtu and I love her with every fiber of my being.

Often I write about what I do for others as a Qadhistu but not to often do I write about what others do for me. This person shows me loving kindness on a daily basis, encourages me to move forward, gives me magickal advice and reminds me often that i am a treasured soul just the way i am. She is magnicifant and I could never thank her enough for all she has done for me lately to get me through my own hard times.

Karen, you are a treasured friend and soul sister, I love you very much. You amaze me how you walk the path of the Qadishti on a daily basis and how you touch the lives of so many in such a positive way. Thank you for all you have done for me.

Love you,
Love amber

Some Days...

2009-04-15T09:05:00.004-04:00

Some days, you just don’t feel it.

Some days you are just too drained, too tired, too spent, too fragile, too lost in your own primal scream of pain to believe you have anything left for anyone else.

I was as deeply depressed as I can ever remember, certainly deeper than I’d been in several years. My mate and I had weathered our first real misunderstanding, and I was still reeling. Nothing felt solid anymore. Beliefs I’d held about our relationship, beliefs I’d held about myself had been shattered, and I was still trying to re-gather the pieces. I was convinced I had failed everyone – my mate, everyone we were collectively involved with, and most of all myself. Sure, my Beloved and I had talked things through and come to an understanding, but the repercussions went beyond the two of us, and I could feel the loose threads of misunderstanding and confusion threatening to unravel everywhere. My pain set off a chain reaction, and was affecting other people. I had to do something to fix it.

Of course, I know better than to try and fix other people’s emotions. Or, at least I should know better. As an empath and a caregiver, sometimes surfing the boundaries of what people really need versus what I think they need can be tricky. I know that if I could find a way to take the pain for everyone else in the universe and somehow make everyone happy, I wouldn’t even hesitate. Hurt me – I can take it. Anything to spare the people I love. Happily the gods haven’t shared that particular secret with me yet, which is likely a good thing. People need the bad with the good, the pain with the pleasure, the struggle with the accomplishment. Otherwise no one would appreciate the good things when they happen, or grow into the people they are meant to be. Some days I’m pretty good at keeping perspective and not trying to interfere with the parts that aren’t mine to fix. Other days, not so much.

On this day, I had to try, if for no other reason than the fact I sensed others trying to take on a misplaced responsibility for my feelings. And if I’m nothing else, I’m adamant about owning my own stuff and not placing blame or responsibility on anyone but myself. So, I decided to speak my own truth, and take ownership of my feelings, publicly. Loudly. So that no one could possibly misunderstand. I chose to use Livejournal since everyone involved had a blog on that site, and therefore would likely see anything I posted.

My treatise came in two parts – first a general statement regarding my philosophy of relationships, and then a more personal revelation of what had happened between my mate and me. My hope was that in explaining the way I look at things, and my personal theories on the "geometry of Polyamory" I’d diffuse some of the confusion I was picking up on. Then, in being transparent, I could address any specific concerns those who were involved might be harboring. Having spoken my truth, if there were any lingering questions they could ask, and I could leave them to work through their own stuff, armed with information and hopefully understanding. My purpose was fairly specific, aimed at a relatively narrow audience. I hoped they’d understand.

Later in the day, I started reading comments left on the journal entries. I was floored. There was a tearful "Thank you, that’s exactly what I needed to hear!" from a woman I barely knew. Another friend who’d gone through a break up recently spoke up, writing, "I wish more people understood what you are saying here." Another asked if she could share a link to my journal so others could read what I’d written, because she felt it needed to be shared.

The comment that really struck me, however, was in response to the more personal of the entries. "I REALLY admire you for being so 'out there' about this issue. One of the things I find difficult is so many people don't want to talk about their issues...because they perceive it as airing their dirty laundry. I think we rob ourselves of good advice and rob others of learning from us when we are afraid to share." Wow. I’ve always tended to live my life as an open book, but it had never occurred to me that anyone was really paying attention. Suddenly, my pain took on a whole new meaning. Until then, I’d just been writing my pain to get it out. It hadn’t occurred to me that the gods might use that to help others deal with their pain. The moment I’d felt I didn’t have anything left for anyone else, in offering that pain up for the world to see…the gods used it to help heal in ways I’d never expected.

Some days, even if you feel you’ve got nothing left to give anyone else, the gods can use you in spite of yourself. For me, that takes a lot of the "Am I worthy?" out of the equation. And that's a huge comfort on those days you just aren't feeling it.

Kitty Qadishtu

2009-04-14T08:09:00.003-04:00

I saw her sitting off to the side, watching the various scenes going on in the dungeon at Frolicon. She was in her wheelchair, but sitting alone. I was playing a cat persona, and while my Master had me on a leash, he was allowing me to explore. When I saw her, I had an overwhelming urge to go and love on her as a cat. I padded up to her on all fours, looked up at her face and meowed softly. A slow smile suffused her face and she reached for me. I took her up on her invitation and moved in to strop her legs, which ended just above her knees. She cuddled me and stroked my hair, while I lavished kitty-love on her. I was particularly drawn to rub lovingly against the part of her that I sensed others tend to avoid. After several minutes, I moved away, but I looked back to see her smiling widely, and I could feel that her energy had shifted. She was back to looking on at the others’ scenes, but now it felt less like she was a curious outsider, and more like a cherished part of the play. She was the only one who fully welcomed and attuned to my cat persona without having to take a moment to realize that’s what I was.

D the Music Man

2009-04-12T23:25:00.003-04:00

Do you remember when you were a kid and you got all excited on Easter morning looking in your Easter basket for all of those goodies? Ahh, there it is. That grand prize of a foil wrapped confection. You would close your eyes and reverently embrace that rabbit in both hands and slowly unwrap the foil, careful not to break the fine covering. Mmmmm. Chocolate. Ok, enough of this torture. You would quickly go to nibble on the ears. Crush. Crumbles would fall into your lap at that same moment that you realized that the bunny was hollow. Sigh.
My memories of the hollow Easter chocolate bunny became my frame of reference for a man called D.
I met D thru on a BDSM website. I had been replying to a thread on Sacred Healing and Sacred Trust and he contacted me with further questions. From there we chatted numerous times. D was a student at a local university and so after several months we met for coffee.
D was from a strict Jewish family and his upbringing was crammed with numerous protocols stymieing his sexual exploration. He spoke of a fear of being in close proximity to any human, especially in an intimate setting. He wanted to work with me, in particular, because I had agreed to his decree for no sexual intercourse. D was saving that intimacy for marriage. D wanted to overcome some of his biases, but still he wanted to learn to be a ‘stud lover’ as he termed as this was his interpretation of a 'perfect man'. He wasn’t sure what he needed, just felt that his awkward advances would be a deterrent to a potential mate.
D doubted that there was much I could help him with, while I felt that we had plenty of material on which to work. We started with simple breathing and non-sexual touch. We did sensual, not sexual, touch. We worked on concentration and meditation. I did healing touch work on him. I felt that I was making the tiniest dent in his armor and strived to work harder. Suddenly, he got frustrated and said that I had wasted his time and asked me to leave.
I was angry with myself for not reading his needs correctly. I castigated myself and conferred with some friends. Then D called me and groveled. So we met again. He brought me flowers and explained his confusion. So we started over.
Until D got panicky, that is and I left once more.
I tried multiple times to include a cohort or to refer him to another priestess. D was always insistent that he had made progress with me as his guide.
When we began, D was working on his Master’s degree in Music Methodology. Over the years, he has studied abroad twice, finished his Masters, and now, has almost finished his PhD.
I have worked with D intermittently over this period. Even when he was out of the country, we would communicate by Internet. But, each time that I felt I was making some small, miniscule, almost-to-be-hoped-for progress, D would retreat. I vowed to not work with him again. Yet, D would return pleading, sometimes even with the sound of music, for my help.
That man could sure make some beautiful music. That man had a smile that made your toes tingle. That man seemed to be one to ‘take home to Mama’.
That man was just as empty as my chocolate Easter bunny when it came to being cozy and intimate and comfortable in his own skin and just as yummy on the inside as the outside.
Have I helped D at all?

Have I given him any tools to guide him with intimacy?
I don’t rightly know at this point. D is not speaking with me again.

All Things in Time

2009-04-09T08:57:00.002-04:00

About a year ago, a man named "Jim" entered my life through our local Poly support group. I began to spend some time with Jim on a social basis and nearly from the beginning sensed that he might be someone who would benefit from sacred touch, healing touch.

By all outer appearances, Jim seems to have it all. He's in a glamourus career, is tall and handsome, has a beautiful wife who is very accepting of the poly lifestyle and encouraging of his growth, 2 kids, living in the suburbs and the list goes on and on. However, it didn't take very long for me to discover how very lonely Jim is. He struggles with meeting people and forming intimate relationships. His self-confidence is low and I sense that he doesn't feel worthy of love and attention.

At the time, it did not seem appropriate to approach Jim with the suggestion of a sacred touch session. It was what my gut was telling me, but the timing was not right. I can remember telling one of my loves that it was something I was feeling compelled to do with Jim, but that I didn't believe he would be open to it. He is a tough nut to crack and has his walls very high and solid around him.

As my friendship with Jim has grown over the last year, I have learned more about his upbringing, gaining insights into what has contributed to the walls, to the level of self-doubt. I found that I was serving him best by being a shoulder to lean on and providing ears to listen.

Last weekend, Jim took another step and joined us at a local kink party. It was his first one and he was walking around taking it all in. Absorbing the energy. Observing. After a few hours he came up to me and expressed an interst in participating in the evening. It caught me a little off-guard and quite honestly, due to the nature of how our relationship has developed, felt a little awkward as well. However, a voice was telling me that it was time.

I took my time getting him prepared for the scene. He removed his clothing to the level he was comfortable and I leaned him up on a cross, loosely tying him there with rope. I placed a blindfold on him and then paused. Not sure what step to take next. If he had been anyone else, I wouldn't have been as confused. But we have not had an intimate relationship, and in fact, I have specifically avoided touch with him, knowing that he is not typically receptive to it.

I glanced around and saw two women who both know Jim and who I trust. I called them up and set them loose. The showered him with affection. Small bites, kisses up and down his body. Hands stroking him, nails lightly grazing him. Ice melting down his skin followed by the warm touch of lips and tongue. I participated from the edge. I kept contact so as not to lose the connection, but I wanted him to revel in the attentions of people who could freely express their delight in him.

Through this, I also found myself relaxing. Finding my goddess center. My initial awkwardness and uncertainty dissolved and when my two lovely assistants walked off the stage, I was able to take over. I took my time gently stroking his chest, his arms, his legs. I placed my leg between his to gain closer contact to his body and pressed myself against him. I stroked his face, surrounding us with goddess energy. I wanted to take him down from the intensity of many hands on him to the focused, soft touch of just mine.

I could hear his breathing pattern change. Evening out and becoming more measured, peaceful, at ease.

At the end of the scene, I removed his blindfold and looked him in the eye. He embraced me, stroked my hair and said "that is exactly what I needed." He has since asked to have a full sacred touch session which I am looking forward to doing.

It has taken a full year to get to where my gut originally told me I needed to be. The goddess has her own way and her own time table. Namaste.

Karen

Why people seek Qadishti

2009-04-02T19:48:00.013-04:00

Over the years the Temple of Terra Incognita (TI) has been approached by all sorts of people. The healthy, wealthly, middle class, poor, male, female, gender fluid, kinky, poly, swinging, celibate, skilled, neophytic, spiritually exploring and broken/disconnected.

Most seekers can't articulate what they are looking for or why they are interested in our services. They often are attracted simply because we are not about any one thing. Results-oriented Chaos Magick and Flow is very important to TI. Being open to whatever happens.

My wife Amanda wrote a post here on 10/3/08 about a married couple (Vi and Leo) we took to a local BDSM playspace. While she and Vi interacted with a submissive stranger, Leo watched from the sidelines, wishing he was the one tied down and being done. Yet something was stopping him. We explored this a month later in the privacy of Elmslie Manor's Temple space.

This couple had come to us wanting to expand their sexual horizon's and their married relationship. Yet there is almost always a hidden agenda. Fortunately, in this case it wasn't marital boredom, infidelity or lies. Vi was already sexually expansive ... Leo however was consumed by fear. We negotiated a BDSM-ish session on the Temple altar were Leo would be done by Amanda and Vi with my creative input.

Everything emotionally imploded with the blindfold and bondage scenario I concocted. Leo confessed that he had been anally gang raped as a teen and his desire for a submissive scene involving a power exchange was being thwarted by the painful memories. I knew he needed to feel safe, loved and realize he had control. We took off the blindfold and restraints and told Leo to relax. This is your fantasy, what do you want?

He told us his fantasy and we did it very carefully, always checking in to see how Leo felt. It wasn't long before blindfolds and bondage were no big deal for him and Vi was able to enjoy her husband without Qadishtu help.

David

Come to Mama

2009-03-30T22:01:00.001-04:00

My friend Sam’s girlfriend had recently broken up with him, and he was really struggling with letting go. I suggested that some of the work I did might be helpful for him, and he quickly agreed. We set up a time to meet.

He came over, and we talked a bit. He told me how much he still loved her, and how painful it was to try to slip into a platonic friendship from the romantic love they had shared. Things were worse because they still shared the same circle of friends and he saw her frequently. He had been trying to get past it, but just wasn’t having much luck.

I listened, and then explained that I was going to embody Tara, the goddess of wisdom and compassion, while I held him. We sat down on the bed. I lay back, closed my eyes, calmed my mind and invited Her to come into me. When I felt Her energy vibrating through my body, I invited Sam to lie down next to me. He lay on his side and put his head on my breast. I enclosed my arms around him, and held him, rocking slightly. Tara’s warm, smiling energy immediately responded to his sadness, and I felt Her presence more strongly.

Sam began to sob, and cried out the name of his ex-girlfriend. I held him, stroked his hair, and rocked him back and forth. Occasionally I would tell him that it was going to be all right, but mostly I just held him as any mother would hold a child who had been hurt.

Eventually we pulled apart, and Sam got up to blow his nose and splash a little water on his face. When he returned, he looked worn out. I sent him home to get some rest, as he hadn’t been sleeping well.

The next day, he called me to thank me, and said he slept well, and felt lighter and more at peace with the situation. I told him I was glad to be of service, only it wasn’t me, but rather Tara, who had held him in Her arms, and that his gratitude should be directed toward Her.

Making Love To Yourself

2009-03-29T07:57:00.001-04:00

He was a tow truck driver, sloppy fat with greasy hair and black under his fingernails. His shirttail hung out on one side, and his khaki pants were baggy.

Gulping inwardly, I welcomed him in. Remembering my ethic of finding something lovable about each person, I softened as I gazed at him.

“How may I serve you?”

“I’ve heard that tantra will help me slow down. I could use that.”

“Yes, I can teach you a way to breathe that will help you with that.”

I began to explain the mechanics of drawing energy up the spine away from the pelvis. I asked him to tell me when he needed to slow down, so I could help him redistribute the energy.

Once he was familiar with the process of delay, I encouraged him to just lie back and enjoy the touch. Caressing him lightly on his legs and thighs stimulated an erection almost immediately. I stroked around his lingam, not touching it, and moved up his belly and chest with my hands. After a few minutes of teasing him, I took his penis in my hands and held it gently.

“Remember, tell me when you want to slow down.”

“All right. It feels really good.”

I poured some lubricant into my hands and enjoyed the slippery feel as my hands slid all over his lingam. Suddenly his body tensed and his eyes grew wide.

“Whoa! Slow down!” Instantly I stopped, but it was too late. His cock twitched and semen began to flow.

“Just let go and enjoy,” I encouraged. “Don’t try to stop it now.” I knew that if he did, he would still have the ejaculation, but no orgasm or pleasure.

As his orgasm subsided, I glanced at the clock. It had been five minutes since I had begun touching him. “Wow, he really does need some help,” I thought to myself. “I had no idea how trigger-happy he was.”

“This is just part of the learning process,” I told him once he was able to hear me again. “You have to learn your body to be able to do this technique. That’s the tricky part. It takes practice. The more you practice, the more you will begin to know when you are getting close, and you can slow down sooner. Practice makes perfect!”

“Should I come to see you again?” he asked.

“Yes, I’d be happy to help you practice,” I answered. “And you can also practice with yourself. Make love to yourself, and practice delaying. You’ll learn a lot.”

“Make love to myself? You mean masturbate?”

“Yes, I like to call it making love to myself. It has a whole different feel than the word masturbation. Masturbation sounds like something furtive and dirty, something you do as quickly as possible so you won’t get caught. That’s why a lot of men have trouble with premature ejaculation. As teenagers they trained themselves to come as fast as they could, hiding in the bathroom.”

“Yes, I did that.”

“So now you can train yourself differently. Set it up as a ritual. Light candles, be in front of a mirror. Pleasure yourself while looking into your own eyes. Tell yourself ‘I love you.’ Celebrate yourself.”

“That’s really different than anything I’ve ever done.”

“Yes, I’m sure it is. Does it sound like fun?”

“Yes, it does,” he said, his eyes wandering off in contemplation.

“The Buddha said that you can travel the world over and never find another person more deserving of love than you. This is a way to express that.”

One of the things that I loved about doing sensual massage was that I reached people who would never have come to see me if I had called it “spiritual” or “healing”. Yet often they were the ones most in need of healing. The promise of an exotic sexual experience lured them in, and once they were there, they often received much more than just a hand job. Like with this man, I used the opening that happened with orgasm as a way in, to plant seeds of self-loving, heart-healing, and a glimpse of a broader reality.

(This is an excerpt from my book, Tales of a Sacred Prostitute.)

Pivot Point

2009-03-28T22:22:00.012-04:00

Editor's note: Love (and heartbreak) is often our business as Qadishti. Our newest Qadishtu Experience contributor ~Geshti-Eresh~ has decided to post a first person narrative on how the Q-mindset has shaped her approach when counseling friends as well as clients.

David

“I’m overwhelmed by this whole situation,” my friend managed to whisper at me with a mouth half full of egg and bacon omelet, “I don’t understand it. HE started this. HE approached me. HE sped through the go sign and didn’t look back…HE…”

I calmly waved a hand at my friend to keep him from raising his voice too much, people were beginning to look, and with each punched ‘HE’, my face was beginning resemble a half eaten omelet. I picked up my napkin and collectively dabbed my face of the egg bits and coaxed the back of his clenched hand. “Murphy,” I finally broke after listening to his 50 minute looped tirade, “Maybe this guy…”

I choked, and remembered my own experiences from what then seemed to be insufferable men, and how I made myself, every time, out to be the victim. And how I subjected my priestess and priest to the very same dementia Murphy was now parading. I gasped at how uncanny the situation was to mine, he crying and I listening very intently, keeping quiet and steady like a lioness as she watches her hunt. It took every breath in my body to keep from pouncing, ‘SHUTUP!,’ I wanted to roar, ‘...Eat your omelet, Murphy Lohr, and get over it. You are better than him, and you are better than this…now lets eat some cinnamon toast for god’s sake!,’ But I kept cool. Terra Incognita had done that for me, taught me the art of listening with love.

I began again by choosing my words carefully, this time, letting the power of the goddess flow through me. “Let this man be, Murphy. You two shared a wonderful experience. Unfortunately, that experience turned into something you didn’t want. Now’s the time to let it go and move forward. Something else, I’m sure, is waiting for you.”

Murphy perked up, confused. He inhaled the last bits of his food and gulped down what seemed to be gallons of water. A substantial period of silence passed. He wasn’t used to hearing that, it was too alien…too…neutral. But I wanted Murphy to know that he had been mistreated, and that his reaction was justified. ‘It’s one thing to be a passive listener, and then another to be empathetic.,’ I silently reasoned. I caught his reflective gaze and added, “This man did violate you because he wasn’t being fully honest with his intentions, but it is crucial that you don’t make yourself out to be the victim. Don’t let this experience hinder you from finding love. See it as an opportunity, a pivot point to something greater in your life.”

I saw my words flowing through his thoughts, like a soft ripple. It quickly shattered to desperation and his expression hardened, becoming rigid and stiff. I knew from the second he turned from self-reflection to a fort-like defense because I am the queen of defenses, but through tactical conscious effort, the help of my Temple, and dabbling in the realm of Qadishtu, I have learned to become a gracious observer of myself and others, and when asked to, create a space for healing and mentoring…well, sort of. I am still in the processes of being mentored, but as a student I have found that I learn more by assuming the role of teacher.

In his current drama, Murphy was used to hearing curses from his friends, “Fuck him!,” or, “What an asshole!,” to, “Don’t worry, he’ll call you!...Don’t worry, he pines for you! Don’t worry…don’t…don’t do… What a Whore! What a Slut! Dick!” However, I fed him something different, something that he couldn’t seem to swallow easily at first. It was Qadishtu. And through careful, honest intent, I succumbed to Qadishtu and gave Murphy the vehicle to something more freeing and nurturing. I wanted him to access his divine self…

He took in one more forceful gulp of his water. “You know,” he stammered, “the thought of letting him go…just fucking go, is so….I don’t know… it makes sense.”
I concurred, “And you are no longer stuck in all the drama of being pissed at him.”
“Yeah…”
“Which consumes all your energy and turns you into something unpleasant...”
“Yeah…a monster.”
“And there’s no chance of accessing or finding love when you are like that.”
“Yeah!,” Murphy reassured himself, “He did what he did, and I have no control over that.”
“Right,” I reinforced.
“It had nothing to do with me. It wasn’t personal. It wasn’t my fault.”
“Exactly.”
“Huh.”
“Uh-huh. And now, you are free to just be and love.”
He paused, then blinked. “Why is that so hard to come by? Why can’t everyone just realize that’s how simple these things are? Just coming back to that?”

I asked that question my whole life, but surprisingly, through this conversation I had been jolted with an inspired thought, “Because its supposed to be this way,” I looked at him, eager to share my thoughts, “Its supposed to be a process. We learn a lot about ourselves and others when we do that.”

“You mean, self-inflection. Like, I shouldn’t hate this guy, or blame myself for what happened. It happened, and that’s it… Next!” he playfully snapped his fingers then chuckled.
“Yeah…and for me, and I think you too, it’s the challenge of learning to accept things for what they are, even if they aren’t what we want them to be.”

We sat there and smiled at each other. ‘What an idiot I can be,’ I read in his expression. Good. He went from inconsolable to self-deprecating and high-spirited; I felt resolved and pleased.

I sighed, cradled my head in my hands and eventually let them tangle through my hair, “Its okay, we are all challenged. That’s why revelations like these are so necessary.”

Geshti-eresh

Qadishtu Apprenticeship Series: The beginning

2009-03-18T20:26:00.007-04:00

I was recently asked to chronicle my Courtesan training in the Qadishtu Temple of Terra Incognita (TI). This was brought up as I was sitting in the beautiful oak-paneled living room of Elmslie Manor, home of David and Amanda, and the heart of TI. He and I were sharing a rich, full bodied, dark beer while the late afternoon sun streamed in through the windows as we talked. David had sent me a lengthy list of Qadishtu-oriented books to peruse and read last summer, but this cozy conversation was where my apprenticeship really began.

During the first step in my formal education, David filled me in on the beginnings of the Temple, as well as the Patrons, Priestesses, and Protégés to date. Some of this history I had heard before in bits and pieces during various discussions over the past six months. For the first time however, it was being told in chronological order, with all of the honest assessments that would be crucial to understanding the Qadishtu work central to this particular temple.

One of the first things that struck me, as David continued his narrative, was the similarity to the uchi deshi system of live-in trainees in a martial or Zen dojo. This was something I was familiar with as a twentyfive-plus year student of both. Having the opportunity to live in the home and temple of my Qadesh teachers affords me the opportunity to breathe in the rhythms and energy that are intrinsic to the particular work we are doing. While I don't currently live here full-time, as my predecessor Kristin did, being able to spend a week every month affords me the opportunity to deepen my intuitive grasp of Qadishti work, as well as my connection to the core Temple members, and the others who make up the inner circles of our group.

On one of my previous visits, I was able to spend a day with David and one of his clients, with her full permission, in order to observe their relationship in action. She was very open to discussing and sharing the benefits she was gaining as a result of working with David, and I was able to garner insights into the varied aspects of what this work might entail. Having the opportunity to engage with both of them in a series of truly delightful social settings allowed me to learn while interacting, which has been essential to my understanding what Qadishti work involves.

Next: My first Client.

Personalizing objects

2009-03-15T13:33:00.004-04:00

One of the most psychologically interesting interactions I've ever had was with a man who broke into my garden apartment when I was in my early 20s to rape me.

My daughters were very young (6 months and 2-1/2 years) and I was a single parent sleeping on the couch in my living room, while the girls shared the bedroom space. I felt someone touching my breast and instantly woke up. When I looked up, a shadowy form was jacking off next to me. When the man noticed I was conscious, he threw a sheet over my head and climbed on top of me, saying he would hurt my children if I didn't cooperate.

The rapist said he didn't want to harm anyone, he just wanted to get his rocks off. Carefully touching my errogenous zones this man never hurt me. At some point I asked him if he was married. He said no. The apartment was quiet while he was busy trying to get himself hard and then the rapist muttered something about me being so young. I responded that I wasn't as young as he might think and asked him why he was doing this. He quickly responded with a "shhhhh."

His touch was gentle and when it came to actually doing anything, he always asked my permission first, such as when he attempted to finger my ass. As he was probing I whispered, "that's going to hurt" and the rapist replied: "OK, I won't." Finally the man started exploring my vagina and asked if he could fuck me. "If you're asking, then no," I said and again he replied: "Ok, I won't." After that he masturbated for release and shot his load on my rug. As the rapist was leaving I said, "Hey, can you do me a favor? ... Please, close the window on the way out."

He did.

Amanda

Karuna Sessions

2009-03-10T18:58:00.002-04:00

Until participating in Karuna sessions with a local temple, I had never been erotically involved with someone that I didn’t feel a strong attraction to and choose specifically to engage with intimately. I understand that not everyone can say that. For me, the potential for erotic touch in the Karuna sessions at a local pagan festival was a big milestone in going from the theoretical sacred sex work to the actual. I was curious to see how that would feel and what it might tell me about my future role with the local Qadishtu temple. With the Karuna sessions, I would be engaging with someone because they wanted the experience of the temple and not me personally. Whether you believe that the Goddess decided or chance decided who I ended up working with, it still left me in a fairly passive role. This would be new and different. It also felt like a big step toward the “prostitute” portion of the sacred prostitute role.

The Karuna sessions, as done by the temple I am a part of, had multiple components. Upon arriving, supplicants were anointed and blessed. Then the supplicant had his or her feet washed by a different priest or priestess. As that priest or priestess sat at the supplicant’s feet, the supplicant was asked about the boundaries they would like observed for the period of sacred touch they were about to enjoy. Did they want to be clothed or unclothed? What kind of touch did they like? Hard or soft? Sensual or erotic? What kind of touch did they not want? Then there was usually a short period of time for the supplicant to meditate and prepare for what was to come next.

When the inner chamber was ready, the person who bathed the supplicant’s feet led him or her into a small chamber where two more of the Temple staff waited. The foot-bather introduced the supplicant and shared what had been discussed about boundaries earlier. After confirming with the supplicant that he or she had reported the supplicant’s desires accurately, the supplicant took up a comfortable position with the three priests or priestesses surrounding him or her. Then for fifteen minutes, sacred touch was shared.

Finally, the supplicant was led out. He or she was aided by a Temple staff member to ground and prepare to return to the outside world.

The first sessions I was a part of were incredible. Even when I wasn’t actively engaged with someone, when I was keeping time or waiting to anoint someone, the energy had me high as kite, dancing and happily drinking it all in. I was the foot bather only once and was in the inner chamber for two people, but each was very moving. They were not erotic, but each woman had a wonderful experience of just the sensual touch and adoration.

At the next festival, I finally crossed the line between sensual and erotic. My first experience was with the other Temple staff members in our “practice session.” I remember being the one to initiate to erotic touch. It was with someone that I felt close to and believed would be comfortable with that kind of touch. I gave slight pressure to her perineum with my finger and blew a breath across her vulva. After that, the eroticism escalated. On reflection, I’m glad that my first time being erotic outside of a romantic relationship happened with Temple staff that I felt so comfortable with and close to. It allowed me to experiment with a certain safety net and have more confidence later on when I didn’t know people’s boundaries as well.

When I served in the inner chamber for the festival goers, my strategy was to start out doing for the recipients what I enjoyed having done to me, within the stated parameters. Sometimes, I would try to mirror another priest/ess so that the receiver could experience simultaneous touch on multiple planes of his or her body. I like the idea of them being enveloped in touch. As I let go of myself and gave into the continuous loop, enjoying touching someone and reveling in their enjoyment, I added my voice in soothing, loving tones and petted them with compliments and the gratitude I felt for their trust and vulnerability.

At this festival, we formalized the roles within the inner chamber a little further so that one priest/ess was at the person’s head. I remember holding a woman supporting her head on my breasts, enclosing her with my legs and stroking her head with my fingers. Feeling her melt into what was happening was so beautiful. As I gave myself over, I would often feel impulses to interact in different ways with the recipient. For some, I held myself erect and let my hands and words do most of the interacting. With others I used all of my body, face, breath, hair, and breasts. Sometimes, I would wriggle my body along theirs.

I loved seeing the other Temple staff as well. They are all so beautiful, graceful and transported by the experience. I almost cried at one point seeing multiple pairs of hands moving across a recipient's bare torso.

Our priestess and all the other students with the Temple that weekend joined together to work with a man and woman who were newlyweds. The couple started out lying back to receive the touch from the Temple staff. Eventually, we turned them towards each other, and they made love. I felt so honored to be a part of what happened. It seemed a fitting finale for the sessions we did that weekend.

Scarlet Sanctuary

2009-03-07T20:34:00.002-05:00

I had the privileged of taking part in the Scarlet Sanctuary as a local event in February. It's such an honor to participate with an amazing group of people doing sacred touch.

There was a participant that really stuck out in my mind from the entire evening. I wasn't giving her sacred touch but i did end up taking part in helping her afterward as she was on over load from so much positive energy.

She had tried grounding, but couldn't ground it all out. She looked at me and said that if she didn't ground out this excess energy that she would need to have a release. She was so sensitive to it and had held on to so much that she was shaking. i tried to instruct her to ground it again and then looked behind me and seen the smokey quartz, i grabbed it and handed it to her and she knew exactly what to do with it. Afterwards she was much better.

She stands, the other girls help her get dressed and then she tightens up her corset. As she tightened it up she had a full body energy orgasm. It was amazing. Afterward she thank us all and i gave her a hug. Her hug opened my own heart chakra and as i stood there hugging her, she started crying and so did i. It was just amazing. Even the words i write doesn't do it justice.

Namaste'
Amber

Unplanned Qadishtu Inspired Moments

2009-03-05T10:21:00.001-05:00

One aspect of my Qadishtu path involves energy of a most special kind, the creation of rituals. My friends lovingly call me The Ritual Whore. Not only do I love to plan them, I love to attend and feel the energy of being in circle. I love creating rituals for my community. They are usually your Witchy, Pagan type rituals. As a Sacred Sexuality Priestess, I really enjoy the possibility of working with couples or an individual through sharing circle space in the most intimate way. Our work focuses on the union between the participants, deepening the soul, creating a link with the divine within, and establishing the connection from the Shadow to the inner self/being, exploring ceremonial magic and so much more.

Here is an experience I would like to share…

She was beautiful like a midsummer’s fae fluttering about The House of Pleasure and Pain. Let’s call her Fae. I was amazed that she and I knew some of the same people. We were attending a ceremony of a mutual friend. The ceremony joined the Master and Sub wedded bliss. The reception turned from Cakes and refreshments to “Hey, since we are here”. The Mistress of the house said “Sure”! It was a small trusted gathering of friends and each was prepared with their play bags. The Beautiful Fae caught the eye of one of our Pan-Pan men. I watched his attraction grow and swell through out the night as he found the opportunity to find ways to chat with her. I began to see visions of a late night tryst that was sure to happen. Pan whispered in my ear… My God, she is beautiful. I replied, I know! We all flirted shamelessly. Fae approached me with her beguiling eyes and her fluttery beauty. She kissed my face and hugged me a lot throughout our time at the house. I looked at our character Pan who was visibly panting for her totally kept his desire in check. He began his own negotiation with her and offered to tie her up so that she can feel the rope. She expressed certain boundaries to myself and Pan so immediately I offered advice on how to approach any fears she had. I negotiated with the Handsome J so that we could do a little rope work. Pan and I worked in tandem on our two victims I mean bottoms. It was a lovely psychic trip…the headspace was exactly what we all needed. After cooling down with J, I was able to talk to our little Fae. She was sitting there watching me in her corset rope, her flesh colored bra and rosy flushed cheeks. She said that she had much to learn from me and I was surprised at her open wide childlike eyes pleading with me to teach. I told her that I am available. As the night began to wind down at the house, Fae, Pan and I decided to go somewhere else. The energy of the night did not wane. Fae and Pan rode together and they obviously cooked up a plan!

I led them to a beautiful home with a balcony. Upon that balcony, the dance of ritual began to take shape. We sat upon the floorboards, looked out upon the city, and talked about our experiences. They shared an interest in knowing what I do as a Priestess. I looked them into their eyes because I knew this moment would come and I told them about my passion. The journey of exploring sensuality, pleasures through ritualistic acts. I told them that these rituals can be used for a variety of things and if they would like to share an experience, all they had to do was ask. I paused looking at them as they looked at each other…. they immediately said right now? I said sure. The Fae after answering was a bit nervous about what was to be expected of her. The three of us began to cuddle upon a blanket that was conveniently in Pan’s truck. Fae leaned up to me as I cradled her within my bosom, to ground out her fears of the unknown. Pan looked very sincere and lay down upon her belly and we shared a quiet moment. Then we discussed and agreed upon several aspects of the ritual. They were very eager to embark upon the journey. With a candle, a blanket, and our bodies, we discovered sensuality, pleasures, and connections of the most intimate. We spoke words of meaning and reflection. They both stretched their abilities and reached a depth of communication beyond words.

In this blog, I have purposefully left out the mechanics of the ritual because I don’t think it is necessarily important..for the event.. I wanted to focus upon a wonderful moment that was created in a safe environment between those who took time to explore a different side of life. It was indeed a great experience for all involved.

May the Blessings of the Goddess Inanna be with you always.

Namaste',

Gryn

Qadishtu By Any Other Name

2009-02-28T13:11:00.002-05:00

Earth Priestess
The moon was high upon the hill. Luscious in Her fullness. I felt ripe with her. My breasts swollen. I ran through the darkened trees. Howling. Feeling my blood pulse in the rhythms of Her sea. I returned to the Wooden Yurt hidden in the woods, lit the wood stove, and lay me down to stoke other fires. My passion. My vision.

I caressed my body slowly, lingeringly from head to toe. Thank you I said softly. Thank you for being my body, for caring my soul. Thank you for holding my beauty and desire. In waves, arousal built and as it did I called and breathed the energy up from my throbbing vulva through my belly up to my heart, my 3rd eye and cascading out of the fontinelle, the crown. I sent the radiant light of Eros out to all beings.

Invoking love, light, and the healing integration of heart, body, mind, spirit and Eros (again). Can you feel it?

Sex Counselor
I closed the door to the room paneled in dark wood. We had added a move-able fireplace, candles, artwork, couches, chocolate and water. I lit the candles. Brought out a bit of sage and smudged the room. Praying that I might be guided to bring healing to this couple who had lost the spark of desire between them.

Throughout the 2 hour session, I would breathe the energy down to the earth. The mother/father planet that carries us all. Throughout the session I would pray - help. From deep in my belly would arise wisdom, as a fish coming to the surface from a deep lake. I would invite them to look softly into one another's eyes, or breathe together, or hear compassionately, or encourage them to touch softly.

I saw the light return to their eyes. I saw the hope rise in their hearts. At one point they jokingly asked if we could leave the room. Divine Eros was present.

Sexual Healer
He had a lover from 4 to 8 years old. A best guy friend turned comrade in sensual exploration as well as sports. It was fun, innocent, and filled with pleasure. One day, out of no where it seemed, his friend came over to say "I don't want to be your friend anymore. Your penis is ugly."

He became my beloved when he was 48. For 40 years he had been driven by sex, tried it all, and cheated on every relationship. The first time we made love, I felt his lush soulful energy missing from his phallus. When I asked why, he told me the tale above.

Over the next 8 months, I would give him 2 hour sessions in our bed. I would clear my mind, open my heart, pray, invoke the Divine Feminine in me and invite the Divine Masculine in him. Most of this without words. Pure presence. Deep compassion. Full love.

I would put one hand on his heart chakra (in the center of the chest) and one hand gently cupping his wand of life (his phallus). I would envision the energy moving between them. I would gently caress and massage him from head to toe with my hands, my breasts, my lips, and all of me. Blessing. Blessing. Blessing. Blessing.

Over the months he began to dream. At first of a leper family. I offered it might be his disenfranchised inner Little Boy and Inner Nurturers. Later he would wake shouting "Do you hear them? The people in the shadows outside the house?" Still later outside the room.

I offered they might be his Inner Family coming closer.

One day, while making love, I invoked my Little Girl and asked "do you have a Little Boy?" He closed his eyes. Checked inside . . . and said yes. Then that part of me asked "Can he come out and play?" He closed his eyes. Checked inside. When he opened his eyes innocence was there looking out at me.

We began to rock. Bounce. Laugh. Nuzzle. All while our genitals were connected. Ahhh. Such joy.

I learned that day, that it is the Little One's inside us that carry our deepest pain and purest potential. It is in the bringing home and healing of the Natural Self, the Eros Self in innocence that full love can finally arise.

Qadishtu by any other name?

When I presence the Divine All That Is, when I invite myself to be guided by something beyond what I think I know, when I flow with spirit on behalf of the healing of the Erotic Nature, I am Qadishtu.

Scarlet Sanctuary and the abdl

2009-02-25T16:59:00.002-05:00

I have many stories from the evening at Winter Wickedness and our time in the Scarlet Sanctuary, but the one that stands out for me is my session with the 'adult baby diaper lover'. I knew this was going to happen, as they had emailed me before hand to see if I'd be able to do it.

When I first received the email, my first reaction was that I wouldn't be able to do it. With my triggers, it was asking for trouble. Dan said he'd take care of writing them back to gently let them know that I wouldn't be able to do such a session. But, we both sat there and thought about it and I told him that it felt like I was supposed to do this. He said he had the same feeling. So, I looked within myself and decided to give it a try. I've been through a lot of work and healing over the last years and this would be a way that I could help someone else.

We talked more with the couple over the following weeks and I told them what my triggers were. But, that since he was a male, I was going to give it a try. They were very appreciative.

Saturday night rolls around and it's time for the session of sacred touch. I went to the altar and called on my Priestess side and then went out to greet them.

We put 2 tables together so that we could work on both members of the couple at the same time. Feeling the energy of the abdl, I could see that he needed to have her close by. He was in child mode. He called me 'Miss Dawn', like an obedient child and I proceeded to undress him. He helped out in the manner that a child would. We set his teddy bear off to the side in a safe place and I proceeded to walk him to the table. I had someone else helping me at the time with the girl, undressing her and such, so that I wouldn't have to leave the guy alone while dealing with the gal. He was in such a space that it wouldn't have been good for me to leave him alone during any point of this. He was very vulnerable and I considered him very brave to be doing this at all. That is what kept going through my head...how brave he was. Though it was a kinky event that we were at, abdl's still get looked at funny. But, there really isnt' any other place for them to go and let that side of themselves out.

Well, I got him on the table after he whispered to me asking if I was going to be ok with him wearing a diaper. Oddly enough, I was perfectly fine with it. I thought it would be a shame for him to have to take it off just to make me feel better. My heart was telling me that he needed to be embraced completely while in this mode. He needed to be accepted and loved. It was no different than the trans persons that had come in through the night. It was someone that needed loving touch, while in their alternate persona. And that's what I gave him. I opened my heart and gave him love. His energy was so warm and gentle. Hers was caring and loving for him.

After about 20 - 25 minutes, me and my helper were both finished. We helped the couple up and helped them get re-dressed. Both of them had huge smiles on their faces.

When done with the session, I went to the statue and gave it all the icky stuff that I had pulled from his belly. More energy to be used later.

I thanked the Goddess for allowing me to experience such a moment.

They told me later that it had been more than what they had imagined. All through the night if they saw me taking a break out in the hall, they would stop me and say how much they had appreciated the experience.

No triggers for me. I was actually able to channel pretty well and got some messages from the Goddess. I'm still processing those.

It was a beautiful, loving experience.

--- dawn

getting it

2009-02-25T13:28:00.002-05:00

Recently, we were at an event in Washington, DC, and someone requested we do a "scene". Now, a scene can range from anywhere to highly sexual to BDSM exploration to other kinds of intimate interaction.

This person, whom we'll call A, was a little vague on what she wanted. She had seen us present two classes, one on Sacred Sexuality, another an introduction to BDSM, so we were not sure which way she wanted to approach this. As we started to negotiate (very important, creating a clear understanding of what we were all looking for and what limits we wanted in place), it simply wasn't becoming clear.

Sometimes the heart knows it has a need, but we can have difficulty expressing it, either from a lack of being taught it was ok to ask, from being uncertain/fearing rejection, or simply not having the language.

What she needed was intimacy. Being connected. Being touched. Being valued. Being accepted as a member of the human family, cherished by each other.

We ended up settling on a scene that was based on simple touch. Stroking, carressing, connecting touch. It was intimate, mildly erotic, and a wonderful opprotunity for her to practice receiving and for us to practice giving.

My Path As Qadishti

2009-02-22T23:37:00.006-05:00

I tried very hard not to be a Qadishtu. I wanted to walk away from anything having to do with Sacred Sexuality, and hoped to never encounter the phrase again. I dropped off all of the e-mail groups, avoided all of the livejournal posts, and even unfriended people I knew who’d been involved. See, I’d been too close. I knew too much. I found myself in the same place I’d gotten to when I faced the crossroads of Christianity and Paganism – if the reality of Christianity couldn’t match the hype, and the people couldn’t really LIVE their beliefs on a day-to-day basis, what was the point? I wanted something real – something life changing, something that would make a difference in a person’s life and bring hope and joy and celebration to their every day experience, not just once a week on Sunday. If the reality I’d seen being that close to the inner-workings of the “Modern Qadishti Movement” was all there was, I didn’t want to have anything to do with it.

But one day I received a phone call from a fellow priestess who was troubled by my disappearance. Several tearful hours later I had to agree with her basic assessment – that being Qadishtu was more than someone’s “movement”, or a religious path. Being Qadishtu was an essential part of who I was, and I could walk away from the trappings, but not the calling.

I remembered how, as a high school student, I would intentionally make eye contact with teachers as they lectured, so they’d know at least someone was paying attention. Or how I would leave notes on co-workers cars, just to brighten their day (particularly if I knew they were having a rough time). I remembered the day I was waiting for a bus, and a construction worker passed by where I was waiting, and I smiled at him. A few minutes later he walked back the other way, and I smiled again. He stopped in front of me, smiled back and said, “You have such an incredible smile. Thank you!” and then went on down the road. Those little moments of connection, those times of reaching out to bring joy, or comfort, or a little touch of deity…those moments are as essential to my soul as breathing is to my body. I’ve spent my whole life dedicated to sharing love with people – connecting and soothing and chasing away the loneliness and isolation this modern world imposes so often on the people around us. I know that loneliness and isolation, and I can’t help but feel it in the people around me. And when I feel it, I have to reach out and try to do something about it. It’s just part of who I am, which is all tied up in how I love, and how I relate to the people closest to me as well as those who pass through my life briefly.

Still it was hard to risk staying involved. I knew too many people, there were too many expectations, and I had too much knowledge in my head of the reality that so starkly contrasted the “public image” of what I had been involved with before. I was very tentative with my involvement. But I saw something happening that I felt strongly drawn to be a part of, and so I volunteered to help with a “Red Tent” being offered at an event I was attending.

The transformation I experienced that night was overwhelming, and it took me a while to assimilate what I’d learned. I only worked with two seekers, but the peace and “rightness” and sense that this is what I was meant to do, and this is who I was meant to be, washed over me in a wave of heat and love and power. I received so much more than I gave that night, because I knew deep into the depths of my soul, in a way I’d never experienced before, that I’d been touched and affirmed by deity. My service was accepted, and what I was doing was “right” (even if I’m never quite sure of what I’m doing). I had a sense of “coming home” to what I was, when I hadn’t even realized I’d lost myself. From that moment, I’ve known I need to stay connected to this work and the people who are doing it. And I want to learn more – I want to get past the sense of “guessing my way through things” and be able to know when the power if flowing, and to “see” better what needs to be done. All of which means risking being open to what the gods choose to show me (and that isn’t always comfortable or easy).

For now, I hold on to the concept I encountered in a fiction book written by Spider Robinson. In his book Lady Slings The Booze, the main character Joe has been taking a tour of Lady Sally's bordello, which is designed for "equal opportunity enjoyment" (from the back cover). One of the "artists" who work there is explaining the ropes to him after he's been awed by how the operation works:

"...Really, to work here there's only one thing you have to learn."
Just one?" I said dubiously.
"Well, yeah. But I admit it's a little tough to really learn how."
"Okay, I'm ready."
"Pay attention," she said.
I waited to be sure that was it, and said "That's it?"
"That's it. Pay attention. You're being paid money; pay back attention. Real close attention. Everything else happens naturally."

That to me is the key component of being Qadishti – Paying Attention. Whether it’s the woman you see on the bus clutching her purse a little too tightly and surreptitiously wiping a tear from her cheek, or someone who asks you for relationship advice, or a client who’s come to a temple to experience sacred touch…Pay Attention. Listen. Watch. FEEL. And then reach out in love, and experience miracles.

Qadishti Eyes

2009-02-21T22:05:00.003-05:00

“Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.” Bill Cosby

I usually try to watch where I am walking (yes, Grace is a nickname) but as I stand at an elevator waiting for the crowds to part, I begin to notice that I was the only person in site wearing a skirt, camisole and jacket in earth tones. To my left were suits in gray, black and navy. To my right were suits in navy, black and gray. I steal a quick glance over my shoulder and see a whole sea of blacks, navies and grays. I turn completely around and begin squinting my eyes, as if I am looking for someone, and as I squint, the sea of black, navy and gray blur into a vastness of muted dark with only miniscule specks of a lighter flesh color for faces.

Ughh! I need to see sunlight and the cerulean blue sky. Quickly.

The elevator dings its arrival and I turn and wait until the passengers exit before entering the cube myself. A smooth ride to the lobby and I am able to escape out the side door. Soon I am squinting for another reason even as I smile into the sunshine.

I share my smile with the other people around me. Another cluster of business suits all still pushing buttons on their blackberries, or gazing off into the parking lot with blank stares. A fascinating study of humans and how they can so disassociate with the living around them. I admit that it is easier to exclude yourself from intimacy especially when in public. But this is opposite to all the teachings that I learn in walking the Path of the Qadishti. As a Qadishti, I seek to make a connection with the stranger next to me just as much as I make a connection with any seeker.

My eyes drift shut as I think about how important my eyes are to my work. My eyes are the first link to seeing inside someone’s soul. My eyes are the windows to my heart, just as your eyes are the windows to your heart.

Previously on this very Blog, some of my colleagues have talked about the importance of eyes. We try to elucidate the significance of opening our eyes to truly see who is in front of us every waking moment. It is a labor of our love for this path in helping others open themselves as humans, as individuals, and as sexual beings. Our job is to help our seekers connect all the parts. This connection is our Qadishti labor of love.

Scarlet Sanctuary

2009-02-16T08:09:00.002-05:00

During a recent alternative lifestyle event, I was priviledged to spend my Saturday evening serving others in the Scarlet Sanctuary hosted by the Path of the Qadishti group. On a few other occaisions I have done some one on one Qadishtu work within a BDSM setting. It is interesting how well the two work together. Although the energy is a little different with the activities going on around me, it doesn't seem to detract too much from the benefits received. For this round of the Scarlet Sanctuary, we had our own room and so the energy was not quite as chaotic as it has been in the past where we shared space with other dungeon activities.

I had several moments that were unique and special for me personally - but there was one particular thing that stood out to me.

Prior to this event, I have not had the opportunity to take a turn at the door welcoming seekers to the sanctuary - but this time I was blessed to be able to offer some help there. After I got through the routine questions, I would take a breath to center myself, blessed their foreheads with a symbol that taps into my inner Qadishtu (the snake), look them deeply and directly into the eyes and said "Welcome, you are loved." It was neat to have an opportunity to welcome seekers, but that isn't what stood out to me...what stood out was watching the reaction in their eyes at the simple statement - "welcome, you are loved." They would widen a bit in surprise, then soften with pleasure. No one looked away, they all met my gaze and acknowledged my greeting. In that moment I was fully connected with them. I can still see many of their faces and in particular the eyes and feel blessed with their presence.

I think the eyes have the theme for me this event - as it leads to my other strongest memory of the weekend which was simply seeing the look of bliss, relaxation and gratitude on the faces of those with whom I was priviledged to work on. I tried to be sure I was right there when their eyes opened, looking at them with the love I feel in my heart and doing my best to continue communicating that to them even after the session was over. One in particular deeply touched me - I can't even begin to describe the look that was in her (his - he was a cross dresser) eyes. She sought me out later to thank me again and to tell me that she would never forget my face - well, I have to say, I will never forget hers either.

And like I'm sure all of you experienced, getting random hugs throughout the remainder of the evening along with thanks you, reminded me that the experience stayed with our seekers long after their session was over.

There were several comments from the people waiting for their turn about how wonderful just sitting in the room felt. The peaceful and loving energy was palpable and it was generated by all of us who came together with a mutual purpose. Very cool stuff.

It was a pleasure to serve alongside my fellow Qadishti, and to feel the energetic presence of those of you who could not be with us in person.

In abundant love,
Karen

Qadishtu Lovin' on Freya's Day

2009-02-13T09:11:00.002-05:00

Friday the 13th of February, 2009 – This is Freya’s sacred day of love and sexuality. I think it’s so magical that we have a Friday the 13th just before Valentine’s Day this year. On this sacred day, I celebrate my relationship with a Qadishtu ritual. Sometimes, Qadishti need some Qadishtu lovin’, too, and so I will be Qadishtu for my beloved, my Qadishtu partner and mentor, as he will be for me.

I am his Priestess. I welcome him into my sacred chamber and smudge him with the pungent, sensuous smoke of Sandalwood incense. I waft the smoke around his head, down the front of his body, across his arms, and then up the back of his body. As I finish, he turns back around and takes the incense from me, and smudges me in the same way. He is my Priest. The smoke purifies the space, cleanses our auras, and carries our prayers to the Divine.

I serve him tea from a clear teapot in which we can watch the blossoming of a flower tea ball, blessing us with its beauty and scent. We sip quietly, savoring the taste and warmth of the tea, and gaze into one another’s eyes, allowing our energies to gradually entwine and our bodily rhythms to match. We appreciate each other and convey our love to one another through this eye-gazing exercise.

As if on cue, we both set down our cups and stand. Still maintaining intimate eye contact, we slowly strip for one another, gradually revealing ourselves to the other, on multiple levels simultaneously. Our clothes fall to the ground in a roughly circular pattern, of their own accord creating our sacred circle. We then call the quarters:

I am his Goddess.

“With my breath,” I start, stepping into the circle of his arms and putting my mouth to his. I continue, “I bring you Air.” We begin the circular Breath of Fire, slowly increasing our speed, until our bodies begin to hum.

He is my God.

“With my passion,” he says, stepping in closer and gripping my hair at the base of my neck in just the way he knows that I like. “I bring you Fire,” he continues, and then plunges his tongue into my mouth, and I revel in the feel of our tongues dancing.

We are the Sacred Pair.

“With my juices,” I purr, staring deep into his eyes. I reach between my legs and coat my fingers, and finish: “I bring you Water.” I bring my moistened fingers up to his mouth and gently trace his lips. His tongue darts out to lap at my fingertips.

We are Divine.

“With my wood,” he growls, reaching down and gripping his fully erect lingam. He backs me into the edge of the bed, until I sit and then lay back, lifting and separating my legs in invitation. “I bring you Earth!” And I cry out as he enters me to the hilt in one smooth motion.

We are One.

We dance the intimate, sacred dance of the Goddess, reveling in the feel of each other’s skin, delighting in the sounds of joy and pleasure escaping each other’s throats, and pouring all of our love into this moment, wringing all the pleasure we possibly can from this sacred Gift. At the peak of my orgasm, I send a silent prayer to Freya, thanking her for bringing this man into my life, who has healed me, mentored me, partnered with me, loved me. It is through his love that I have blossomed into the Qadishtu priestess that I am, and I dedicate this to him.

Happy Valentine’s Day / Freya’s Day / Lovers’ Day. Happy Relationships Day – regardless of your partner status – this is a holiday to celebrate ALL your intimate relationships – including with yourself and with the Divine. May all the Goddess’ gifts of joy and pleasure and bliss be yours in abundance.

Lovingly,
Inara

50 people

2009-02-11T00:29:00.002-05:00

Over this past weekend, a group of us ran a Scarlet Sanctuary at an event in Ohio. During the 6 hour period we ran, we administered sacred touch to 50 people.

To say we were tired after it was over is an understatement.

It was really something to see so many people come through, with such interest, and need.

One person wept while another had an energetic orgasm. And we, as facilitators, did not 'cause' either of this reactions, but instead simply...assisted people to become vulnerable to sexuality, to intimacy, to whatever it is they needed to be.

I recall having one woman I was working on go from nervous, to relaxed, to meditative, and then to energized and erotically awake. It was an amazing transformation for her, and for me, to be part of that journey.

Educating others about the Qadishti Path

2009-02-07T21:45:00.019-05:00

Today is my scheduled turn to post. Instead of another true-life tale, I'd like to make a statement of purpose. We now have 13 blog contributors this Winter and a goal of averaging two sharings per week. I strongly believe The Qadishtu Experience is an important tool to educate others about What we do and Why we do this exciting and important work.

Some of us are at Winter Wickedness in Ohio as I write these words, doing Sacred Touch with Seekers in a carefully designed Scarlet Sanctuary environment. Other Qadishti are emotionally and sexually supporting a wide variety of Clients in diverse ways elsewhere. A select few are being compensated and most are exchanging energy for personal reasons and the appreciation of those we serve.

Regardless of Why we are drawn to this Path, the "What" is fascinating. We have many amazing stories to tell. Our challenges, triumphs, failures and specific How-To information is essential to understanding the modern Qadishtu movement. While I think the readership would benefit from a well done historically-oriented post, this blog is mostly concerned with 21st century practices.

Previously, I had sponsored a series of posts about a female Client's experience from her point-of-view. It was excellent, but Miss ~X~ requested that I delete her writing last week because the information could violate her privacy. Nothing is more important than Client confidentiality. However, this material was so powerful that I will try to do this again in the future.

Another aspiration of mine is to have a new Terra Incognita Qadishtu Priestess talk about her apprenticeship and training program here. I've had several sincere enquiries about this process recently and our lovely Honey Priestess's first-hand accounts should be extremely helpful to others.

Please feel free to comment and promote The Qadishtu Experience to other people in the Sacred Sexuality community. We need your active participation to let folks know what we are doing to expand this loving dialectic to those who need our services.

David

Welcome to a New Beginning!

2009-01-31T21:36:00.012-05:00

I am a Lady, an African American, a Witch, A Qadishtu Priestess and I am proud to be an American. My faith in this great country was restored when millions of Americans voted for our President-Elect. He represents new hope, new light, new experiences, and a new beginning. I truly feel that a breath of fresh air radiated down upon us all on January 20, 2009. Shortly after the November Election, I booked my airline tickets. I didn't know what I was going to do and I already had a place to stay so I was set to experience this Historic event up close and personal.

I started to read about the inaugural events and made up my mind to try to see and take pictures of everything that I could. The excitement of the occasion began to color my every word and step. I have always exhibited my pride, my confidence and my love for the craft/path. Now I will get the chance to show each of these attributes amongst others who would understand. I was told that I was invited to a selection of events and immediately became emotional and excited beyond words. Oh and then my father said a phrase that would set my mood above the moon... Get that Ball Gown ready! Oh joy!!!

The days leading up to my trip I would tell a few people about me leaving and they would look at me with such awe and admitted jealously. I loved that fact that so many people wanted to be there and wished me well. I contemplated the huge significance of those who wanted to be there and those who would actually come. It was estimated over a million would attend the events. Wow, they didn't know the half of it.

I flew up to D.C on Friday. There were a few folks on the plan who were there for the inauguration as well. I am also one who never meets a stranger so of course I talked to a few folks on the plane and they were just excited as I was. When I arrived, I hugged my father and all the way to the house we talked about the significance of our incoming President. He was a child of the 60s and was in Memphis the day that a King was shot. He was inspired to have such a strong man running for Presidency that he for the first time during the election worked the polls and volunteer alot of his time to see his candidate win.

I must also tell you that I am an eclectic soul. I can feel at ease anywhere I go. I attend church services of many different faiths upon occasion. I always visit my father's church because it is steeped in Southern black tradition with a very modern edge of plain speak. The church was established by Freed Slaves back in the early 1800's. I have always been impressed with their energy and on this Sunday the annual tribute to MLK commenced. I was filled with hope and tears watching as the comparisons between the President who freed the slaves, MLK and our President was struck. I watched the youth act out and describe what my forefathers had to endure to be recognized as citizens and to be able to vote. I heard the words of MLK and our future President side by side stirring my emotions. I sang the Negro National Anthem with pride and thought about the many folks who attended the free concert on the Mall in front of the President L. On this day, I recommitted to volunteer and select ways of volunteering that honored my path as well as gave back to my local community. On Monday, I had an opportunity to go to a cleansing/blessing ritual which was held by three local spiritual progressives. They cleanse and charged a crystal that resembled Washington Monument and drummed to send any negativity away from D.C. and bring a healthy spiritual energy to welcome the new President. I didn't get the chance to view this but I felt the energy. I worked and volunteered at three agencies and then went to the Metro to pick up my ticket. I found out the next day that it was a very smart thing to do!!!

I got up early and got ready. We went down to the Metro station and it was packed with people. As we drove up people were walking from miles around to get to ride the Metro. We had a friend drop us off and we walked up past a few folks to ask the officer where do we go. He told us to go right here. He point to the line and we did just that. We walked up admittedly in front of a bunch of people and no one said a word. We got on the metro rail and the journey began. No one fussed about us being able to walk right almost the head of the line and everyone was actually cheering and excited to get on the train. Once on the train we had to stand up for one hour and 30 minutes. From where we picked up the rail, it would have normally taken less than 20 mins. There was alot of announcements about street closures and everyone knew that the Smithsonian exit would be closed but they kept saying it. It was due to security. Some folks got a bit frustrated and got off to walk blocks to the inauguration. Some on my train had tickets to the infamous Purple and Blue Gates. I didn't have a ticket. I was planning on getting downtown and watching it on the big jumbotron somewhere. Everyone was in such good spirits. Folks were chanting Fired up! and his name. Everyone one was smiling and of course the only disappointment I saw was when we would come up to a stop and there was no room to get on our "car". That made me feel a bit bad but happy that I wasn't on the outside. Yes it was cold out there but it was a hot box with all of those folks crowded on the seats, down the aisle and near the doors. We finally made it to the Metro Court stop and got off toward Pennsylvania Ave.

There were so many folks on the street and vending and profiting off such a historic moment. I stopped to buy a few trinkets and kept going forward to the hotel. Every one's face was full of promise, tears and just excitement. Everywhere I went, you can tell this was a special time for everyone in the world. I met people from different countries and those who travelled all across the U.S. to be here just like me. Once at the hotel, we had to get checked off the list and receive our armbands that would let us into the events for the rest of the day. We decided to go to the room because the moment was almost about to happen. We watch the actual moment on TV.

As a former political scientist and constitutional law lover, I was extremely disappointed in the chief justice mistake. He must remember to use a crib sheet from this point on!! My dad laughed at me later because he said you were right that it was the chief justice who got it wrong. I also told him that no matter what the 20th amendment says that he is President at 12noon. I immensely impressed by the co-founder of the SLC who gave the benediction. It was great to remember the Negro National Anthem and to have someone make us laugh! He was the best!

After the official swearing in, we went to lunch in the viewing room of the hotel. It was an amazing view full of people that I knew, some celebrities, news media and the such. The food was delicious with open bar (nice!). At one point, I believe when the bush left everyone started taking pictures of his helicopter. Funny note: I got a joke in a text that said don't forget to shave your bush on January 20th because it's the end of the bush era. lol.
Anyway, everyone wave to say goodbye and some of the phrases were not so nice. I heard the some boo'd the soon to be former President when he walked out during the Inauguration. Sigh...well that mood didn't last long before the cheering, laughter and the celebration resumed.

We got ready to put our coats back on to go down and watch the parade. I heard that it was being delayed and everyone knows that reason now. We got to see the new president walk down the street with his wife. What a strong confident couple. I was again brought to tears at the significance of the moment. I was proud that he was our President even regardless of race or creed. Here was someone who grew up with a Bohemian mother, grandparents and a Nigerian father. He is America and resembles us all. Many have said not to treat him as a Messiah and I am glad. He is not a Messiah but he is one who has motivated many to change our History.

I celebrated with over 1,000 folks at the ball that night. No it wasn't one of the chosen balls attending by the President. Nonetheless, I had immeasurable fun dancing, glamming it up and basking in a new promise for our country! I never thought I would experience such a historic event as this. I am very grateful and hope that this feeling last for a very long time. We danced until the music stopped playing and went up to bed. I woke up to read every news paper I could get my hands on and relived every moment of the day and night like most of you did: replays on TV!! I left a few days afterward. I saw many people of all walks of life with Presidential paraphernalia on. I saw pride and excitement on every one's face. I saw many people talking and communicating like never before. What a good time to be alive! What a great time to experience something new and refreshing. What a time to be happy about our future even though it will take hard work for everyone, we believe it could happen now.

Final Note: A young America elects first African American president. A nation that moves forward while looking back at our struggles was a theme for so many after the election through to the inauguration. There are so many names mentioned in that struggle for equality as each of us struggle for religious equality and acceptance. I view the moments of that struggle as we advance history to elect this president as a close parallel to our steps to keep freedom of religion and other rights that we in an alternative walk hold near and dear. I am proud to be able to walk my path of the Qadishtu even though who and what we are not always accepted within our society. The struggle for equality in for many have always been a fact of life but with this election the barrier the separate us grows thinner....and thank the Gods for this new hope, this new light, this new experience and this wonderful new beginning.

Namaste',
Gryn

My year with genital herpes

2009-01-27T09:51:00.001-05:00

I went to the post office like any other day. It was a little startling to see an envelope addressed to me in my own handwriting until I remembered going to the doctor a few weeks before. I had gone to my first visit to a new doctor, and they had taken blood and urine samples for testing. I had been given an envelope to address for mailing my results to me. I had no expectation of anything negative showing up.

Of course, as you can tell from the title of the post, the envelope held bad news. I was positive for both type one and type two herpes. I had never had any symptoms. As I waited for my husband to come home, I started researching the disease over the internet, trying to understand what had happened.

I verified that it was possible for me to have the disease and yet no symptoms. Not only that but it’s very common so the person who infected me might have had no symptoms either. According to several sources, about 50 to 80 percent of American adults have type one herpes, which is usually oral. It is often transmitted in childhood in nonsexual contact with an adult. One in five people have HSV-2, which usually presents in the genitals. My chances as a sexually active woman are even higher (one in four) than if I had a penis. It is sexually transmitted.

I began the humiliating process of calling my lovers to tell them the news and suggest that they get tested. I was actively involved with the two of the people on that list, and they both agreed to get tested right away. The third person I had had sex with was no longer a part of my life, but the number I had for him still worked. He said he would not be able to do so right away but would get to it in a few months.

I went back to the doctor to discuss my diagnosis. She explained much of what my research had told me. She told me that, since I had no symptoms and assuming my husband would test positive, there wasn’t anything I needed to do. I disagreed. I asked to be put on Valtrex, which would lessen my chances of passing the disease on to anyone else. After three years of unprotected sex with my husband, we began using condoms.

My insurance would not cover a second test. I asked what type of test they had given me, but neither the doctor nor the technician could tell me beyond that it was a test for IgG antibodies. As opposed to earlier, less reliable tests for IgM antibodies. I had hoped to take a different test, but I do not know if the second test was the same as the first. It was cheaper to use an online service than my doctor’s office. The second test was the ELISA test.

My husband and lover both tested negative for HSV-2. My results for the second test were the same as the first. I called my ex-boyfriend and encouraged him to get tested, going as far to tell him that since both of my other lovers tested negative, it meant he most likely was not. He felt that, since he was in a monogamous relationship, it was not urgent that he get tested. My husband and lover were tested again about six months after their first tests with the same results.

What followed was a pretty stressful time. My husband hating using condoms, and my lover and I agreed not to have intercourse. I scrutinized every sensation related to my vulva. Was that sensation the elastic of my underwear or something under my skin that I couldn’t see, crawling up my nerves, shedding infectious skin cells on people I loved? I couldn’t see any sores. I was healthy on the surface, but something in my blood made that a lie.

I even felt guilty for being so distressed. It’s not like I had cancer or anything else that threatened my life or even hindered it except for the blue pill I took every night. I bet someone in constant pain or difficulty breathing would trade me diagnoses in a second.

I kept telling myself that I was the same person I was before the test results, but I didn’t feel the same.

Then several months later, I got a call from my ex-boyfriend. He had tested negative. I was glad that he wasn’t infected but I was very confused. All the people I had ever had sex with were negative for this sexually transmitted disease. It didn’t make sense.

I called the national hotline for herpes. The woman on the phone told me that the situation I described was impossible. Someone must have gotten tested for IgM anti-bodies instead of IgG. She implied that someone was lying to me. When I asked if I could have been infected at birth, she scornfully told me, “You would know if that happened.”

I got off the phone hurt and distressed. I simply didn’t believe that any of the men I had trusted with my body would lie to me. I confirmed with each about the type of anti-bodies tested. I began to research more on-line. Eventually, I found an article about the Western blot test used as confirmatory test in cases of women with a low positive HSV-2 score on ELISA tests. In this research project, 30% of women with a low positive result with ELISA were found to be negative by Western Blot. I had to research even more to learn what exactly a “low positive” was and to check the results from over six months earlier to see that I did qualify.

Having been frustrated by my general practice doctor not understanding why I would want to use Valtrex, I talked to my gynecologist about getting the Western Blot. It is only performed at the University of Washington, but it is considered the gold standard of herpes testing. My doctor knew of the test as a confirmatory tool, but she wasn’t sure how to order it. I printed out the information off of the University of Washington website and faxed it to her.

This is getting long, so I won’t go too far into the comedy of errors that was trying to get my blood to Seattle. UW wouldn’t pay, even though I was paying the full cost of the test out of my pocket or allow me to reimburse them for shipping the package. My doctor wouldn’t either. Only some Fed Ex locations ship biological material and even after calling first the second time, I managed to visit two places that did not. The high point found me in tears in my office at work announcing to my supervisor that that there was a box with a vial of my blood in the crisper of the refrigerator of our break room.

Two blood draws and a few hundred dollars later, three human scientists independently verified that I was negative for HSV-2. I am very relieved and angry at the barriers I had faced to get to that point. I believed for almost exactly a year that I had genital herpes. I found new ways to be sexual in that time. I dealt with the feeling of being “damaged goods.” I had to tell old lovers and new ones that I was a risk to their health. I had to decide whether I was willing to take the chance of infecting someone I cared about with an incurable disease every time I approached intimacy with another person. I looked down the long road of an entire lifetime of doing all of this. I learned to celebrate and enjoy my sexuality despite it all. All of that will make me a better priestess when someone else who is diagnosed with this very common disease comes to me for comfort and understanding.

Qadishti Daily living

2009-01-24T07:02:00.002-05:00

I was at work and she was outside on break. She was clearly upset and pre-occupied in her head with no awareness to anything around her. As i stood there I listened to the creek and watched the squirrels play, climbing up and down the trees. I look over to her a moment and she is still in her same pose.

I say to her, "Its so nice to have such beautiful scenery here at work for us to escape to from time to time during our work day" And i brought her focus to the babbling of the creek, the sound of the birds chirping/singing in the trees, the squirrels running and playing up and down the trees and then i said..."i just watch, listen, take a deep breath and just sink into all the wonder around me right now" I then inhaled deeply and exhaled and said "Ahh..."wonder".....its a beautiful thing and just melts the stress away"

I then turned around to walk back into the building and unknown to me, when i was inhaling and exhaling, she was doing it along with me. She stopped me before i entered the building and just simply said "Thank you." I smiled a gentle smile, put my hand out and shook her hand and introduced myself, she introduced her self and i held onto her hand for just a moment more, continued to smile a gentle smile and said, "Your welcome"

I walked back to my desk thinking what a wonderful moment that was and how i have had many of these types of moments in the last 5 years and then i realized thats it's Qadishti daily living. That even if i am not mentoring someone or even if we are not having a sacred touch ceremony that being a Qadishtu touches every part of my life, therefore touching others on a daily basis.

Namaste'
Amber

Qadishti moment

2009-01-13T16:15:00.001-05:00

Sometimes we have people that come to us for Qadishti work, and sometimes we have ‘Qadishti moments’. Moments where we become Qadishti with the person we are with, though that wasn’t the intention to begin with.

These ‘moments’ seem to happen to me when I’m with someone new. My walls drop and I become vulnerable, soft, loving. I embrace the Divine within me and share that with the person I’m with.

One person that comes to mine is R. My husband and I decided that we wanted to find a guy for me to play with. We do odd things like this sometimes, so that we can attempt to grow into the people we want to be. Well, R came to the house and Dan let him know the rules and boundaries that we wanted to stick to. R was ok with them all.

I know he had to be nervous. He was an overweight guy and said that he was too shy to try and find dates the normal way, so he decided to answer our ad. I could feel my heart swelling. I wanted this to be an experience that he wouldn’t forget. I wanted him to feel loved and cherished.

Dan left the room but wasn’t far away. I held R’s hands and looked him in the eye. I cherished him with my look and my energy. Then, I kissed him. I fell into the kiss and blocked everything else out. It was about him and me. Once he started breathing heavy, I leaned back and slowly started to strip. I looked him in the eye, whenever he glanced up at my face. He saw that I was turned on by stripping for him. He allowed himself to reach out to touch me and felt me melt under his hand.

He moaned and pulled me toward him, kissing me more. Slowly, I undressed him. I touched him and moaned into his lips.

Soft, gentle, loving. He was lapping up everything I gave him. He was starved for loving touch.

He knew that intercourse wasn’t going to be part of the ‘scene’, but he was ok with that. I lovingly made love to his cock with my lips. He was flying high when I was done.

I felt like I was glowing with light and love for this person and he could see it and feel it.

When it was time for him to leave, he was shaking my husbands hand and giving him heartfelt thanks. All of us were smiling and hugging.

As it turned out, I was not to see R again in this capacity. He wrote my husband and I and said that he was afraid that he was falling in love with me, and that wasn’t the route he wanted to take with his life.

It was a couple of weeks later when we saw him again at a local dance for large men and women. He came up to us and thanked us. Being with me had brought him out of his shell enough for him to come out and try the dance. He was having a great time. I couldn’t ask for anything more from a Qadishti moment.

Mom or Qadishti?

2009-01-12T00:36:00.002-05:00

Qadishtu is something that I do for others to help them with their lives, to help them with their pain, to help them with their self-image, and to help them with their sexuality. I help seekers: any kind and all kinds of seekers. I help individuals and couples and groups who come to me, or to my co-priest(ess) and myself, wanting help. I help acquaintances or friends or strangers. Sometimes I help dear friends and loved ones.

But something changed the other night. That night I was wearing my ‘Mom’ hat. I was helping my kids with homework and fixing dinner – doing the normal home/Mom stuff. Things were going smoothly all night long. About 10:PM my son says goodnight and heads up for bed. I was sitting at my computer enjoying the unusual quiet and getting some work done.

I hear a whimper and my head jerks up and around. My daughter was standing in the doorway. It was clear that she had cried as her was face wet from tears. I noticed that she was trembling. So I practically dropped my laptop down to the ground and asked her what was wrong.

She moved much faster than I thought possible. She fell into my lap and curled into me as she broke out in full sobs. Since I had been in Mom mode, I continued to quiz her. I asked, ‘what happened?’ I asked, ‘had she heard a strange noise?’ I asked, ‘ had she seen something strange on the computer’? Each question she answered with a shrug. Since I had no idea what she had been doing before she came rushing into see me, I had no idea what direction my questions should follow.

I remember feeling so helpless: I mean what kind of Mom was I when I was unable to get the to speak to anything? I was unable to comfort her. At that point, I just rocked her while I racked my thoughts as to what had possibly caused this melt down.

Then I realized that I had been slowly stroking her from her shoulder, down her arm and across her hip and leg until I was no longer able to reach. It dawned on me that when I reached the end of her leg; my hand would automatically brush off the negativity.

‘Duh!’ I had to remind myself that while I am Mom first, I was also a priestess of Qadishtu. At this point all I needed to change was the ‘hat’ that I wore from the ‘Mom hat’ to my ‘Qadishtu hat’. I realized that my hands and my soul had been telling me what my mind had not heard: different tools were needed. It struck me that my ‘Mom hat’ was getting in the way of my helping my daughter.

So I then took several deep, cleansing breathes. I re-focused my mind. I opened my soul and began pulling out the pain. The wailing strengthened. I hesitated and pulled back. She calmed down a bit. I started pulling pain again and the wailing worsened again. Again I hesitated. Again she calmed. I decided then to just push on again and so I did. After another 10 minutes of wailing her breathing had begun to fluctuate. I continued to pull out the pain. After 20 minutes, she started to blow her nose quietly, but she was still curled in my lap. It became time to heal. I began to push in warmth.

After some time, she sat up and pushed off my lap. I waited to see what she would do next. I watched as she gave herself a whole body shake and rolled her neck as if to shake out the rest of the hurt.

I sat and studied her. I was tempted to say or ask something. Anything. But I let her be alone in her head and pull herself together. It was probably only 5 minutes even though it felt longer in Mom years. Suddenly she turned and began to walk into the other room without saying a word. Startled, I asked, “So can you tell me what just happened?” She said she ‘just needed me.’ With that she just turned and left the room.

Sometimes it is easier to be a Qadishti priestess than a Mom.

Receiving

2009-01-05T12:31:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, my wife and I were joined by our Path of the Qadishti peers to share some teachings on sacred touch as a connection tool to each other.

Sometimes I lead these, but yesterday I was struck by the need to be person receiving.

It is amazing what we accomplish by working together. Our group yesterday created sacred space, a magical space, that allowed each of us to receive or give as needed. I needed to receive, and that need was met.

All without ego, without hierarchy. Although there are styles and teaching, the true depth of this comes from within. Allowing yourself to breath out, relax, drop your shields and receive. Breath out, relax, and allow yourself to give.

Michael Mirdad mentions "The sexual healing process involves learning the difference between healthy (spiritually-centered) and unhealthy (ego-centered) sexual encounters"(1) and this was very apparent and felt yesterday in our small space. We were a group of people who were acting as one to heal all; acting as all to share in the one.

1 - Sacred Sexuality--A Manual for Living Bliss by: Michael Mirdad)

2009-01-02T11:15:00.004-05:00

As we enter into the New Year, one of the resolutions I'm currently thinking about is "How can I continue to grow and learn on this amazing path of the Qadishti? How can I best continue to serve others and nourish myself in the process?"

I don't have answers yet. I am watchful, paying attention, I don't want to miss a sign. And then again, if I spend my time being watchful, waiting for signs, what opportunities might I be missing due to not just simply taking action?

So this morning, I am reminding myself to continue to make an effort to focus on people when I meet them. Not just the cursory glance, but to give them unconditional love with no strings attached. Look them directly and sincerely in the eye. I don't know their stories, but for the moment that we are interacting, I am a part of their story and they are a part of mine. I may learn something from it, I may not...but what is truly lost from the effort? Can there really be any "downside" to acknowledging another human being?

This morning I am reminding myself to continue giving the loved ones already in my life the unconditional love that THEY deserve. To tell them how important they are to me. How cherished.

This morning I am reminding myself to continue treating MYSELF with the unconditional love that I deserve. If I am not at peace with myself, all of the above is useless. Of no worth.

Many wishes to my fellow Qadishtu for a 2009 that is beautiful, loving and filled with opportunities for growth - both our own, and others.

Where it all began

2008-12-27T23:13:00.002-05:00

The Qadishtu Path began for Amanda and I with Martine over twelve years ago.

Amanda went to our nearby Lake Michigan beach every morning to watch the sun come up at dawn and journal before going to work. One day a lovely 20-year-old redhead was there, naked inside her loosely wrapped blue terrycloth bathrobe. They made small talk together that summer day and after many similar morning meetings became friends.

Martine confided that she was a virgin in a strange relationship with her live-in boyfriend J. He had an aversion to touch ... no kissing and no "normal" sex was possible. J only liked bondage, whether it be with him bound, or Martine immobilized. He was in therapy to deal with a variety of psychosexual problems and she had been OK with their situation because two teenage traumas had induced vaginismus (technically colpismus) ... the fear of being sexually penetrated.

They were completing their undergraduate degrees and lived a block away from us with several other university students in a large apartment. It was a typical college environment where everyone was exploring their sexuality and new adult freedoms. Martine and J had been a couple for two years and she desparately needed to release her pent up sexual feelings with someone experienced who would go slowly and not violate her boyfriend's trust.

Summer turned to autumn and their mornings at the beach ended. One weekend day Martine showed up at our door with a rose for Amanda and I finally met her. My wife had broached the possibility of me being the one to assist her sexual awakening and while Martine really liked the idea, I had strong doubts. She was the same age as our youngest daughter and I was 21 years older. My wife and I had not yet opened up our marriage to outside partners and this was a very radical proposal to me. Another big concern was J and his feelings.

So, we had them both over as a couple to dine with us and discuss how everyone felt. At the end of dinner J came up to me and said he would be eternally grateful if I'd help Martine. He was wracked with guilt about his inadequacy to perform and the pressure was making it worse. In fact, J had become addicted to alcohol trying to obliterate his shame and self-loathing. These two young people really loved each other, but had some serious problems to work out.

I finally agreed to assist Martine with her sexual fears. This was not difficult duty as she was bright, attractive and very fit. Even still, I had not had a partner other than Amanda for the previous 13 years and was slow to initiate our first session. So slow, that one day when Martine was over, she said it was time and then led me into our guest bedroom. Our tryst was very unplanned and spontaneous, which was key to relaxing her PC muscles.

We had talked about what eroticized her. Martine was very turned on by older, professorial men. She also had a spoken foreign language and strong reading fetish. So I read a German novel to her for a while and we began a slowly building eight hour session with lots of foreplay that was not stopped by vaginismus or fear. By the end of our loveplay Martine was no longer a virgin and my Path as a Qadesh had begun.

Postscript: This exchange in late 1996 was the unofficial beginning of Terra Incognita and our attempts to integrate expansive sexuality with spirituality. Martine was present when we began the Symposium discussion group on this topic and went on to be an important part of the Temple after she graduated and studied for a year in Rome. Once M's fear of sex was gone, her appetite was insatiable and I had many memorable explorations of my own sexual boundaries with her (fodder for future posts). Martine became our most financially successful Qadishtu Priestess in her late 20's and eventually left Temple work to get married and raise a family.

Unfortunately, we were unable help her boyfriend J. He sank deeper and deeper into alcoholism and extremely self-abusive BDSM practices. Martine loves him to this day, but after they graduated and toured Europe together his unwillingness to face life and grow as a person, led to their eventual breaking up. I really wish we could have done more to help J, but one reality of Qadishtu work is that not everyone is a good fit for the paradigm.

You win some and you lose some.

David

Karuna Blessing #1 - Connecting to the Inner Feminine

2008-12-19T23:33:00.002-05:00

Anoint the third eye:
May you truly see
The Goddess’ divine beauty
Within yourself
And in everyone you meet

Anoint the left palm:
May you deeply feel
Her divine love

Anoint the right palm:
May you share that love
With others

Anoint the heart area:
May your heart be free
Of all negativity

Anoint the genital area:
May your genitals be honored
As Her divine instruments

© Inara de Luna, 2008

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last spring, the Temple of the Red Lotus offered Karuna Sessions at the festivals we attended. Karuna is a Sanskrit word that roughly translates as “compassion.” These sessions were an opportunity for individuals to receive Sacred Touch in a formal, highly ritualized way from trained, compassionate, Qadishtu priests and priestesses. Each person went through the process individually, and received the full attention of all the Temple staff. When they first approached the entrance to the Temple, they were blessed and anointed (see above). They were then led into the Altar room, where they sat before the Altar and had their feet bathed by one of the priests or priestesses. At that time, boundaries and needs were discussed quietly, and then the seeker was led into the Inner Sanctum, where they were introduced to the other two or three priests or priestesses present. The seeker was invited to lie down on the mattress and then they were surrounded. Urged to relax and receive, the Seeker then enjoyed the ministrations of the priests and priestesses, within their stated boundaries. The Goddess often led us to say certain things and move the energy in certain ways, depending on what each individual seeker needed from Her.

Everyone who experienced this left that tent transformed. One young man told his Guide during the foot bathing that he desired to connect with his feminine side. During his session, I encouraged him to breathe into his internal feminine parts, to truly feel his inner Yoni as well as his outer Lingam. I moved the energy through his sacral chakra, until I felt him begin to loosen up. His breathing deepened, his muscles relaxed, and his receptivity widened broadly. He started being able to accept our ministrations without attempting to reciprocate, as he had been in the beginning. The Goddess spoke through me, honoring both his masculine and his inner feminine. By the end of his 15 minutes in our loving, healing, accepting, compassionate circle, he was smiling. I knew then that something had shifted deep within him, but it wasn’t until I saw him the following evening that I truly understood. This man who had been having trouble accessing and connecting to his inner feminine came prancing up to me in a short skirt and halter top. He practically squealed when he saw me and twirled to show off his new purchase! He said that his session so profoundly awakened his connection to his inner feminine that he just had to play with how it felt to dress like a woman. He was so excited and pleased, and grateful to the Temple and those of us who had helped him reach a place of feeling comfortable experimenting with his gender.

Touched by Love

2008-12-15T21:01:00.004-05:00

I had recently gotten out of a relationship, and was looking for some new playmates. I put an ad on Craigslist Casual Encounters. B. was one of the guys who answered my ad. We agreed to meet for dinner.

B. was in town for a few months to film a movie. He was a bit shy and awkward, a classic "nice guy." He had mentioned before that he was the sort of guy who women always wanted to have as friends, but never as a boyfriend. He came across much more confidently online than he did in person - he was a comedian, and a very funny writer. We spent a pleasant evening talking, though it took some effort to draw him out.

When we finished dinner and were standing outside by the car, I decided to tell him a little bit about my priestess work, and asked him if he'd let me practice on him (I was fairly new to the path and wanting to further hone my skills). He thought it sounded intriguing, and we went to my house.

We went in the bedroom and I lit some candles. I explained that I would channel the goddess for him, and asked him if there was a particular goddess who interested him. He immediately said Aphrodite, because she is the goddess of love. While she is not a goddess I normally work with, I agreed, and allowed her to come into my body. She was lighter, more playful than I expected, sweetly sensual and joyous. Through me, she began to make love to B.

The sex was short, but sweet, and afterward, we lay in each others' arms and chatted. He looked into my eyes and told me that they were beautiful. I said it wasn't me, but Her that he was seeing. I was having a hard time focusing; my eyeballs jittered as if I were drugged. We caressed each other, and kissed and talked some more. He had an early day the next day, so I drove him back to the place he was staying. He kissed me goodnight, and thanked me for a very interesting evening.

A couple of months later, I got an email from him (he had put me on a mailing list announcing his upcoming appearances). He told me he was getting married. It turned out that a couple of weeks after we had seen each other, he was in his hometown, and had met someone. He was clearly smitten with her, and she had moved out to Los Angeles and moved in with him.

It was quite a turnaround from his previous experiences with women as he had described him. I believe that Aphrodite had put Her mark on him, or at least given him confidence to open his eyes and his heart to what the world had to offer him. It wasn't the first time it has happened after I have embodied the goddess for a man, and I'm sure it won't be the last.

Mysticism and male virginity

2008-12-06T18:13:00.003-05:00

Several years ago a young filipino man ("B") came to an impromptu Terra Incognita party after socializing with us at the monthly outdoor Pagan pot luck we co-hosted. As usual, things got a little wild and crazy upstairs in the house and this somewhat shy man took me aside so we could speak privately.

"B" was a nice looking, 24-year-old, who was concerned because he was still a virgin. He was thinking about "sacrificing" his virginity on my altar as an offering to the Temple. I asked him questions and learned that he had a job working with his mother while he went to school. She was a devout Catholic and despite his new interest in Paganism, had hopes he'd eventually join the seminary. "B" was questioning the post collegiate seminary plan and asked my opinion. There was more. Up to this point he'd avoided intimacy with girlfriends because he'd wanted to graduate without distractions. "B" also said as a child he could smell colors and even see spirits, but he stopped doing that long ago, because it was strongly discouraged by his family.

I told him I was not the person to give him advice about whether or not he should go the seminary. His virginity was a different matter. I felt he had three choices. I could physically take him through to orgasm on our altar which would consummate his union with the divine. "B" could find himself a girlfriend that he cared about who would enjoy sharing this moment with him. Or he could just find a random person to take his virginity. The third option is not as complicated as the other two and much preferred by the majority of people David and I come across.

He smiled and said "You should be a marriage counselor."

No, I'm practical and a Qadishtu Priestess.

The other part of "B's" concern had to do with tapping back into his "power." I led him to where he could stand over our Temple "vortex" -- the core of where our energy seems to be strongest. We stood facing each other and he closed his eyes. Mind you, David came in to change the party music and there was activity all around us in other rooms. We were surrounded by noise. I told him to put all the chaos into the "background" and see what happens. He closed his eyes and was GONE. He stood straight up for 25 minutes. I started getting scared. I saw he was experiencing rapid eye movements, he was peaceful, but I wanted him conscious. When he came to he said he felt someone holding him up by his armpits. One of his arms was rising during his trance and he said he felt someone lifting his arm.

Very cool.

Immediately after this mystical experience the young asian man decided to confide in me. The virginity issue had been impeded by fear. "B" showed me his penis which was bent at an extreme angle. He would need corrective surgery to function normally, but I showed him there were still things we could still do. We did them and he quickly felt much better about his sexual fears.

Next day he went on a local Pagan list and thanked me profusely for reconnecting him with his roots. I had very little to do with this. I only facilitated what he had actually decided to do for himself.

Amanda

The Lesson of R

2008-10-29T13:20:00.002-04:00

The below is an account of my personal experience during a local event.

My husband (C) and I decided that one of the things we could do to help contribute to our local event's fundraising efforts was to donate a certificate for the sacred touch/massage deal that we perform. We had one bid...for $100. I guess the person wanted to ensure they got it. We didn't know him and he didn't know us, but for whatever reason it must have been something that appealed to him.

I walked into the dungeon Saturday night after bids had closed and had two people approach me to tell me that the winning bidder was R - this "creepy old guy". One of these ladies had to stop a scene with him the night before because she was getting very uncomfortable with him.

I decided I would wait for C before trying to find him and talk about when to give him his session. I also now had in my mind "creepy old guy" and was apprehensive about it.

R was from our of state and therefore wanted to be able to have the session Saturday night of the event. Thankfully C had thought ahead about that possibility and had put our supplies in his bag. It was graciously suggested that we could use one of the tables in the scarlet sanctuary to work on him, which was a much better location than the medical room which was the only other room with massage tables in it.

We got R on the table and started working. I was very proud of C as this was his first time giving a massage to a male. I noticed that he was equally as attentive as he has been with everyone else we've worked on. He paid attention to the fact that R said his feet give him trouble and so he made sure he paid special attention to them. He didn't cut his time short. It was a very generous donation and he deserved the full time.

I realized shortly into the session that I still had "creepy old guy" in my head. I took moment to take a deep breath, reach deeper for the Shakti goddess energy and transformed my thought to "older gentleman in need of loving touch and attention". My focus switched, my touch became more energetically fueled and I let go of everything else.

R was so very appreciative. (mostly for C's most awesome massage...I think I was truly just an "add on" for him) Later that evening D came in and tapped me on the shoulder and told me that R was looking for me. When I walked out, he handed me a bottle of Michigan syrup that he had made himself and thanked me again for the time. I kissed his cheek and thanked him.

Older gentleman....in need of loving touch and attention. A very valuable lesson learned.

safe

2008-10-25T11:27:00.003-04:00

Last night, at a "munch" (social gathering before an event), I had a seeker, brand new to any 'alternative' experience come sit with me. We talked, and she shared some issues that brought her out tonight - issues with the boyfriend, sexuality, fear of her own lack of interest. We talked some and we will talk some more later perhaps.

But the hostess came to me and expressed her appriciation that someone could do that with me. "Do what?" I asked. "Come to you, a near stranger, and express her reason for being here, her fears, her self doubts. You give off that sense of safety. That people can share intimate details with you without fear of you (taking advantage of them)".

For me, it is very important to both give off that energy as well as to be that person who can be trusted. For a person to be able to work with a Qadishti and although sacred sexuality can be part of our work together, they are always safe and don't have to worry about sex being anything more than a helpful tool we can share. Never something taken....

Beginning to cultivate this aspect of myself began when I read the below passage....

“A male Tantrist’s attitude toward women is very different from the ordinary male’s. Indeed for the former, all woman embody Shakti and they are not a sex object to be courted for their favors or game to be hunted. Tantric men are neither Casanovas nor Don Juans. Even if she is alone with a male Tantrist, she has nothing to fear; she is totally safe and free to act in any way she pleases.She is respected and will never be bothered or harassed.” (Andre Van Lysebeth, Tantra:The Cult of the Feminine, 1995, p. 84)

Notes from Client ~X~ ... Our first sexual exchange

2008-10-24T23:27:00.012-04:00

This this the third post in a series that began on September 12th. Real feelings from a real person. (All names being used here are psuedonyms except for that of David and Amanda who are ~X~'s Qadishti Temple Providers)

A great deal of interpersonal work enabled ~X~ and I to directly address the idea of intimacy during the October Full Moon. It took approximately six weeks of information gathering and getting to know one another before this happened, a much shorter period than I had thought possible. I feel honored to be engaged with someone like ~X~ who has been extremely open to sudden shifts in tempo and trusted my judgement during the process. She definitely took some big risks to change her relationship with the Temple of Terra Incognita last summer. Enjoy ... ~X~ is a skilled writer and her notes on our first sexual exchange are amazing.

Postscript 2/2/09:

This series of posts have been deleted and/or altered at the request of our Client who felt exposed (even though completely anonymous) by having such personal information on the internet. I think her shared thoughts were very valuable contributions to the Qadishtu Experience blog and thank her for allowing them to educate others during the time they were available to be read. I feel Client privacy concerns are always paramount in any Qadishti relationship and must be honored above everything else.

David

Inanna's Embrace

2008-10-15T11:43:00.005-04:00

Sometimes our job as Qadishti is to witness, to validate, to affirm another's sacred sexual experience. Xavier, a Qadishtu Blog reader, sent me the following description of just such an experience he had recently, and gave me permission to post here...so we might all bear witness to the power of Inanna, Goddess of Sacred Prostitutes...

Thought I'd share with you an experience I had yesterday. I was sitting in a pew at the liberal and welcoming church I attend, and the minister led us into a "pastoral prayer" that involved his speaking and then a moment for meditation. As he started speaking, I closed my eyes and relaxed. I invited Inanna to hear this prayer being spoken and to "come unto me." Within just a moment, I felt Her presence behind me. I could picture Her there, her robes white and hanging perfectly from Her shoulders. The gown, however, was open and the garment exposed Her breasts, between which my head was cradled. She reached around and placed Her hands gently on my forehead, massaging my brow. It was just exquisite. Such peace.

My shoulders loosened and relaxed as She embraced me. Her hands then moved down, over my shoulders, across my chest, and I shivered as my body reacted to Her loving touch. Then, without a word, I felt Her push through me and She began to place Her Holy Presence inside of me. That is, She moved forward through the pew and sat down inside me. She moved Her arms to mimic where mine were; She nestled Her long legs to conform with mine and She seemed to be amused as Her feet slipped into my shoes. For a moment there, W/we were together in the same space. I felt Her breasts on my chest, I felt the warmth of Her vulva as it meshed with my stiffening cock. There was a flash of pleasure, intense and gratifying, in my head and then she kind of melted into every cell and was gone. The minister said, "Blessed be," and I opened my eyes, astonished at what had just happened. I stood, then, and a bit wobbly, sang with the rest of the church these words that seemed to fit the experience so well (and made me wonder how they had been chosen):

Return again, return again, return to the home of your soul

Return to who you are. Return to what you are. Return to where you are. Born and reborn again.

Xavier

Wordless Gifts

2008-10-14T11:52:00.000-04:00

When the Temple of the Red Lotus attends pagan festivals, we usually bring a large (10’ x 20’) tent that we decorate with beautiful wall hangings, carpets, pillows, and an elaborate altar. We offer workshops, rituals, and private sessions. Sometimes, we simply offer a new way of thinking or of viewing the world. Most of what we do is talking, but sometimes we communicate love, acceptance, safety, and comfort wordlessly. I remember one time when an older man (somewhere in his late 60’s or early 70’s) strolled by the Temple Tent while I was sitting outside it. I was taking a break from all the people and was quietly reading a book. I looked up as he passed, smiled, and nodded hello. He smiled and nodded in response, then continued on his way. A short time later, I looked up again as I heard someone approaching. It was the same older gentleman, coming back from the direction in which he’d gone earlier. He smiled as he approached and I smiled back. I was getting ready to turn my attention back to my book, when he stopped on the path beside my chair.

I raised my eyebrows at him and said “Hello,” out loud. He introduced himself, and then asked if he could sit with me for a few moments. He asked me about the Temple and my path, and we spent quite awhile talking about that and about his life. Turns out he had lost the ability to get and maintain an erection for quite some time. Although his wife claimed not to desire sex, he still missed the pleasure he used to find in sex and orgasm. We discussed various other ways he and his wife, or he alone, could enjoy sexual pleasure without needing an erection, and without needing to pursue orgasm. He thanked me for my time and my suggestions and went on his way once again.

Later that day, as I was walking down the path from the Temple Tent toward the Kitchen, this gentleman caught up to me and asked if I would walk with him for awhile. We wandered away from the more populated areas of the gathering, and found a fairly secluded spot on the Ritual Hill. He confessed that he had started to feel a stirring in his penis while he and I had talked earlier, and he was wondering if I’d be willing to let him caress my breasts while he lay in my arms. This man was a consummate gentleman and I felt utterly safe with him. I agreed to his request by laying down on the soft grass and gathering him into my arms. After holding him quietly for a few moments, I took his hand and slowly guided it up under my shirt. As his hand made contact with my breast, he gasped, then moaned in pleasure. It had, indeed, been a long time since he last allowed himself to explore another’s body.

After a sweet interval of gentle caressing, I moved my hand to the top of his waistband and looked at him questioningly. He nodded, and I gently reached into his pants. He was partially erect, and I began to stroke him, slowly. His eyes closed and he allowed himself to drift on the pleasure I was bringing him. I could tell that he was succumbing to the pleasure, without expectation of anything more. I, too, was not focused on trying to bring him to orgasm, but when I felt him begin to harden more, and his breathing became more ragged, I followed the energy. I sped up my strokes and started visualizing this man’s orgasm. I could feel the wave of pleasure surging up from his dormant root chakra, and I visualized drawing that energy up the shaft of his penis. A few more strokes and my palm was bathed in his sacred juices. The dam had broken, and when I looked back at his face, he was glowing, radiantly happy. He hugged me for a long time, a wordless expression of gratitude for a wordless gift of pleasure.

The Other End of the Sexual Spectrum

2008-10-06T22:10:00.006-04:00

One of the qualities that best defines a modern qadishtu is a an openness and acceptance for people's sexuality. It's not unusual to hear about bizarre fetishes, disturbing fantasies and embarrassing secrets. We smile, explain to the person there's nothing wrong with them, and proceed to answer their questions or point them in the right direction. But just when you think you've heard it all, somebody will surprise you.

A couple of months back, a friend asked me if I did work with asexuals. It was a somewhat unusual request, but I knew she was starting to date again (a decidedly tricky situation), and agreed. We scheduled a time to get together to talk.

I first asked her to give me a bit of her history of relationships, and asked her about her asexuality. She said that she had felt that way her whole life, and had grown to accept herself, coming to realize that nothing was wrong with her - it was just the way it was. I needed to make sure that she wasn't avoiding sex due to incest or abuse, and this was clearly not the case. She had had one long-term relationship, but it had been about 20 years back. Since then, she had met a few people she liked, but when they found out, they were unwilling to date her. She had recently met someone she was interested in, and was trying to figure out how and when to tell her about her preferences.

We next talked about what sexual activities she did and didn't enjoy. She told me that she really enjoyed kissing and cuddling, but most things past that just didn't turn her on. They weren't unpleasant, but they weren't pleasurable. She had attended a couple of cuddle parties, and said that she really enjoyed that level of contact. She was definitely looking for a long-term, intimate relationship, and felt attracted to both men and women.

I then asked her if she was a monogamous asexual or if she was perhaps interested in non-mongamous relationships. (Non-monogamy is a great way for asexuals to get their needs met.) She hadn't considered this before, and said she would likely be willing to be non-monogamous if she had some level of friendship or relationship with her partner's partner as well. We also talked about personals websites for asexuals. She had perused them a bit, but found that most of the people there were much younger than her.

The conversation turned next to the person she had recently started spending time with. She agreed that she needed to inform her new interest soone rather than later so as to not lead the other person on. I said that while asexuality was definitely not a disease, it was similar to having an STD: it was important to be honest with people a few dates in if it felt like things were going places. It was true that some people would automatically say no, but others would not have a problem with her needs (though it would definitely narrow her pool of available candidates quite a bit). While this need probably seems strange to many, it's not too different than what other single people experience as they go through life and find that their tastes and preferences have become more refined and discerning.

When we ended our conversation, she finally decided that she was going to have a few more dates before having "the talk." A couple of weeks later, she told me that she had never actually broached the subject; she had determined somewhat naturally that there were other, more important incompatibilities.

It is likely that we will work together further and do some role-playing to give her an opportunity to practice "the talk" and perhaps strategize for how to find people to date. Regardless, though, she told me that it felt really good to be able to have an conversation about a part of her life she normally kept hidden from those around her.

This is the gift of the qadishtu: acceptance as complete, whole, worthy, lovable human beings, regardless of where our desires may fall on the sexual spectrum.

Is this love?

2008-10-03T16:06:00.006-04:00

People tell me I'm not tender enough...but I can tell you, I feel deeply for everyone, especially the most vulnerable. The reason I've never really enjoyed BDSM is because to me it's an artificial enactment of reality. The way I see it, reality is far more intense ... and dealing with the REAL can be a far greater adventure. It's possible to be Qadishtu with people you don't know, when they least expect it.

For example the time David and I took a couple to a dungeon. Going there was an event for them in itself, however, my girlfriend also wanted an experience as a Dominant. I looked at the small crowd lingering in GD's expanded loft space, and saw three people standing by the juice bar. David will tell you the backstory about the man he was mentoring here, who was a survivor of sexual abuse, and his wife who wanted to help. To get him more in touch with his triggers we brought them to a dungeon where his wife would assist me with a scene. Once there, I noticed a couple by the bar who was with a middle-aged "dweeby" character standing somewhere around 5' 5' tall, weighing maybe 145 pounds.

The Dom trainee wife that came with us watched me as I approached the three to say hi. They returned my salutation and we established it was ok for me to join them. I turned to the little man and moved my face very close to his and asked him if he'd ever been here before. He was noticably breaking out in a sweat, probably because at that moment I was unbuckling his belt. I looked back at the couple that was with them and their eyes were turning into Big Round O's. Seeing nobody was disturbed by my aggressions, I turned my attention back to my little man, unsnapped his pants and undid his zipper. "Are you married?" I asked. He whispered "yes..." "My name is Mistress. Yes, what?" "Yes, Mistress," he said.

"Excellent." I glanced back at the couple as I put my hand down his pants to stroke his cock and seeing they were laughing I asked, "How long have you been married?" By now he was squeaking "25 years," he said. "25 years!" I responded. "How wonderful. Do you have children?" Again checking in with his friends who were happy they had front row seats I was encouraged. His cock was getting a little harder, but still weak. The topic of conversation wasn't the most erotic and it's difficult being exhibited in front of your friends for the first time. "Yes." "Yes? yes what?" I said smiling, my lips brushing his." Breathing hard, he said softly, "Yes, Mistress." The Mistress label needed to be incorporated to establish with both him and his friends that this was not violating his home and family. It was an adventure, nothing more.

"You are a nice man," I said. "I believe we can do something together that you will remember for a long, long time. Would you like that?" The couple was probably more engaged than he was as my hand was noticably and continuously stroking his member. "Yes, Mistress." He said.

The bar area was at the center of two other rooms. The flanking areas were full of equipment that could be used to hang, spank, cage, victims -- a virtual BDSM playground. To our left was a table with ropes clearly used for bondage. I took his hand, motioned my girlfriend to follow and led them through the door. He stood by the table as I pulled down his pants. By this time his cock was hard and standing perpendicular to his body even as he was feeling awkward while I was making our preparations. He thought he'd pull up his pants. "Are you sure you want to do that?" He looked at me. "I can stop this right now if it bothers you." Immediately pulling his pants back down he stood somewhat patiently while I finished stringing the ropes for him to lie down.

I blindfolded him and tied him to the table -- slowly -- laboriously. He was shaking as I sucked his cock. He didn't maintain a hardon. He didn't cum. He was scared. I motioned my friend to straddle his face, her leather covered pussy hovering inches from his face. I suddenly snapped off the blindfold. He turned sheet white as his eyes focusing upward -- "Oh my GOD!" he said.

She moved back, I kissed him, untied him, let him rise and pull up his pants. He had tears in his eyes, as he said "Thank you, Mistress" and handed me his business card. "Call me ok?" he asked.

It's not always about the cumming -- is it?

Amanda

An experience at an alternative lifestyle event

2008-09-29T11:34:00.002-04:00

I am very pleased by the responses we've had from both the people who participated in as both receivers and givers in the sacred touch ceremony at an event in Columbus, OH. Here is a post by one of those givers that points out the personal benefit of this work.

"Two weekends ago I took part in a very special event that those of you who are local to Ohio may hear referred to as "The Tent." To the best of my ability to determine it, I think that everyone who was involved was effected deeply.

First of all, what was "The Tent?" The formal name was actually "The Scarlet Sanctuary." It was a part of the COPE event that weekend in Columbus. It was orchestrated and created by a group known as the Path Of The Qadishti. The purpose was to create a sacred space where people of any gender or sexual orientation could come to receive "sacred touch." They were kind enough to allow my wife and I to join them.

What does it mean to receive "sacred touch?" It is dropping your defenses, only to the extent that you are comfortable, and allowing another person, or two or three to touch your body intimately. Some people choose to be fully clothed, others fully naked, the rest choose to keep some clothing on. Some choose to allow touching where there is clothing, others do not. The touching is not directly sexual, but it is very intimate. Western culture focuses so much on the breasts and the genitalia, but nothing is more intimate than allowing another person to caress your face, your lips, your eyelids.

Why do we need to be touched? In our modern world we are more connected than at any time in history. We can stay in touch with those we care about 24/7/365. The paradox is that we are in many ways also the most isolated that people have been in history. We depend so much on electronic communication that we often avoid actually talking. I once knew a couple who spent all evening, every evening, in adjacent rooms, on their computers; surfing, chatting, and emailing. If they needed to communicate with each other it was done by IM. It is not surprising to learn that their relationship lost its intimacy. This story is not unique. It is repeated in millions of ways in every city, every day. As a culture, we have lost our sense of, but not our need for, intimacy.

Afterward, those who came into the tent to receive sacred touch spoke of a sense of calmness and healing energy. Tears were often shed. Grief was released. Emotional scars healed. We touched over 40 people during the evening, and had to turn some away, as our time expired.

What about the "givers." What was in it for them? What would possess nine people to sacrifice an entire evening, the climax of an event that they paid to attend, to working in something like the tent? Some of them have posted (around). They spoke of receiving more than they gave, of growing through giving, of the pleasure of service, of ministering to the needs of others.

What was it about this event that has changed my life? Where to begin?

First there is the grief. I have had several major events recently that brought grief and grieving into my life. In some cases the grief was mine, in other cases the grief belonged to members of my family or my tribe. It got to the point where I was no longer able to process it all. The only way I was able to deal with it was to shut down. In a very real sense, I stopped feeling altogether. I went through the day, often expressing emotions, but I wasn't feeling them. Inside was just a cold, dark place. I am so thankful for my loving wife . She loved me through the dark time as best she could. I am blessed to have her.

In the tent, two of the first three people that I touched were dealing with grief; one with the recent loss of her spouse, the other with the yet ongoing effects of child abuse. After touching them, I needed to spend some time by the altar. I took in their grief, held it, cherished it, and then released it to the universe to be healed into positive energy that could be used for good. What I didn't realize at first was the side effect that I also released my grip on my own grief, and allowed myself to feel it, to process it, and begin to heal.

The other thing that I took from the tent was the great pleasure that I derive from coming together with a group of like-minded people for a common, sacred purpose. I used to be a preacher. I miss that, but I am no longer a christian. I have trained as a pagan priest, but I have not found a group of pagans that I find satisfying. For the most part I find pagans to be telling nearly the same stories as I told from the Bible, changed a bit. Their worship is often disturbingly similar to a christian service, but you must substitute "goddess" for "Jesus."

It is now becoming a priority to either find a place where we can gather with folks whose sense of Spirit and the Divine is a good match to ours. If we can't find one, we may need to start one. Perhaps the Scarlet Sanctuary, or something like it, will come to Akron"

Reposted with permission from an original post by Lucar, of Akron, Ohio

Qadesh to Client ~X~ ... 2nd post of series

2008-09-26T23:27:00.010-04:00

Note: all names used in this ongoing series are psuedonyms, except that of David and Amanda

The Qadesh/Client relationship described on September 12th has had a minor setback and is finally about to progress. Twelve days ago ~X~'s friend Amy gave her opinion on our proposed relationship. It was not very supportive.

I feel ~X~ should blog her perspective on this, but basically Amy feels that ~X~ is not being honest with me about what she needs and that our Qadesh/Client relationship is doomed to fail. An emotionally detached birthday sexual experience would be fine, but Amy doesn't feel ~W~ could handle the deeper connection with a married Qadesh.

Amy knows her MUCH better than I do and this opinion resonates with what my intuition has told me. However, my go-slow approach to Qadesh/Client exchanges means that we are going to figure this out together. As I said to ~X~ in preliminary discussions ... our mutual goal is multi-faceted ... the sexual part is only one aspect and frankly not the most important part.

I have known ~X~ for quite some time. Her communication skills, intellectual curiosity and trustworthiness are exceptional. Our Q/Client dynamic is based upon attraction and respect, so a deep, slowly evolving relationship is what I think is the best approach. She is not some lonely human being that simply needs loving attention.

My assessment is that ~X~ wants a man who can sincerely enjoy what she has to offer as a person. A man who isn't possessive about her affections and time or attached to Amy (like Steve and Luke). Someone who is focused on her personal growth and is willing to be there long term as a friend, lover and mentor. A Qadesh.

The dangers in this negotiated relationship are many. She must risk love and even worse falling in love. I already like this woman and am excited about growing our feelings. I really doubt that our relationship could ever be as intense as what she shares with Amy and her husband Steve, but I can guarantee it will have it's own life. ~X~ knows that I am doing this in tandem with my wife Amanda and that the goal here is to expand her loving circle in a way that serves her needs in a sensitive way.

What do I get out of this? ~X~ is no sugar Mama who will fund the Temple or pay my bills. However, this does not mean that we won't be reciprocally rewarded. She has already given Terra Incognita a valuable down payment of her time, skills and loyalty. I also really enjoy her company and look forward to the time we spend together.

Next Tuesday 9/30: The First Session

Postscript 2/2/09:

This series of posts have been deleted and/or altered at the request of our Client who felt exposed (even though completely anonymous) by having such personal information on the internet. I think her shared thoughts were very valuable contributions to the Qadishtu Experience blog and thank her for allowing them to educate others during the time they were available to be read. I feel Client privacy concerns are always paramount in any Qadishti relationship and must be honored above everything else.

David

Under the Full Moon Light........

2008-09-19T05:42:00.008-04:00

She moves gracefully upon the wind
She outshines the morning and the evening star
She calls me the Daughter of Making
She gives me the wisdom to listen
She takes me to the greatest heights of the world
She opens my heart and pours in Her love
She persuades me to accept all who seek…………….

I am a Spiritual Guide and Priestess who follows the call of the Goddess.
As a Her Priestess, I have been able to communicate Her ways to others
who seek. I answered Her call and posted to an invitation to the women in
my community. The idea was to have two rituals celebrate the full moon
and the dark moon. I create rituals to help others connect with the divinity.
The notice was a call out to those who felt a need to be surrounded by other
women and allow me to take them on a journey under the moonlight as
well as through total darkness.

A questionnaire was sent to each participant. It began with “Within
every woman, there lives a powerful force, filled with good instincts,
passionate creativity, and ageless knowing” We are the Maidens, the
Mothers, the Warrior Women, and the Crones. We are magickal, we are
the mysteries, we are the soul of the Earth, and we are Her Strength.
We are Goddess, Witches, Weavers…We are Women!’ I asked how they
would like to be addressed in circle, what is your sun sign, do you recognize a
patron Goddess, if so what is Her name, what element do you feel associated
with, and finally which Goddess phase are they in now. They indicated either
Maiden, Mother, Nymph, Temptress, Warrior Woman, or Crone. They were
asked to bring a candle that represented themselves and a Goddess
Representative (statue, flower, whatever they felt moved to bring).
And I asked the to complete an exercise and write down their maternal heritage
starting with I am so and so, daughter of…, granddaughter of... There were 34
participants who RSVP’ed with answers to my questions. I sent out a reminder
of what to bring as well as directions to a beautiful home nestled in the woods.

After a few days, the buzz of anticipation began to take root. The questions
about what to expect and what would we will do once we are together. I r
esponded that we would explore the mysteries......it could be your life as a Maiden
(which is a term used for anyone who is not married/ or married but without
children), Mother is anyone with children or who feels the resposibility as a Mother
in some fashion, Nymph/Temptress are really aspects of those who like to frolick in
the woods(figuratively and literally) flirty, self assured etc, The Warrior Women... is
a mother or someone of a certain age who is a protectress of her family and friends
and doesn't want to move into the Crone stage yet, and then there is the Crone...she
has embraced the wisdom of her life and gives it to others. I also told them we will
built the circle together...this will be more of an energy circle.....if that makes sense.
I will certainly explain it when we get there. Trust me. There is no prep work
needed just contemplation on your part...questions like why am I here, what do
I want to learn.

The day of the ritual arrived July 28, 2007 and I had a few lovely assistants
who helped me set up the house and the ritual space. Within the house, we
had fresh flowers, foodand wine. Outside, we created a ritual space. We had
two altars and torchesindicating the circle. Once the women began to arrive,
I wanted to be dialedinto each of their reactions and moods. I saw the delight
upon their face at seeing the ritual space and the house so close and inviting.
I asked eachof them to place their Goddess Representations and their candles
on the main altar. After placing the objects down, there were led into the house
where they were asked to wait patiently until all participants arrived. The last
carload arrived and the tally of women in attendance was 26.

I began the night with a small welcoming speech. I told the women present
that it is time to meet to the Goddess and commune with nature out in the
open and receive Her thoughts, blessing and gifts. I asked them be receptive
and allow themselves the opportunity to be guided into a space that honors
who they truly are. I gave them a sheet with a few chants like “We all come
from the Goddess”, “I am the Goddess” the Spiral Rhythm’s version, and “She
Changes Everything She touches” to sing to raise energy and prepare them
for their journey. I then asked them to follow me outside.

I asked three women to be the Maiden, Mother and Crone aspect to lay down
protections and blessings upon the circle and receive each woman as they
entered. The Crone gave them instructions to light their candle upon the
altar and then find a place around the circle to stand. Once everyone was
in the circle, I began the work to draw and cast the circle and place us all
between the worlds. We then honored the elements, the Goddess and the
God. Then all eyes were on me. I began to invoke the Goddess. I turned
to the women and now is the time to experience your true nature. You will
have a direct link to the Goddess. My voice was loud yet gentle and
commanding. I told them that I would lead them on a journey and I asked them
to be open and receptive once again. I asked them to turn a gaze upon the Moon.
There She is high in the dark sky. Her glowing faces looks down upon your
skin. See Her brilliance….Feel her caressing you as you raise your
hands to greet Her….. Can you hear her voice calling to you… Taste Her
energy and Now SPEAK her name…..The women spoke the name
of their Goddess. I then led the in a Drawing down the Moon within
Meditation and told them to speak to the Goddess. They begin
to sway and move in place. I walked behind each woman and spoke to them
and I said what they needed to hear. I remember words like let go, I hear
you, you are strong, you are beautiful….. and they spoke to the Goddess
through their tears and words of thanks. When I laid my hands upon their
backs, they began to speak loudly as if they felt Her touch.

When each women slowly stopped talking with the Goddess, it became quiet.
I could hear a few sobs then the women started to hug each other. They started to sing
“Circle around the fire” on their own. The song was just a perfect way to
send their requests out into the universe. The ritual continued with Cakes and wine.
As the wine goblet passed around the circle, each woman spoke of thanks to the
Goddess and the women gathered. They spoke of connections not normally made
amongst women and how the ritual had changed their lives. They spoke of love
and life as well as being in touch by the Goddess.

Once we finished the ritual, we returned to the home of J and I gave them each
a gift made by L. I commissioned earrings and bracelets made in representation
of their experience. They were put in bags that were colors of the elements. I
asked each woman to choose their gift. Once they opened the bag, I told them
that this is gift is a reminder of this experience. May you wear them and feel
the love of the Goddess and each woman here. May you begin a journey of
appreciation for yourself and others. May you always remember that you
are never alone and that She is always within you.

The ritual was crafted and designed to establish a connection with the Goddess. She
lead me to a vision of women who would embrace Her and realize that She is within
each of them. Showing someone the love, touch and embrace of the Goddess
is my greater work and I hope to have many opportunities to give of myself in this
way for all who seek Her within this body.

Some of the women wrote to me about their experience during the rituals. Here
are their own words.....

“......Then to reach out and feel Her presence above, below, and all around us.
To me it was like she sat me in Her lap and had a talk just with me even though
there were so many of us there. Everyone was talking to Her, either outloud or
to themselves, but you were so drawn to Her, that I couldn't hear anything but Her
and what She was saying to me. I felt Her all through my body and every woman
there, it was like we were all ONE. I drew Her into me. I drew everyone of those
beautiful women into me. Then we shared cakes and wine and went around and
took a moment to reflect and share”

“Finding the Goddess in the sky and reaching out to her....requesting, asking,
some of us (including me) begging for her to come to us....tears.....from within
and without.....and finally peace. Our gifts, L you're amazing, were our
reminder and our transport back into that time and place. Then the words from
each, our feelings, more tears....some walked to comfort and show love to their
sisters with the knowledge that the tears were now filled with joy. She took away
and gave us what we had asked for. We all knew it. She had given us another gift;
a gift of a new life, a new time, a new beginning. There were no longer strangers
only sisters, all were hugging each other, all declared love for each individual and
for the whole.”

“Gryn, I will repeat what I said last night. You have been my light, my beacon,
my lantern in the darkest of my days. I have longed for this since we first talked
about it right before Beltaine last year when you called me on the phone (the first
time we ever talked) while you were driving to Atlanta. (do you remember?) You
are my sister, my friend, my light.”

“I was sent up the road with firmness and a fierce seduction and confidence that's
(unknown to most) rare. I was walking on air. The power of that circle didnt have
nothing to do with the weather heat which I realised was actually chilly once I came
down. I was overflowing from every pore, power...mmmmm good. It was an addictive
exhuberance that I can get used to.”

Amazing and life changing experiences happens to those who seek the
Goddess. It was a beautiful night of memories I won't ever forget. The
Dark Moon ritual happened just a few weeks later and that was a totally
different experience. I hope to share it in the days to come......

Namaste'

A Soldier's Sexual Healing Ritual

2008-09-13T09:39:00.006-04:00

The following is the description of a ritual I performed with a veteran of the Iraq wars, four years after his return. These are his words and he has given me permission to share them here.

Inara

"The night began as I took a shower to cleanse myself and bring myself into my water spirit for the ritual of my life. I showered and cleaned until I felt fresh and good for the powers that would be. I dried and dressed myself in pants fit for a warrior in dress after returning from battle.

As I came into the living room, I could smell the perfumes in the air and the music dance within my thoughts. I began to meditate and as I did, I felt the music take over my senses and move my body. I was there in my mind, but something else took over my body. The music began to make me dance. I felt my body in a grace that mundane injuries and age would never allow me to perform. This dance seemed to be watched. As if proving myself worth to the Goddess to be seen in ritual. After some time, I took the apple of my offering and faced the temple entrance and began to meditate to calm my nerves and quiet my mind.

It was then I heard a chime. It awoke me from my quiet mind. A second chime, I arose from my position and as if in a transient state of mind, I moved toward a shadowed figure before me. A third chime came and I was welcomed into the temple to face an altar of beauty and strength. I took a seat and thought to myself and to quiet my mind. As I did this, a hum came to my ears. A dream like state coming to me as my mind quieted and began to sway to the hum of the sound made.

My eyes fluttered open as a chime rang and I was myself, but not. I saw with my eyes and spoke with my voice, but my body moved in a grace not of my own and words came from a time beyond my own. I placed my offering with a prayer and stood. The shadowed figure called upon a circle and Eriskagal, the Goddess of Death and the Underworld, to join us. I prayed and called upon Isis to join my side and give me the strength she has always laid upon me as her son.

As this came to a full circle, Eriskigal appeared before my eyes. Her eyes a clouded mist, as if death took over her eyes and gazed upon me. I fell to my knees and praised her. Questions spoke from her mouth that came with answer from mine of truth and experience. Wishing to understand why and what I must learn and to rid myself of the grief and guilt I have suffered from for so many years.

After this, a blade was placed upon my chest for a choice to make in my life. To receive the death I have given by my hand, or life and understanding of what has been placed before me. I chose life and from there, I began my third and final cord cutting, releasing a dear friend, taken by death from my arms, to leave me and him in peace. Gathering my strength to stand once the cords cut, I moved to my knees before the Dark Goddess. She spoke of my being her son, her warrior, dealing her death by my hand and carrying out her will by my body.

It was then; she offered her body, in maiden form, to offering healing to my body, mind, and soul. We carried, hand in hand, to the bed and love was spoken and made in healing that night. I knew the movement of my body, but could only see by actions and feel my breath. Her moans grew within my mind and a blissful wipe came to my soul and happiness filled my being in ways no words could explain. Pleasure rose from all aspects of my body and mind and it carried me own to give the Goddess pleasures a woman would enjoy. Once the peak and climax of spiritual and physical orgasm was reached, we lay there within one another's arms and welcomed this blessing and love shared upon both our bodies and minds.

We then closed the circle and gave thanks to our guardians and the strength and pleasures we embraced in."

Notes from a new Client and her Qadesh Priest

2008-09-12T21:53:00.010-04:00

I'll keep my comments here brief because the thoughts graciously shared below from a *new* Temple of Terra Incognita Seeker (now accepted Client) are very articulate and filled with a wonderfully naked humanity that almost anyone reading should be able to relate to. I will refer to her as X and refrain from mentioning any personal background information that could be used to reveal her identity.

The concept: Instead of me simply describing a past Qadishtu experience, I felt it would be of even more interest to post an ongoing series of thoughts that document an actual in-progress Provider/Client relationship from both perspectives. Of course there is a great risk involved with this approach ... neither of us know how our carefully negotiated relationship will turn out yet. So far we have established primary goals and my Temple HPS/wife Amanda has been involved with the introductory process. In fact, Amanda was instrumential in facilitating the initial connection while I was away from home this summer, and will be a key support member as X and I explore that uncharted place of Monsters and Magick called Terra Incognita.

Postscript 2/2/09:

This series of posts have been deleted and/or altered at the request of our Client who felt exposed (even though completely anonymous) by having such personal information on the internet. I think her shared thoughts were very valuable contributions to the Qadishtu Experience blog and thank her for allowing them to educate others during the time they were available to be read. I feel Client privacy concerns are always paramount in any Qadishti relationship and must be honored above everything else.

David

I am a Qadishtu

2008-09-11T10:12:00.001-04:00

Each and everyone of us wear different hats throughout the day. Sometimes I wear the Soccer Mom hat, sometimes I wear the Organizer hat, several times during the day I wear the Mom of Teenagers hat, etc.
Every role that I take on can be both aggravating and wonderful and sometimes both at the same time!

One of the hats (hereafter referred to as a veil) that I really am growing to love is that of a Sacred Sensuality Facilitator also known by some as Qadishti. Even this hat can be both aggravating and wonderful at different times. But this is one hat that encourages me that Life can be rewarding and gives me hope that I can reach out and help people who ask for help.

I am a Qadishtu.

Sometimes I doubt myself in this. Sometimes I doubt more than other times.
But then I get a reminder from someone else.

There was a night, not too long ago, when I was involved in a ritual where I was learning, but not quite connecting as I felt that I should. Something didn’t feel just right. I was tempted to step aside and meditate.

The Goddess Aphrodite has been flitting around me all night. She doesn’t ever stay for long, she just stops by occasionally. It is actually rather annoying, but one thing I have learned is to not argue with a God, at least not to their face. So I try to reason with Goddess Aphrodite. Not so good either.

As the ritual circle passes around again, I find myself with one of my loves, and we begin the left-eye connection with our right hands over our partner’s heart. Ok, now this I can connect with!!

I am now thinking how glad I am that I did stay and didn’t leave to meditate, when, suddenly my body turns and walks away. I am leaving my partner without a word as I begin walking towards another dancer.

As I approach, I open my arms and enfold this young lady in my arms. She doesn’t hesitate. She lays her head on my shoulder and cries silently. I think that it almost would be better if she would wail and let out her anguish.

At this point, the Goddess Aphrodite is more me than I am me. Aphrodite speaks through me and tells me that I am there to comfort this young lady who is trying to hide her pain in regards to her significant other who is mocking her interest in this search for spiritual enlightenment.

I pull her back from my shoulder and Aphrodite raises my hand to brush back this young ladies hair and gently stroke her face. I find my hand wiping away her new tears and then I begin to speak Aphrodite’s words, “You are a beautiful and strong person. You are a Goddess. You must find and love the Goddess within you before you can expect another to love your Goddess”.

Throughout this time, I am gently caressing this young ladies face and she even turns her head into the cup of my palm seeking re-assurance.

Now I realize that my partner, one of my loves, is with us in the embrace. He is here listening and offering his support. He understands, even better than I do, that it is Aphrodite speaking and holding this young lady in pain. The three of us are swaying to music in harmony. I am starting to learn that dance is as much about touch as it is about rhythm.

The dancers continue to circle about us, but we three are in our own little bubble. Aphrodite continues to speak through me to encourage this young lady to love herself and that she is a Goddess herself. (I don’t even remember all the words that she spoke, but my dance partner/lover ensures me that it was quite lovely to hear.)

We do rejoin the other revelers and the dance again. I am now back completely in myself and Aphrodite is gone. I say a prayer of thanks that she chose my body to help heal. I am not at all familiar with having a Goddess or God or anyone in me, and this was the first time that I really could open myself up enough to let any of them inside me and yet feel every sensation. It was awesome and yet aggravating and wonderful as well. I found it was much like any of the other hats that I sometimes wear.

I am a Qadishtu.

Sacred Touch

2008-09-11T00:18:00.002-04:00

This is something that happened to me a couple of months ago, and I thought I would share.

Dan (my husband) and I were at a Leather Event and I participated in the Dom/sub auction. This is where you can bid on a person for a certain service that they offer themselves up for, and then the money goes for charity. I had offered myself up for energy work and a submissive that we know, bid on and bought me.

************
j was very excited about having won the bid for me. I was excited too. I was bought to do something that I love to do……sacred touch.

We were supposed to do the scene that night at the event, but neither of us were in any shape to do so. We both had been through intense scenes with our partners and were still floating too high to do an energy scene. So, we decided to follow through with it at the pool party the next day.

I was actually a little nervous because I'm not used to topping. Though, I am a priestess and know how to do Reiki sessions and such, but Reiki (the way I do it so far), doesn't involve sexual energy. What i wanted to do with j, was going to involve sexual energy, because that is what she wanted. She had participated in a sacred touch tent that my husband and I had facilitated last year, and wanted to go further. So, I made sure to watch another energy worker Saturday night. That gave me some ideas. Plus, I've watched my husband, Dan with many women over the last decade and decided to copy a little of His style as well. He is a Qadesh and it shows when he’s with someone.

We get to the pool party and j is very excited about this. I'm still a little nervous, but very much looking forward to giving this a try. I plan on doing Reiki and sacred touch and see where it goes from there. j and i head for the basement play area. We are the only ones there and j turns down the music. I asked them what they have in mind. j says they want to experience more of the sacred touch. I did some negotiation with j...asked how comfortable they were with getting naked, etc. Since this person is a gender bender (meant in a very loving way), i wanted to make sure i didn't cross any gender boundaries. They were very honest and open with me and negotiation went well. This was a first for me. I've never negotiated as a 'top'.

This person was ok with getting naked and asked if they should strip. I told them that we would get to that, but that I would help them. Again, a trick I got from Dan. Slowly, I charged up my energy field and started touching their body, kissing and licking their skin. I whispered to them how not only the hands are a gateway to energy, but so is the tongue. The noises they made were delightful. I made love to this persons body with my touch through their clothes. I made love to them without touching them at all. I charged my intent with love and passion and played in their energy field.

I spent a lot of time undressing this person. Slow and sensual. At the first sacred touch tent event, they had kept on their underclothes. Not this time. They were more sure of their body. They were trusting with what I had in mind for them. It was so amazing. And the light kisses....*sigh* I loved this person. I could tell by the look in their eyes that they were feeling the love that I was touching them with.

I finally asked them to get up onto the massage table and then spent a lot of time giving Reiki, sacred touch, balancing chakras and clearing their energy. I could feel their walls completely crumble. They became totally relaxed and just allowed me to be intuitive and let my hands touch, stroke and caress.

j allowed theirself to be vulnerable and open. We talked later and this was very healing for them.

To have someone so trusting and receptive under my hands....what a joy. I was so honored.

Kink Magic

2008-09-10T23:09:00.002-04:00

I have many experiences that I'd like to share.....but this one is already written up, so it gets posted first. :)

We were asked to write up one of our experiences for a book by Taylor Ellwood, titled Kink Magic.

Here is a copy of that:

We mentored a woman who was dealing with traumatizing memories of her past.
She had repressed them for a long time, and they were starting to come back to
her in her dreams. She had symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. She was
tired of the memories emerging at random, and wanted more control over this
process. We had worked with her for a few years, using Sacred Sexuality as one
method to aid in her healing. Feeling comfortable with this work, she came to
us and asked if we would help her use BDSM to dig deeper. We agreed, and
planned a ritual involving BDSM, ritual and Reiki.

We prepared her for the ritual by hugging her and undressing her, and then we
strapped her to a frame. Next, we took deep breaths, focused on her healing,
and invoked the directions (quarters) and the God and Goddess to watch over
the ritual. We worked on connecting to her energetically, pulling in Reiki to
help strengthen the connection and help us achieve the highest good with this
process. We then proceeded to flog her. We took turns flogging her, telling
her it was okay to drop her walls. We asked her to trust the Goddess to give
her the memories she was ready for. We told her it was okay to have walled
them up for survival of the trauma, but that she was now in a safe place with
a support network and it was okay to remember so that she could lay the
memories to rest. Between flogging sessions, we stroked her skin, giving her
more Reiki and whispering to her that it was okay to remember.

Her walls finally dropped and she became a crying mess. We took her down from
the frame so that her body could relax and she could lose herself in the
crying. We draped her over a footstool, made sure she was comfortable, and
paddled her. She cried and cried, releasing mental toxins from her system.
After a short time reassuring her that we were okay with her crying, and that
we cared enough to make her comfortable, we proceeded with the ritual. In her
case, crying was good. We finished by helping her rise from the spanking
position, wrapping her in a blanket, and releasing the directions.

Then, the three of us cuddled on the couch while she cried on our shoulders.
We gave her major aftercare, including Reiki sessions. The aftercare lasted a
couple of days while she processed the memories with her therapist. (Dan &
Dawn, Sacred Sexuality & BDSM Presenters – Personal Communication 1-9-2007)

Qadishtu Outer Court

2008-09-08T13:44:00.003-04:00

Qadishtu Outer Court from Saturday night
Over the weekend, I was fortunate enough to be attending a lovely Tantra event. (I feel that I can never seem to learn enough and I find that there are so many 'coincidental similarities' between so many of the Sacred Paths, that the overlap lessons are always beneficial)While there I was able to assist with some limited Qadishtu work in what many of the Qadishtu movement refer to as the Outer Court.

Prior to the Ritual, there is always a briefing class to cover the guidelines for anyone who is new to the art. The layout of the ritual area is shown, in this case, we had a twin size air mattress in the Center that the Seeker would be able to lay upon and then some blankets and pillows for the High Priest and High Priestess, and all the givers, some of whom are Qadishtu trained.

Limitations are explained as any activity that you, as a seeker, do not feel comfortable with having done while you are in the Center. Some limitations might include only being touched where there is no clothing, i.e., only on bare skin, or only a firm touch and not a lighter touch that might tickle, or a light touch and not a firm touch that will hurt sore muscles, or not being kissed on the mouth by anyone other than a fluid-bonded partner, and someone might explain that they have recently had gall bladder surgery and so to not touch their stomach area at all. These are just some of the many limitations that people can mention.

Also, a safe word can be used at any point and ALL activity is stopped. This safe word is for the seeker, or the person in the middle, when perhaps the emotions get to intense or the touch is more than they can deal with at this time. The safe word is in place for each person’s protection. Sometimes the touch can be joyful and arousing. Sometimes, if not frequently, the touch of others can bring issues to the forefront. Perhaps, a loving touch is a reminder that a seeker does not get enough loving touch in their personal lives. Perhaps, a loving touch is a reminder of a past love whose chapter is not resolved. Perhaps, the loving touch is a remembrance of a Mother’s touch who recently passed. There is no shame in calling out the safe word. It is just a word of protection. Any issues brought up should be further examined. If appropriate, the examination can take place at the end of the ceremony with any of the Priests or Priestess with whom a seeker has a connection. If not at the end of the ceremony, then a seeker needs to do some self-evaluation in the hopes of working on this issue to gain enlightenment.

Preferences are explained as any activity that you, when a seeker, would like to have done to you that you enjoy. Some of the preferences sited, were that they liked their hair played with, or their feet handled in a loving manner, or kisses on their neck, or nipple play is ok but just not too rough, or that they were a dessert plate – defined as pretty much anything and everything is wonderful. This is just a short list of preferences.

The group settles around the mattress and the High Priestess begins with a prayer to close and bless the area and then an invocation of her Deity whom she prefers to work with. Then each of us was invited to pray or invoke any of our own Deities. Some people just prayed for guidance, some asked for the Goddess Inanna or Gaia or Pan among others to join us in this Sacred Space.

A moment of silence is shared.

Then the High Priestess asks for a volunteer for the center. In this case, the seeker was just biding her time until the offer was given. She gave her name and her limitations and her preferences as only someone experienced can list that quickly. She lay back on the cushions and each of us (healers) placed a hand on her body in a gentle and loving manner so as to acclimate her body for continued touch.

Many of the healers followed a pattern of touch where their hands flowed over the seeker’s body in a rhythmic manner. Some healers just used a more random stroke all over the permitted area. One healer worked with the energy given off from the head. Personally, I tend to close my eyes and let my hands see the colors inside and that guides me to an area that needs a positive energy gift. But the work for this particular seeker progressed for about 15 minutes.

A side note here: not all healers need touch all seekers. There are times when healers need to center or ground themselves. Sometimes a healer will not feel comfortable with a particular seeker, and this is an ok feeling and must be respected.

The next seeker is up and lists off several limitations and a request for a much lighter touch. He only wishes to be touched by women and prefers not to have a man touch him. This is a perfectly fine request. It is much better to be honest than it is to feel uncomfortable. The time in the center of the circle is meant to be loving and comforting allowing the mind to float in a relaxed state. If this man had not mentioned that he didn’t want another’s man touch, than he would have not allowed himself to fully relax and to continue to fret over who was touching him.
This particular man called out his safe word after only about 7 – 8 minutes. He was relaxed but then a sudden noise from outside the circle interrupted his peace and he wanted to re-group before continuing.

Much of this night’s Outer Court was very fluid and laughter filled. This is rather unusual as generally this time is more somber but tonight there was a certain playfulness in the air. Many of the seekers found a joyful and positive space in which to reflect. Many of the healers, although serious in their work, also were able to thrive off the joy in the seeker’s response. More than once, there was laughter heard around the circle at the end of the seeker’s time in the center. One man couldn’t even speak because he couldn’t stop smiling. He would start and the words were gibberish and then he would giggle which of course made all of us giggle.

This levity is unusual, but it was the right mood at the right time for this particular Outer Court. One person who had invoked Pan, even commented that maybe Pan was present and being his usual mischievous self. Whatever the reason, all involved had their moods lightened.

The group went through 9 seekers on this particular evening. Each seeker built on the sacred energy that the previous seeker left. There were plenty of healers so that no one healer over-worked themselves. The air was alive with divine love and energy.

At the conclusion, our High Priestess, asked us all to gather together in a prayer of conclusion and to re-open the circle. As is customary, the energy gathered with the group is sent out into the world to help wherever such energy is best utilized.

Tonight, the High Priestess cast our Sacred Energy into the bonfire and WHOOOSHHH, the fire grew brighter and taller as it accepted our energy. If I had not seen the fire grow so intensely, I would not have believed it possible, but the fire did swell. It was a site that caused many of the revelers who were outside the Outer Court to stop and take notice. Some of them just nodded sagely and some others just looked at us like we had two heads. Well, in a way, some of us did have two heads: we had our human form, and then we also wore the head of whatever God-form whom we invoked.

There is a power when we allow a God to work thru our human hands and allow the energy from the God to help with Sacred Touch. It was present for all to see that night.

After the fire went WHOOOOSHHH (just like that word!), the drummers began their rhythmic, intoxicating drumming. Most of our group stayed up at the fire for several more hours just soaking up the sexual energy that had been raised. Even I, with my leg in a brace and generally in too much pain to generally move much by evening, danced with many of the other revelers. And one thing that I found interesting was, that even though I danced and talked and walked all over, I had very little pain. My gait was even improved. Now, that was some impressive energy!!

Most of the people at the fire, and not just those in our group, but many of the people who came up after we finished our ritual, commented that there ‘was something different in the air’ that night. There was a difference: it was called Love and Acceptance and a Release of Tensions caused by our normal, societal stigmas that inhibit us from being Free.

Namaste
Lyndsay

I have the touch

2008-09-01T11:10:00.002-04:00

At times, being a Qadishtu is simply about touch. Touch. We don't get enough of it in our society and it can a very clear or a very confusing message. A gentle touch can convey deep compassion. And not always does a touch imply more. Sometimes contact can be a reminder to be in the now, in the moment, here and present.

Sensual Spaces

2008-08-29T16:23:00.002-04:00

dawn and I found BDSM before we found this style of sacred sexuality. Things come full circle as an upcoming BDSM Event is going to have an area dedicated to Sensual Space. Here is the class we will be doing.

Sensual Spaces

Dan and dawn, a lifestyle couple of many years and founders of the Sacred Sexuality group 'Path Of The Qadishti', will lead a discussion on the concept of sensual spaces and sacred sexuality. They will touch on the background of sacred sexuality, but the primary focus will be the concept of Sensual Spaces and a discussion of the new (event) Sensual Space, a one of a kind dungeon that can be found here at (event) on Saturday night. Learn techniques and tips that can be used to express intimacy in ways beyond what most of us consider "standard". You can even use these techniques in (event)'s new Sensual Space dungeon! Find and release that inner passion!

10 year mark

2008-08-28T07:01:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was the 10th year mark of the first time my wife, Dawn, and I did anything "physical" together.

We started off by avoiding intercourse as part of our relationship, and that went on for about 10 months. This allowed us to not only explore a variety of other sexual connections, but to understand the depth of sacredness of eros.

Thus was our first step on the Qadishti path...

Warmly, Dan

Count down to an event

2008-08-27T11:35:00.002-04:00

In just over two weeks, a gathering of Qadishti will take place at a large event in Columbus, OH.

Although we have done this before, having a space where dozens of people can get there first taste of sacred sexuality - and for some, the first time that sexuality is approached as more than 'put tab a in slot b' - can be a daunting idea. What doors will we open, what sights will be revealed? Will others, like myself, find that "homecoming" I felt when first introduced to this Qadishti path?

Warmly, Dan (Columbus)

Nature Qadishti

2008-08-19T22:16:00.002-04:00

Last night I was driving home from a friend's house and my breath was taken away by the beauty of the moon. It was still low in the sky, appeared larger than life and incredibly close to earth. It had a golden hue to it and was stunning to behold.

As I neared home and the moon was directly in front of me, I became overwhelmed with a desire to give thanks, to worship, to become one with her. Suddenly I knew exactly what I was feeling compelled to do. After I arrived home, I changed into a pair of silky PJ's, collected a blanket, a couple of toys and headed to our back yard. I found a place at the root of a large tree where I had a direct view of the moon and spread my blanket on the ground.

I laid down and closed my eyes, breathing deeply, feeling the hardness of the ground beneath me. There was a root from the tree at my back. I positioned myself so that my yoni was facing the moon. I began to self pleasure, using the toys that I had brought with me. One inside of me and one massaging the outside of my vulva. I envisioned the toy inside of me as the root of the tree and the one on the outside as the rays from the moon. Making love to nature. My hips rose and fell almost with the pull of the moon tides. Waves of sensation building within my yoni. The shakti energy burning within me. I noticed that both of my toys were getting warm, almost hot to the touch. At one point I was compelled to raise my shirt and expose my breasts to the night air.

As I neared orgasm I breathed deeply to spread the energy through me, up my spine, feeding the tree root beneath me. The waves of orgasm spread through me and I focused it on the moon, sending it out to the universe for the gods and goddesses to do with as they wished, asking that it was used for good and healing purposes. If it was not needed anywhere, I requested that it be used as an offering of thanks. I raised my hand towards the moon as her servant and was filled with a sense of gratitude, peace and love.

Namaste

Assuming Permission - Enforcing Boundaries

2008-08-13T12:26:00.003-04:00

"YOU do not have permission!"

Inara de Luna

August 13, 2008

Sometimes being Qadishtu isn’t all happy and light. At times, we are presented with an opportunity to demonstrate what it means to be individuals with boundaries and self-respect, and sometimes those opportunities can be difficult or uncomfortable.

I am known within my small, local community as both Qadishtu, and also as a BDSM sub. My partner and I have even given demonstrations and allowed people to try their hand at things like flogging, with me a willing demo sub. Unfortunately, these things seem to convey to people that I have no boundaries, when it comes to sex or BDSM. This is simply not true. However, several times I have had to step up and say, “No!” very clearly and unequivocally when someone has overstepped a bound.

One time, at a “decadence party”, where everyone was encouraged to dress decadently and bring decadent desserts and drinks, a friend with whom I often play, asked if he could paint me. I lifted my skirt and told him he could “paint my ass red”. Tickled, he took a little swat, and then proceeded to get his paints ready. While I was leaned against the sink with my skirt up around my waist, someone else stepped up and started to bring his flogger toward me. I straightened, pulled down my skirt, and whirled on him, saying “YOU do not have permission!” He apologized and walked away. Later, I had several women come up to me and thank me for being so bold. This man had apparently been accosting others, who did not feel so comfortable saying “no”, even though they didn’t want the attention.

To me, this was an example of being a Sacred Sexuality Priestess – I expressed and maintained my own boundaries, based on a high level of self-respect, while also demonstrating for others how they can do the same, and simultaneously protecting those others (as the man in question soon left the party altogether, thus bothering no one further). Additionally, I brought the issue to the attention of all in attendance, that it is NOT okay to assume permission, no matter who the person is who is the recipient of your intentions.

Qadishtu Ritual - Embracing Life & Death

2008-08-12T13:42:00.002-04:00

Embracing Life & Death

A ritual of rehumanization

8/15/06

Inara de Luna

Temple of the Red Lotus

He entered the Temple and was welcomed by a silent, beautiful and graceful priestess who directed him to deposit his personal belongings in a niche set aside for that purpose. She helped him undress and wrapped a robe around his shoulders. After sitting him on a couch, she then knelt before him and lovingly washed his feet with warm, scented water. He relaxed under her ministrations and allowed his mental processes to shift to a more meditative state. He inhaled the incense wafting through the room and felt himself begin to let go of the tension that had become a constant part of his life for the last week or so.

The priestess dried his feet with a soft towel and then held out her hand to help him stand. She indicated he should follow her, and she led him up the stairs to the altar room. She left him kneeling before the altar, with instructions to make his offering to the Goddess and to meditate on why he was here.

Unwrapping the bundle that he’d brought with him, he picked up and gently held the two specialty tea balls he had bought especially for this occasion. Cupping them in his hand, he raised them in front of his face and proffered them to the statue of Aphrodite, praying that she help him heal and thanking her for the forces of Eros and Love in his life. He placed the tea balls in the offering dish at Aphrodite’s feet and bowed his head in silent contemplation.

He wasn’t sure how long he would have to wait for the Goddess to appear in the form of the Priestess, and he wasn’t sure what he was expected to do. He knew that she was going to perform a re-humanization ritual of some sort with him, to cleanse him of the experience of the hunt he’d just returned from, but he had no idea what form this ritual would take. As he sat before the altar, he struggled to achieve a state of acceptance and wrestled with his feelings of impatience. He was unused to inactivity and uncertainty. In the field, even though he never knew what sorts of animals he would encounter, he always knew what was expected and he knew how to handle himself. There was always an element of danger and risk, but he maintained a large measure of control. Here he felt he had very little and had to trust in the process.

Finally, there was a movement behind the curtain that led to the inner sanctum. Someone was emerging, someone clothed all in black robes, completely concealing all features and body type. She entered the altar room and stood before him, with bowed head and slightly outstretched arms. As the figure inhaled deeply, her head and arms both raised and he could feel the Goddess descending into the body of her Priestess. And then she spoke:

“I am the Dark Face of the Goddess. I am She who rules over Death and Transformation.”

He bowed his head in supplication and acknowledgment. She continued:

“You have just emerged from your own place of Darkness. Will you offer me your story?”

He looked up at her and nodded. “Yes, Lady, I will.”

She nodded and brought her hands together in front of her body, palms up forming a cup, as if She would physically hold the story he shared. He began:

“I don’t normally hunt or have any desire to hunt, but my brother asked me if I would join him on this adventure with our father. It seemed like a great opportunity for a bonding experience with my brother and father and so I agreed. It wasn’t until later that I found out just what kind of hunt this would be……

As he finished his story, She closed her hands and bowed her head. Then she brought the palms of her hands to her chest and pressed them into her heart, as if absorbing the story into her being. “Thank you for sharing your story. I will cherish it.” She was silent for another couple moments and then began speaking again.

“Death is a natural part of life. Destruction is a necessary step on the cycle. Some people feel tainted by death. But death is sacred. As sacred as life. The balance must be maintained.

“By seeing death, you stand witness to that divine transformation. By inflicting death, you become my sacred instrument. You wear my face and perform one of my sacred duties.

“You have been transformed. I honor you as you must honor yourself for this sacred role you have played.

“But now, life calls to you once again. And you must value that life and embrace it with all the vigor and enthusiasm it demands.

“As the wheel turns, the cycle progresses, and I become, once again, the Maiden.” She removed her black garments and revealed the lithe body of a young woman. “Through me, you are healed and renewed.” She kneeled before him and spread her legs, framing her yoni with her hands.

“Come, embrace me! And partake of the joyous gifts of life and love that I offer you!”

She then led him to the sacred bower and lovingly sponge-bathed his entire body with warm rose-scented water. Once cleansed, she covered his body with warm kisses, her lips soft and inviting on his sensitive flesh. His lingam stirred and she took him in her mouth until he was fully erect. Then she took his hand and helped him to sit up, while she laid back and arranged her legs to either side of him. “Partake,” she whispered with a smile. He lowered his head to her yoni and began gently licking her lower lips, lapping at her moisture. He worshipped her until she cried out in bliss, then he raised himself up and entered her with a long thrust.

Enveloped by her body, he felt himself energized. His soul merged with his mind and his body, and as a more integrated being than he was when he entered the Temple, he repeatedly joined his flesh with hers. As their bodies rocked together, their energy fields merged and became one, and they became a perfectly balanced, unified whole.

He continued thrusting, while she lifted her hips to meet his thrusts. In his mind’s eye, visions of life, death and rebirth played out, over and over, in rapid sucession. He lowered his head to catch her mouth with his own, and let their tongues mimic the dance their lower bodies were enacting. The energy built and swirled around them until finally, he felt her begin to pulse around him. Her inner flesh spasmed and milked him until he couldn’t contain it any longer, and with a shout, he orgasmed. The boundaries of their skin ceased to exist for that moment; he couldn’t tell where he ended and she began; and his vision was filled with stars. All thought stopped and even physical sensation ceased for a terrifying moment. Had he just died? But then, the sound of her satisfied moans and slowing breathing filled his ears, he could feel his lingam still spasming, and her hands felt like silk on his back. The scent of their pleasure wafted up to his nose in a wave and he knew, without a doubt, that while a piece of him had died, it had been a transformation, and he was yet very much alive.

As the orgasm subsided, and he floated down to the bed, to rest with her head pillowed on his shoulder, he fancied he could hear every individual cricket outside, he could detect the beating wings of each bird, he could almost feel the beating hearts of all the people in the houses around him. He was filled with a sense of awe and an overwhelming feeling of compassion for all the creatures he could detect. And with that, he gave thanks to the God and Goddess for this gift of love, pleasure, ecstasy and connection.

Cyber-Qadishtu

2008-08-11T10:31:00.004-04:00

While it's great to work with people in person, one-on-one, sometimes you can't do that, for various reasons.

I have a friend on the west coast who had lapband surgery about two years ago, and announced that she just passed the 100-lbs.-lost mark. She has long struggled with her weight, and the self-esteem of being a big person, and this is huge for her. A friend posted photos of an event, and there were a couple of pictures of my friend in there. I sent her the following email in response:

BTW, I was blown away when I saw the pictures of YOU! You look amazing! Your smile has always been so big, beautiful and captivating, but now it overwhelms...in a good way!

I hope you are feeling as good on the inside as you look on the outside, and that your sense of worthiness and self-love has increased as the pounds have dropped! Because, man oh man! You are just gorgeous!

She wrote me back, and told me I had made her cry.

I am hoping to do some hands-on work with her when I see her in a few weeks. She is a straight girl, so she doesn't need sex from me, but having the opportunity to nestle in the arms of the Divine Feminine has a way of making folks really notice you.

The 25 Year Old Virgin

2008-08-11T10:31:00.001-04:00

Temple Session - The 25 Year Old Virgin

Inara de Luna
August 2008

I've been meeting with a young man (25 years old) who has Asperger's and hasn't yet had sex for the first time. We have spent the first two sessions discussing his life and his experiences with girls/women, while I observed him. This time, we spent a little time catching up, and then delved into some actual "work". I asked him if he was aware of the facial tic he exhibited while talking. He wasn't, and we discussed how people respond to all sorts of weird little things, like facial tics, when they're assessing if they want to get to know someone better. I also asked him if he was aware of other facial expressions he makes while talking. Again, he wasn't. I asked him to look at me with interest - what his face did looked bored - the exact opposite of the effect he was striving for.

So, we sat down together in front of a mirror. I talked to him about how certain features of his face can be used in various ways to change his overall expression. I encouraged him to move his eyebrows, lift the corners of his lips, open his eyes wider, tilt his head different directions, etc, until he started to be able to truly and accurately feel what his face was actually doing and what that was conveying.

Then we tried a role-play exercise, where I pretended to be a woman at a bar, during the set-break of a gig where his band was playing. He walks up to the bar and starts to engage the woman in conversation. I helped him learn that talking all about himself was not the way to endear himself to new people. We explored the possibilities of asking open-ended questions, expressing interest in her and her life, practicing more open and interested facial expressions, and how not to take it too personally if he's rebuffed or a "boyfriend" walks up. Each interaction is a chance to practice and learn more about interpersonal skills.

At this point, we had about 20 minutes left in our session, and he asked if he could hold me. So far, the only touching that occurred between us was hugs at the beginning and ending of our sessions. I wanted to ease into this, as I sensed that this young man's desperation for touch needed to be treated carefully. I also needed to maintain boundaries and some control, so as to protect both him and myself. So, we sat on the floor facing each other, cross-legged so our knees were touching, and I taught him diaphragmatic (or deep belly) breathing. He had trouble with this, so then I had him lay on his back, and as I rested my hand on his abdomen, coached him through deepening his breath and relaxing into it. Once he seemed to have it down somewhat, I had him sit back up and face me cross-legged again. Then I taught him about eye-gazing, and I described how our breath exchange was like sex, and how our hands lightly resting on each others' thighs involved energy exchange, and even molecular exchange, and how these are both sexual too - in and out of one another, in a fluid exchange. As I talked softly and gazed into his eyes, his breathing more naturally deepened.

I then drew him into a yab-yum embrace, with my legs over his and his legs underneath me, our genitals in proximity. I brought his head down to the crook between my neck and shoulder and started caressing his back. His shudders and moans told me that he was enjoying this light, sensual touch. His arms tightened around me, and he burrowed his face in my neck, murmuring how good it felt. I whispered, "You poor thing, you're so starved. You don't get much touch of any kind, do you?" He shook his head and hugged me tighter. This went on for several moments. We then shifted to a lying-down position, with his head resting on my abdomen and our legs intertwined, still clothed. He asked if he could touch my breasts, and I lifted my shirt enough for him to caress and nuzzle them. After a moment, he asked if he could he could *see* me, if he could look, and he indicated my vulva. I said yes, and as I sat up, he laid himself facedown on the floor, with his face about a foot away from my crotch. I lifted my skirt and let him look. The expression on his face was one of awe. I reached down and separated the lips, moving the hair, and let him look more deeply into me. He looked almost as if he was about to cry, then whispered, "thank you!" He told me later that was the first time he'd ever gazed upon a yoni. He was awestruck, and incredibly grateful. Shortly after that, we rearranged ourselves, hugged again and the session was over. He told me that although he desperately wanted to rip off all our clothes and plunge into me, he was glad that I had paced things, so that he's getting to experience this a little bit at a time.

We'll meet again in a couple of weeks...we'll see where the Goddess leads us then.

Lovingly,
Inara

www.TempleRedLotus.com

A supplicant came to the door...

2008-08-11T10:08:00.000-04:00

A Supplicant Came to the Door...

Inara de Luna
January 2006

Last night, a supplicant came to my door (prearranged) for a session with the Temple Priestess. He was feeling very sad because of problems in his marriage and was also in a lot of physical pain from a chronic issue. I greeted him at the door dressed in an attractive, though not overly revealing, lingerie gown of deep dark red. My hair was unbound and long down my back. When he came in, I smiled and hugged him and let him know how very glad I was that he was there. I took from his arms the socks and robe I'd instructed him to bring, his coat and his cell phone. I told him to make himself comfortable on the sofa, while I went and retrieved the tub of warm water I had prepared. I had him soak his feet, while I draped a warmed and herbally-scented neck pillow across his neck and shoulders. He relaxed to the sound of meditation music playing quietly in the background, blending with the sound of the fountain flowing behind his head, and the scent of sandalwood incense.

While he was relaxing, I was preparing our appetizers. I gently brought his attention to the cheeses, crackers, hummus and tomatoes I had set out beside him. While he began to nibble, I knelt on the floor and removed one foot from the soaking tub, laid it across my lap and gently dried it off. He began to talk and tell me of his day, which led naturally into the troubles he's having with his wife. I was massaging a refreshing minty lotion into his feet while he talked, and I gave him the gift of my full attention. This continued while I switched to the other foot. This time was for him to slough off all the mundanities of his life, to gently and gradually come to a place within himself where he could fully accept all the nurturing he would receive from me. As we rose from the sofa to go to the table, where I had our dinner waiting, we agreed that for the rest of the night, we would not focus on the outside world.

While we ate lasagna and bread, we continued to talk and share stories from our childhoods, laughing as we remembered some of the silly things we said and did. After eating, I asked him to make sure he had his offering and to wait a few minutes in silence, while I went into the inner sanctum of the Temple, to make sure all was prepared for the next phase of the evening. The candles on the altar were lit, the incense was wafting through the room, all the lights were turned off, and the curtain over the entryway was drawn closed. I returned to him, asked if he was ready, and led him to the entrance. I disappeared behind the veil, and waited for him to request entry. When he did, I asked if he was prepared to worship the Goddess and be true to his deepest nature. He answered in the affirmative and I welcomed him into the inner sanctum.

He knelt at my feet, laying his forehead against my belly, and his hands wrapped gently around my legs. He thanked me, and then I had him rise and follow me to the altar. I seated him in front of it, and directed him to make his offering to Aphrodite and to sit with her for a few minutes. If he was moved to share or ask anything of Her, I assured him that it was okay to do so, either out loud or silently. He made his offering and his prayer and meditated for several minutes. Finally, I came up behind him, naked now and fully invoked with the power of the Goddess. I laid my hands on the top of his head and breathed heat into his crown chakra, then my hands raked down either side of his head, pulling the last bits of worry and baggage off of him. I whispered to him about how I was removing his schedules, his to-do lists, his worries, his duties. I was flinging all of this stuff off my hands as I dragged it off of him. I told him how, when he left here, he could choose to pick any of it back up that he wished, but for this evening, it was all going to sit in the corner quietly, not bothering him. This evening and experience were all about him, completely for him, and not about his baggage and accoutrements.

I then grabbed a brush and started brushing out his long, luxurious brown hair. I brushed and brushed, until his hair shown, and a small smile of bliss was on his face. I slipped his robe off his shoulders and bid him rise and follow me to the bed. We laid upon the furry bedspread, his head resting on my shoulder, while my arms reached around and enveloped him in a warm, safe, nurturing embrace. Our naked bodies melded together and we breathed as one for a time. Eventually, I emerged from our embrace and turned him onto his stomach. I took some massage oil and rubbed it lovingly all over my own body, before lowering myself to rub the front of my body all over the back of his. He could feel my soft breasts, with their hard nipples, the soft tickliness of my hair, the strength and soft skin of my thighs. I leaned back then and thoroughly massaged the stress and knots out of his neck, his back, his hips and legs.

When I was finished, I laid my body atop the entire length of his, and again we breathed together for a few moments, sharing this space with no schedules, no obligations and no expectations. He was here to love and be loved, and that was it. So there was nothing hurried or impatient within either of us. Finally, I rolled him over and he sat up and gently pushed me back into the pillows, face up. He knelt between my legs and pushed them apart, and began to worship me languously and thoroughly. It was blissful! After a couple of peaks, which I offered up to the Goddess, I thanked him and we switched positions. I then worshipped him, in similar fashion, showing him that he was as filled with the divine as I was. After awhile, he experienced a huge peak and released his offering with a shout. I crawled up his body and this time allowed him to cradle me, while we each relaxed and caught our breath.